"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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18 months


Life keeps throwing us curveballs, doesn’t it sweet boy? You’re a full 18 months now. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about this… on one hand I can’t believe you’re that old already and on the other I can’t believe you’re only 18 months with everything we’ve gone through.

Five weeks ago, you started your intensive ABA therapy program for autistic children. 40 hours a week of this applied behavior therapy for my tiny little boy; essentially a full time job. You have no idea how much I waivered on this decision. I did so much research; talked to autistic adults, talked to professionals, read medical journals, and read random google articles/blog posts. It was a split decision; Autistic adults and a good amount of the autistic community consider ABA abuse and that its only objective is to oppress the individual to blindly follow direction. While Professionals preach that this is the only scientifically proven therapy to help autistic individuals and that since it is play based it is no way abuse. I was absolutely between a rock and a hard place. All I want is to make sure you have all the tools you need to be the best you you can be. You couldn’t give me your opinion so I was left with this internal tug-a-war of yes or no to ABA.

When we got in with a treatment facility that specialized in kids diagnosed under 2 I was hopeful. I thought; they’d have to know how to properly deal with a toddler in addition to the therapy, right? Plus, it was run by an actual clinical psychologist which you don’t see often. They had a spot for you and with still a million reservations about it all, decided to try. Your dad made a good point that we’ve never gone through this before so we should air on the side of the professionals and if it’s not right then we stop. So that’s what we did.

November 11, 2019 you began your ABA journey. That first week I stayed for about an hour each morning with you to get a little idea of what you were doing but honestly you were so uncomfortable you stayed in my lap and mostly just stared at the various therapists. When I would leave you would scream and cry, grasping at my neck like they were taking you to hell itself. This was so very hard for me as you almost never cried at drop off at daycare. That first week at home was also hell. Your self injury increased significantly and you were doing very strange things. One afternoon you came home and sat in front of a wall, laughed hysterically for about 5 seconds and then slammed your head into the ground hysterically crying. You would run from room to room just yelling. Your car seat was torture and you would slap your head, thrash it side to side with force, bite your arms and kick your legs. You also became incredibly attached with your dad and I. Ever since we did sleep training with you, you’ve loved your bed and would even push me away as you’d rather be there then rocking with me. All of a sudden, the simple idea of us putting you in your crib would cause you to cling to us and absolutely lose your mind. I cried a lot that week.

The doctor and therapists couldn’t give me a reason why there was such a sudden drastic change at home and just said that it’s an adjustment period. The second week I figured out that you got almost no physical activity compared to when you were at daycare. Once we implemented a variety of heavy work for you the behaviors calmed down significantly but you still clung to me and screamed every morning for 4 weeks when I dropped you off at therapy. It bothered me that I really had no idea what you were doing there. I never got any daily activity sheets, crafts, any information at all really. I also didn’t like your lead therapist. She never seemed happy to see you in the morning. When working with small children, especially those that are uncomfortable, you would expect them to have be super bubbly and friendly as that’s what children respond to but she wasn’t.

I voiced concerns to your case manager who said she would look into it all but said that everything was as it should. In addition to all of that, while we did see some improvements, we saw some things which made us a little concerned. You weren’t with other children throughout the day and we saw that you sort of lost the spark of interest when other young toddlers were around. You would also have these times of ‘zoning out’ where you would just stare into space. You became a little more independent but not in the typical sense; instead of just wanting to do things by yourself you wanted to be by yourself. You were engaging less and less and I really started to panic. I eventually requested a meeting with the doctor a week ago and came fully prepared. I spent 40 minutes talking and after I was done, she replied with “I am not sure this is the right fit for him.” Hallelujah! Finally, something we agree on even if it was for different reasons. Regardless, we decided at that time that you would be leaving. I felt SO good about this decision.

We decided that you would do 2 weeks of therapy in the morning and daycare in the afternoon and then you’d be gone. At this point there was no harm in me observing several sessions and they agreed. There was so much that I wasn’t comfortable with as I sat in your therapy room and observed your “therapy” for 4 hours. After leaving that day, your dad and I made the decision that you would not be going back to finish out the remainder of the 2 week transition.

