"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after infertility


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One Week

One week from right now I will know about where my infertility journey is heading. One week from this second I will probably be google searching the 100 million new questions I will have after meeting my new RE to discuss moving onto IVF.

I’ve done all the prelim work… filled out about 20 documents on E and I, had my previous RE send over the past 5 years worth of medical documentation, updated my personal IF notebook with all relevant information, and have a running list of questions to ask this new doctor.

I am physically going through the motions but I am just not there yet emotionally. I feel defeated, like infertility as a whole has caused me to just deflate. I’ve been questioning whether I want to go through with it or not. We have one beautiful child who is a serious handful, E works an insane amount of hours, and I will be doing so much of it alone. We both so desperately want another baby but the thought of going through IVF with only a 40% change of success is daunting. How much money are we going to throw at a 40% chance? How much time? How much physical, emotional, and mental energy?

The questions I have are endless… how am I going to do all of this and keep my job which is fairly demanding? We are in a bigger city now and the offices are further from our house… how are we going to logistically handle getting all the tests and procedures done while making sure G is taken care of? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what is going to happen or how it’s going to happen. All I do know is that I need to try and just take things one at a time.

The first step is just going to this appointment. I unfortunately am on CD1 today so depending on the testing she wants to do I may be delayed an entire extra month but nothing I can do about that. The appointment should last about an hour and a half and is pretty basic… vitals, meeting with the dr to discuss medical history and family medical history, full physical exam, and then ordering what sort of tests she wants done. After that… who knows?

All I can hope for is that I can get back into this. I am not so sure I am prepared to become the obsessed person I was while going through treatments last time but I think I would mentally feel better about that than this feeling of defeat before the process has already begun.

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Getting impatient

We still have over a month until our consult with the new RE. It feels like this is taking forever and I am having a really hard time with it. One of my best friends is pregnant and she is essentially icing me out of any and all updates. Whether she is doing this to “protect” me or not I feel offended. I am so jealous that she’s pregnant but would rather be submerged in her information than feel like I am pulling teeth asking how she and baby are doing.

Pregnancy is all around me and I can’t seem to escape it. I spent last night reading all of the journal entries when I was pregnant with G and just cried longing to be going through it again. I am so happy I wrote everything down because what if we don’t get the opportunity to go through it again? But at the same time… did I savor everything enough? I feel like I am losing the memory of how it felt to be kicked from the inside, which was the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I so want to be able to feel that again.

Deep down in my bones I know we are supposed to have two children. How much are we going to have to go through in order for that to happen though? I want all the answers and I want them now (do I sound like my toddler??) but February 27th seems like an eternity and that’s just going to touch the tip of the question iceberg.


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So much change

G,

Today marked two big milestones; you slept in a toddler bed last night and you happily went to school this morning.

A lot has happened in your life over the past three weeks and I can’t imagine how your little brain has processed all of it. You watched (and helped) us pack up the only home you’ve ever known and then unpack at a strange new place. You had a week to adjust to the house since you didn’t start your new school right away and I think that helped a little. You were able to get use to your surroundings and became instantly comfortable with the Saunier crew.

Then, on January 2nd you started your new school. This was something that caused me great anxiety simply because you loved Melissa and Jordan so much at your old school. The first day was a little crazier than expected as Primrose had originally told me you were going to be in one room but then thought you were supposed to be in another room. The kids there were coming back from break and it was SO loud. It was chaotic and you sat on my hip taking it all in but I don’t think you knew that I was about to leave you there. After we got everything squared away the teacher took you from me and you lost it. You did that heartbreaking cry where you take a deep breath and silently cry as you work up a massive scream. I could do nothing but bolt and pray that you would soon realize the other kids were there to play. You ended up not eating or napping that first day at school but you didn’t spend the whole day crying so I took it as a success.

Day two – four were not much better, especially because you knew what was happening at that point. On day two we had such a sad conversation in the car on the way to school:

G: Mommy, where we goin?
Me: Remember? We are going to your new school!
G: Noooo!!!!
Me: You get to play with all your new friends and get to play on the awesome playgrounds!!
G: NO!! Turn ’