December 23, 2019 was your first full day back at daycare. It had been 6 weeks since you were dropped off in the morning hustle and bustle of daycare. You walked in by yourself, didn’t cry when I left, and I sat in the hall and watched for the next 10 minutes as you went from standing and staring at the other children to smiling and engaging with them. It was the first time in 6 weeks that I didn’t leave you with a giant pit in my stomach. I feel so good about this decision and even called your dad on the way home, happy tears streaming down my face. We are meeting with a new therapist this week who would work with you at daycare and at home to see if that may be a better fit. I am hesitant but trying to keep an open mind.

In other news; your vocabulary has exploded. You say ‘mommy’, ‘daddy’, and ‘puppy’ in the cutest little voice. You say at least 25 words without us asking you to repeat us and are very willing to try to say new words. You are still so obsessed with all dogs and anything soft. Your favorite toys are the vacuum (both yours and mine) and any sort of broom or mop. You are the most affectionate little boy who will give hugs and kisses whenever asked.

You are by far my greatest challenge and one of my biggest joys. I love you with my whole heart sweet boy. With how far you’ve come this last 6 months, I can’t wait to see what the next will bring.

– Mommy



It’s been a while…


While this is supposed to be your 15-month letter, you are 2 days shy of 16 months. Oops! Life has been insane though and I have needed some extra time to process everything that has transpired in the last 3 months.

Let me start by telling you just how much I love you. When you wrap your tiny arms around my neck and squeeze me tight, I feel like everything is right in the world. You give the absolute best hugs! The love you have for your puppies, your brother, and your dad and I is insurmountable. The mischievous look you get on your face before you do something you absolutely know you shouldn’t do makes me laugh every time. Your personality is complex but so incredibly amazing. You are a truly remarkable little boy.

When you were 11 months old we noticed a very big and drastic change in your behavior. You were just getting over a very bad case of Hand Foot and Mouth Disease and when you got frustrated, upset, or hurt you would fold your body in half and hit your head on the floor. At first, you didn’t hit your head hard but it progressed fairly quickly and by your 1st birthday your forehead was covered in bruises. You did it so bad at daycare one day that you accidentally slammed your head into the edge of a table because they weren’t serving snack fast enough. The bruise was across your entire forehead. We had hoped that since we were transitioning you off of formula and onto milk that you were having a strong reaction to lactose but turns out that wasn’t the case. Shortly after that, hitting your head once wasn’t enough and it progressed to hitting it repeatedly on any and all surfaces (including cement!). I brought you to 3 different pediatricians within our doctor’s office and they all had varying opinions of this being a behavior problem and nothing more. My mommy gut told me this wasn’t the case… I could see in your eyes that this was not something you could control.

While I worked hard to get second opinions, you started throwing yourself backwards with significant force, clawing at your face, and biting yourself. Your dad and I felt beyond helpless. You constantly wanted to be held but never wanted to snuggle with me (or anyone) and I seriously struggled with missing you even though we were together every day. I felt like I never had a chance to connect with you anymore. All you did was scream, cry, and hurt yourself. I spent so many days and nights crying not knowing what to do. All I wanted was to keep you safe and take away whatever demons were making you so upset all the time. I wanted my sweet, loving, easy going baby back for both our sake.

We have a friend that is a behavior specialist and I reached out to her for advice. After a few conversations she asked if she could come to the house to interact with you a little bit and see if she could easily pick up on anything. She came and saw a few of your quirks and ended up recommending OT and getting a psych eval. What an adventure that all was. I could probably write an entire book on that whole process but long story short; you were diagnosed with Severe Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder on August 20, 2019.

Most people are shocked when their child receives a diagnosis such as this but honestly all I felt was relief. Relief that I wasn’t crazy for fighting so damn hard to have someone actually see you. Relief that there was an “answer” to this. Relief in knowing that this is just a part of who you are and as your parents, we need to figure out how to best help you. We are still on that journey and I assume we will be there for a long time to come but there is finally a plan.

In addition to all of that, it was recommended that you have a nerve study done to see how the significant head banging was impacting your spine. It turns out that every nerve in your neck from C1-T2 were compressed to various degrees. We have been going to the chiropractor twice a week for about 5 weeks now and I can’t wait to do another nerve study to see if the nerves have improved. Your headbanging has decreased so much over the last few weeks and I have every hope that it’s a combination of you aren’t in so much pain and that you’re able to communicate a little better with us now.

You are learning new things every day which is so amazing to witness. You have about 7 words although the only ones you say consistently are “hi,” “bye,” and “Odin.” It’s been a challenge deciphering how you learn as you will only mimic something that you already know how to do/say. Most of the time when we show you how to do something it appears as if you aren’t paying attention; you don’t look at us or watch what we’re doing and you never try and copy the sounds we make but then one day out of the blue you do/say things perfectly. After talking to a few professionals this is a common autistic trait. At least we know now!

You absolutely love playing basketball with G and throwing the tennis ball for Odin and Olive. While you don’t play with toys like a neurotypical child does, I have recently been able to get you to sit down with a toy sorter and you’ve focused and enjoyed putting the shapes in the correct slot. You love playing with strings and cords and knocking down any sort of structure that has been constructed.

You also enjoy helping so much… it really appears that you have this old soul stuck in such a tiny body. You want to do so many things that your itty bitty body cannot accommodate yet. About 4 times a day you want to patrol the backyard and point out all of the dog poop so we can scoop it up. When there is none out there you get all huffy and pace the yard. If you find some while I am not with you, you squat down, point at it, and yell. Your dad and I call it your “poop scream” and you absolutely will not stop until we come and scoop it up. It’s hilarious and I am hoping that once you’re big enough to scoop it yourself I will be able to use that skill to my advantage!

You think helping me cook and stirring pots of soup is amazing and by the time the food is done my arm feels like it is broken from having to hold you the entire time. If we walk away you point to the stove and excitedly scream as if you’re telling me that we MUST stay by the pot. You also almost always try the foods I make even though you spit a good portion of it out. Your favorite foods right now are yogurt, applesauce, peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches, popcorn, watermelon and cheerios.

The next few months are going to be intense. We will be starting all sorts of therapy, continuing your chiropractic appointments, and will have to adjust to an entirely new schedule. Let’s not forget your brother and everything he’s got going on as well. Despite the level of crazy being increased, I am ready. I am so ready to learn every tool possible to make you feel safer and be able to communicate your needs better. I know that this will be a fluid process, making progress and having regressions, but I would move heaven and earth for you baby boy. Never forget that.

At the end of the day, of course, your future is as-of-yet unknown. But based on the little boy who I know is really in there, I’m starting to think it’s still going to be recognizable as the life of a happy, independent, fulfilled adult. Because, despite this diagnosis or maybe because of this diagnosis, you are destined to do wonderful things.

That is to say, my love, your autism is not preventing you from greatness, or success. You are silly, and loving, and clever; you are stubborn, and resilient, and determined. You are capable. You have bright things in your future. We got this, my love. And we’ll figure out how to move forward together.

I love you,


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one year


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I can’t believe you’re already 1. That one year ago you were nestled against my chest, skin on skin, breathing each other in for the first time. I honestly don’t know how this year went so fast yet when I look back at how much you’ve grown in every single way, it feels like a lifetime. No matter your age you will always be my baby boy.

I don’t even really know where to start… You started walking a week before you turned 11 months. Not many steps but a few here and there and you were so proud of yourself. Right at 11 months you finally felt comfortable enough to walk more than crawl and just within the last couple days you’ve really picked up the pace. You’re going to be running in no time and I am not quite sure how I am going to keep up!!

You are the most amazing eater. I can put just about anything in front of you and you’ll devour it. Just the other night you ate an entire pollock, potato and spinach burger while your dad, brother and I couldn’t even stomach it. You love veggies, fruit, meat, and carbs… boy do you love carbs (you get that from me).  You also love to drink water! You do love milk but we are still trying to figure out if whole milk is ok on your tummy or not… we are in the trial and error stage. We switched you from formula to milk gradually but your behavior started to change. When you went to all milk you had terrible diarrhea and the tantrums went to a whole other level. We switched you back to formula for the time being until we get in to see the doctor to get their opinion.

Speaking of the tantrums… you sure know how to throw them! There was about a 2-week period where anything and everything made you mad and you would slam your head into whatever was closest. You did it so hard at daycare one day, on the edge of a table, you had a huge black and blue mark across your forehead for over a week. You are typically either really happy or really mad, not much of an in between. The severity of the tantrums has decreased significantly now that you’re not on regular milk anymore and I am hoping that if we transition you to a lactose free milk, we can keep it that way.

You’ve really grown to love your brother. He can make you laugh just by looking at you! You both love playing and dancing in the car and you always try to get up a game with him at home. Right now, the tunnel Uncle Marc got you for your birthday is the biggest hit. You sit on one side, Grant sits on the other and you both race in the tunnel all while laughing hysterically. Grant definitely likes to make you happy and is always trying to figure out what you need when you’re upset. I am so happy you have each other.

Oh! You are finally snuggling with me again!!! For so many months you wanted nothing to do with me at bedtime; all you wanted was your paci and to get into bed. Well for the last 3 nights, after your books, you turn around and let me hold you, rock you, and sing to you. It’s everything to me. I do it as long as I can and then reluctantly put you into your bed. I wake up each morning waiting for those precious few minutes with you.

In terms of daycare, you’re doing well overall. They started transitioning you out of the baby room about 2 weeks before you turned 1 and that has been hard. You loved one specific teacher in the baby room a lot and had no trouble when I dropped you off with her. Now that you’re in a new room with people you’re not familiar with drop off is tough. You cry and it rips my heart out but you have so much fun once that stops. You get to paint, play outside, dance to music, read books, draw, and you even have splash days right now!! You even get to see Grant sometimes on the playground which I hear you absolutely love! I am hoping that in the next few weeks you’ll grow to love your new teachers just as much as before and drop off won’t be as heartbreaking for either of us.

I also think you’re going to be my sports guy. You already love the basketball and try to dribble it and put it in the tiny little hoop we have. You’re so incredibly strong (we call you hulk baby) and I don’t see that changing. You’ve been pushing around anything that you can get to move for the last two-three months. Each night I have to rearrange the entire living room and kitchen with all the furniture and large items you decided to move. It’s entertaining to watch at least!

I love you so much it’s hard to properly articulate. Your smile lights up my world. I can’t help but feel so much joy when I see you happy. I wish nothing but the absolute best for each journey you embark on during your life. I am sure the adventures we will have this next year will be vast and I can’t wait to experience every single one of them with you.

Happy birthday big boy!

I love you,


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9 months old


Three quarters of a year old. Tell me how that is possible? I honestly don’t know where the time has gone and yet it feels like you have been a part of this family since the beginning. The past three months have been an explosion of growth for you. You act like a full-blown toddler already and it’s so incredibly sweet and entertaining to see someone so small acting like such a bigshot.

You started crawling at 6.5 months old. It seemed like you only spent a day or two figuring it out and ever since then you’ve been a little speed demon! Shortly after you learned how to climb up the stairs and your dad and I were so happy that we made the decision to get new baby gates installed just a few weeks earlier. You started pulling up and furniture surfing just a few weeks later and walking behind your little push toy like a champ. A few days ago, you started letting go of whatever you are hanging onto and balancing for a few seconds. I know it’s just a matter of time before you start walking on your own.

Right after you turned 7 months old you started sleeping through the night. That has been glorious! You absolutely love your crib which is so nice even if you don’t snuggle with me as much as I want. Most nights after your bottle and books you will take your paci, burry your head into my chest for all of 3 seconds before physically pushing me away wanting your crib. On the rare occasion that you’ve had a long day where you’re beyond exhausted and you fall asleep on me, my whole world stops. I sit there and breathe you in. Rock you while I embrace every inch of you. Knowing that you are so at peace in my arms and wishing it could be like this forever. I typically sit there much longer than necessary just because I don’t want to let you go. It’s a feeling I will never forget.

You’re doing wonderful in daycare and the teachers absolutely love you there. They always comment on how you’re such a great baby and that you have an appetite like a grown man. You never want to miss out on any of the action so your naps there are disgraceful but I am holding out hope that when you move to older infant room, where they put everyone on a schedule, that will get better.

The love you have for your older brother is magical to watch. He can make you laugh easier than anyone else and you always want to be right next to him. Most of the time he placates you and lets you crawl and climb all over him but there are plenty of times where he plays with you and you LOVE it! You both laugh and smile and it makes my heart want to burst through my chest. Then there is the odd occasion where G gets angry and wants you to leave him alone. Most of the time this is when G is eating… G does not play when it comes to his food and that doesn’t change when you come crawling over trying to dig into his plate or cup of yogurt. You don’t quite understand yet, you just want to do everything he’s doing, but soon enough you’ll learn.

Everything else is going so well with one exception; your ears. You are surely following in your brothers’ footsteps with the ear infections. In the last 5 months you’ve had 4 ear infections; 1 drug resistant and 1 that lasted a month requiring antibiotic injections. You are having tubes placed in just a few days and I can not wait! You have been on antibiotics for the majority of your life and you probably don’t even know what it feels like to hear clearly or not have pain in your ears. I am so ready for you to have relief!

I can’t imagine what the next three months will hold but sit-tight baby boy, they’re sure to be an epic adventure. You have an incredible light inside of you that I know will do great things and I can’t wait to witness it all.

I love you so much.




6 months


I blinked and you’re six months old. I honestly don’t know how it’s possible. Days fly by while most nights still drag on but each day you are older, stronger, and more determined to grow up as fast as you possibly can. You’ve been rolling from back to front and front to back for 2 months now and you are so determined to crawl, I know it’s going to be any time now.

You’ve begun to be a bit clingy and I selfishly love it just a little. You get SO excited to see me when I walk into a room; you kick your little legs, wave your arms and plaster this huge smile on your face. Hits me right in the heart every single time.

The pediatrician told me we could start solids at your 4 month visit and so we started when you were about 4.5 months old. You absolutely love food (even your teachers at daycare tell me just how much you love it) and took to it so quickly. You now eat 3 meals a day in addition to 5 bottles… it’s no wonder you’re just a chunk. I love kissing your adorable leg rolls!!

Watching you play is so entertaining. You love all toys and are putting anything possible in your mouth. Teething has begun which has made you a bit grumpy but between your paci, constantly moving around with you, toys, and Tylenol we are powering through!

I think one of the things I love most about watching you get older and more engaging is just how much you love your brother. All G has to do is look at you and you smile. At night before you both get into the bath, we run around holding you, chasing G. This very well may be the favorite part of your day! You just crack up laughing as we try to catch G and G thinks it’s hilarious as well. Then in the bath you both play with toys and G sometimes blows zurberts on your feet or tickles your belly. You look at him like he has hung the moon and it’s absolutely so precious. I hope you two always continue to love each other as much as you do now.

Sleeping is still a bit of a challenge with you. The 4-month sleep regression hit hard and at this point if you only wake up once a night it’s a huge success. Typically, we are at 2-5 times per night that you’re awake and we are definitely feeling the affects but I am hopeful in the next month or two you’ll really be able to find your paci’s in bed by yourself and things will start getting better. You barely nap at school which means you’re exhausted when I pick you up and are still taking a short nap in the late evening which I am sure doesn’t help but your little body just can’t handle such little sleep!!

I do wish you were a tad bit cuddlier. At night, after we put your pajamas on and read our books all I want to do is cuddle, rock and sing to you but by this time you are very much ready to just be put down and go to sleep. I typically make you stay in my arms for at least one verse of “good night sweetheart” but then oblige and lay you down. You then kick your legs happily as I lay your favorite blanket over you to which you quickly bring it to your face, roll over on your side and cuddle with it until you peacefully fall asleep. I could watch you sleeping for eternity.

All in all, you are an amazing baby. You go with the flow more so than not and are just happy to be with mommy (as long as you have a full belly)! I love making you laugh and watching your brow furrow as you look at something or someone for the first time. You’re just incredible and I love you so much.

I can’t wait to see what the next few months brings and all the exciting new things you will be doing.

I love you,



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Time for an update

Life has been crazy… it’s been 2 days shy of 13 weeks since L was born. Last week was my first week back to work, meaning his first day at daycare. Even though he is my second baby… that shit is not any easier. I bawled the first day and every day since it feels like my heart is left with him as I walk out the door. He seems to be adjusting ok… he barely sleeps but he’s been eating fine and I’ve only walked in once where he was screaming his little head off. Granted, today is only his 5th day so, there are plenty more opportunities for that.

L is such a good baby. Most of the time he only cries when he needs something. He’ll have an off day every now and then and be fussy but overall, he’s so good. He typically only naps 30-50 minutes at a time but sometimes we get some good 2 hour naps, those are really nice! Experts say he should be able to go 3-4 hours between eating but he still eats every 2-2.5 hours during the day which ends up being a lot!!

At night he’s really improved. Sometimes we can make it all night without eating and sometimes he’ll take a 4 ounce bottle. It really depends on how many times he has woken up. I’ve had a handful of nights where he has slept through the night already, those are INCREDIBLE!!! Most of the time though he’s up twice a night, sometimes up to 5 or 6 and those are dreadful. We’re hoping to start sleep training in about a month or so and I am hoping it is as successful as it was with G.

L is smiling and laughing but he really makes you work for it. Most of the time he just looks at you with these crazy eyebrows like “what the F are you doing.” It’s hilarious. He started rolling from tummy to his back at 11 weeks and it’s so cute watching him go. He still doesn’t seem to know exactly what he’s doing but he does it! He’s such an incredibly strong baby and big too!!

G is doing great. He turned 4 at the end of August and started private pre-school. In a month he has already learned how to write his name! It’s still quite sloppy but most of the time you can totally make out what it is. He’s been learning the alphabet, their sounds, and even their signs which has been super cool. They are doing sight words which I don’t love since it essentially is just teaching them to memorize words and not learn how to sound them out but I guess that is how it’s done now-a-days.

Preschool is intense though… He has homework almost every night and then a show-and-tell project due each Friday. It was hard enough to do while on maternity leave but now that I am back to work it seems close to impossible. I want to be able to spend time with G and L after work/daycare but by the time I get them home, I have to do homework with G, make dinner, and then get them ready for bed. I feel like I get no quality time with L at all during the week 😦

Coming back to work has also been overwhelming. I had been training a partner for over 7 months before going out on leave. She covered for me while I was out and now that I am back we had a plan to essentially split the large work load. I was content with this arrangement but on Friday she called me to let me know that she put in her 2 week notice. I have no idea what I am going to do because I refuse to work 11 hours a day anymore and the work load is insane. My manager said that they will be working to get me some assistance but I am honestly not holding my breath.

E and I are good. We haven’t had much of any alone time since I don’t really trust anyone to watch L yet but have had a few nice in-home date nights. Uber Eats has been crucial to our survival when it comes to actual food and not hot dogs or sandwiches LOL

That’s pretty much the jist of it. I’ve been trying to keep up with everyone’s blogs but hopefully will get better now that life is becoming “back to normal.”


Where we’re at now

So it’s been 6 and a half weeks since L was born. Talk about crazy… It seems to have gone so fast yet it’s hard to imagine life prior to his arrival. Maybe that’s because I am so tired that it seems like he’s been with us forever LOL – all joking aside, the time has really gone quite fast.

I had really hoped my breastfeeding journey this time around would be better than the first however I still have the same problem: My body simply does not want to produce. Sometimes first thing in the morning I can get 2-2.5 ounces total but each subsequent session I only get about an ounce. And that is with being on the maximum dose of domperidone. Needless to say, we are supplementing with formula. I made it 9 days of breastfeeding alone but by day 9 he was still not gaining weight and was down almost a pound from his birth weight so I had no choice. It doesn’t bother me one bit that he’s on mostly formula, I am just disappointed that my body continues to betray me, even after his conception ((does that feeling of defeat ever go away after infertility?)).

He’s an overall great baby. From day 2 he has only woken up once or twice at night and at 4 weeks I transitioned him from the rock and play in our room to the crib in his room. He’s on a pretty good schedule too and gives me good happy awake times between naps. He has his issues with bedtime but once he is actually down for the night it’s pretty good. I am exhausted though. I typically get 3-4 hours of sleep before he wakes and then 2-3 more after he goes back to sleep and wakes up for the day. Never enough to get into good deep sleep. I am hoping E agrees to take a night for me soon. I would absolutely love a full night.

I have 5 weeks left of maternity leave and it feels like it’s going to go in the blink of an eye. I am no where near ready to go back to work and send him to daycare. The thought makes me shutter but I know it’s be here before I know it so I need to mentally prepare now.

I feel like there is so much more I could update on but I really should get to bed while I can. I will update more soon!


Newborn photo shoot – 12 days old



He’s here!

Written on 6/21/2018:

He’s here!!!! What a crazy 8 days it has been and I can’t believe I already have a 1 week old. It all started on Tuesday 6/12/18 when I went for my 40 week appointment (I was 39w6d). They did an ultrasound and made sure he was head down and estimated him to be about 8 pounds 6 ounces which was right on par with G who was 8 pounds 8 ounces. The doctor said everything looked good, I was measuring 41 weeks but baby sounded and looked great. She did a cervical check and I was a “tight 3” and baby was still high but she was able to do a sweep and sent me on my way.

That afternoon and evening I had on and off contractions but nothing too painful. More uncomfortable than anything else. We went to bed and I started having contractions a little more frequently but I was able to doze on and off from 9-10pm. At 10:22pm I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, stood up out of bed, and my water broke. Just like G, it was definitely not a trickle, and while I made it to the tile, I didn’t make it to the toilet. Oops! Thank goodness for towels.

Luckily my mom was already on her way over “just in case” and she was pulling into my neighborhood when my water broke. I jumped in the shower, called the hospital, and finished putting the last few things in my hospital bag. By the time we left my contractions were a minute and 40 seconds to 3 minutes apart and they hurt like a mother. We made it to the hospital, got a bed in triage by 11:40pm, was 3-4cm dilated, and baby was at -2 station.

Luckily it was a slow night and I got a room immediately which meant that I got my epidural immediately and that was in by 12:40. The epidural was definitely not as smooth as the first time and he had to stick me twice to get it in. After that he gave me an extra dose because he said I was tall and that’s how it works. Well it was too much. As soon as the anesthesiologist left I told my nurse I felt like I was going to be sick. Evan said I turned stark white and my pulse when down to 50. Luckily my nurse turned me quickly and I instantly felt better and my pulse increased.

Things were all good and at 1am they checked me again and I was 5-6cm but baby was still high. At 4:40am I was 7-8cm and baby was STILL incredibly high so they decided to give just a small dose of Pitocin to see if we could speed some things along. After that he started having some decreased activity and they got a little concerned. They stopped the Pitocin, flipped me, gave me oxygen, and started another bag of fluids which seemed to correct the problem. At 6:35am I was 9.5cm, 100% effacted and 0 station. My midwife thought it would just be another hour or so and baby would be here… well at 8:30am there was NO CHANGE. At this point there was a shift change and I had a new midwife that I hadn’t met before. After 2 hours and no change there was obviously some cause for concern.

She determined that baby was laying on his side which is why I hadn’t progressed and why he was still so high. We decided that starting Pitocin again to try and get some strong contractions in order for him to turn was the best bet. If that didn’t work we would need to discuss the possibility of a c-section. At this point my epidural was doing very little and even the pain button was doing nothing. Luckily, at 9:20am I had an uncontrollable urge to push. Baby was only at +1 station but my nurse told me if I had to push that I could. Holy hell. I really got away lucky with G where I didn’t have to try at all… this time, not so much. I guess I did pretty good though because by 9:45am the midwife was called since baby was ready to be born.

It got intense after that. The midwife assisted in getting baby’s head out with massage and manual manipulation but it wasn’t an “exciting” moment. There was no “oh he’s got so much hair!” The midwife immediately told me that I have to push and I have to push hard. My eyes stayed closed but Evan said that she was literally taking his neck and prying him out. His shoulders were stuck and it was a scary few moments, however at 9:55am on June 13th baby L came into the world. They had called in the respiratory and NICU team as a precaution which I didn’t even know until I opened my eyes and saw about 15 people in my room. I was supposed to get immediate skin to skin and I did, long enough for Evan to cut the cord, and then they moved him to the warmer because they needed to assess him closely. We got really lucky and he seemed completely fine. They did some extra suctioning and after a few minutes, the two additional teams left and I got to hold my son. He was 8 pounds 12 ounces, 22 inches long, of pure perfection.

He did have some bruising on his right arm and back from the birth but overall there were no issues and I was able to leave the very next day. Being home has been great and while we are struggling with breastfeeding and supply issues, we’re working on it. I can’t believe this part of the journey is over… a whole new adventure has begun!



Dear baby boy,

39 weeks 3 days – 4 days to go

Dear L,

As I approach your estimated arrival date I am filled with all sorts of emotions. Knowing I only have a few days left for us to be connected as one fills my mind the most. I am not ready to share you with people. I wish it could be just our family of four for a while before having to hand you off to so many different people. Oh your kicks, I will miss those so much! Even though you are seriously strong and it’s sometimes uncomfortable I absolutely LOVE you moving around in there. Having your dad lay next to me at night and marvel at your movements is pretty special too. Knowing you will be the last baby that we get to have makes me cherish every second of your pregnancy. You truly are our miracle.

I have doubts of being a mom of 2. I worry about the age difference between you and your brother… to be honest, I worry about almost everything. Through it all though, I am so ready for you to be in my arms.

I think about what you’re going to look like (probably just like your brother, who is the spitting image of your father), what kind of baby you’re going to be like, and how I know my love for you is only going to grow every day. The days of it just being me and you are numbered, kid. Soon I will get to learn all these things first hand.

There are just a few things I want you to know… 1) Always be yourself. Don’t think just because your brother or your friends are doing something, you have to do it to. Do what makes YOU happy. Always. 2) Remember that your dad and I will ALWAYS be here for you. I don’t care what you do, we will always stick by your side. 3) Stay strong. The world we live in today can be a harsh place. Know that you have the strength in you to weather any storm that comes your way. 4) Last but not least, know just how much I love you. There aren’t really words to describe the love I have for you but nothing in this world can change it.

I hope to be holding you soon my sweet boy. I love you so much.


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Home Stretch

35 weeks 5 days – 30 days to go

I’m in the last 30 days of this pregnancy. Wow. It seemed to have flown by and dragged on forever all at the same time. I am so ready to hold this baby boy in my arms but I am trying to savor the last moments of my last pregnancy. A lot has happened since my last appointment.

Baby L’s Heart: I’ve been monitored weekly for the last month since they discovered he had a premature beat. From my first specialist appointment where they were hearing the skip almost every beat to this past Friday where it wasn’t detected during the time they listened. Each appointment the skip was less and less and it appears to have corrected itself like they hoped. I have been officially discharged from the specialist. They will monitor baby during labor and possibly do an EKG after he’s born but as of right now we are in the all clear.

Nursery: The nursery is 98% done! The only thing I have left to do is put his letter names above his crib and then have the room cleaned. I do have the luxury of having a cleaning service but they don’t clean the rooms we aren’t using so the room hasn’t officially been cleaned yet. That should be getting done this week and the letters hopefully soon after. I am just waiting on my friend to make some dinosaur footprints for them (the “theme” is dinosaurs).

Bags: I have started packing the hospital bag and it’s amazing how different I am this time around from the first time. I had a huge rolling bag duffel bag packed for my first pregnancy. This pregnancy? I have a regular duffel bag and it’s 1/4 of the way packed which not much else I want to bring. There are the last minute essentials and toiletries but there will definitely be plenty of extra room. Maybe I’ll be able to sneak some extra freebies from the hospital 😉

What’s left: The carseat needs to go in the car in the next week or so. I also need to rearrange the kitchen cabinets in order to make room for the bottles, paci’s, teething toys, breast pump accessories, etc. and then to go through and sterilize all those things. Other than that I just need to rearrange the living room a little to put the baby’s swing up and figure out where I am going to put the downstairs pack and play. Oh and the downstairs diaper changing station needs to be organized.

Work: I have been working on getting the people covering for me up to speed for when I am out. It’s not an easy task and I am nervous about what is going to happen while I’m gone but I’m trying to let it go. It’s just a lot. I filed for my FMLA last week and still unclear on what exactly I need to do in order to get that approved so I need to figure that out.

Me: I am exhausted. The last 6ish weeks with my first pregnancy were like this too but damn. Add taking care of a toddler and I swear there are moments where I wonder if I could actually sleep while doing the dishes. I work in front of a computer and I am not going to lie… I have found myself nodding off on the rare slow moments.

Last week was the first time I noticed some ankle and foot swelling. I really feel like it’s my body’s warning sign to slow down. I’ve just been go go go since day 1. I really need to stop and take more breaks and not do as much as I have been doing. My BP is still good though (Friday it was 112/74) and I am now 1 pound above my pre-pregnancy weight. My appetite has definitely decreased though. Not sure if it’s because baby is still so high or what but I just haven’t been as overly hungry as I have been in the past. I have broken out the big exercise ball to start bouncing on. It hurts my hips so I don’t stay on it very long at this point but it does relieve some of the back pain from sitting in my desk chair all day.

Even though I have been doing weekly appointments for baby’s heart, I am officially at the point of weekly appointments just because I am close to the end! This week is the dreaded Group B swab test and they said that I may get a cervical check if I have been contracting. I’ve had a few very noticeable braxton hicks contractions but other than that they’ve been pretty tame and infrequent. I may just decline the cervical check until my 37 week appointment. I am so interested to see when this little one decides to arrive and if his delivery is anything like his big brothers. I do plan on asking for a cervical sweep at my 39 week appointment though…

I hope the next 30 days are productive and uneventful!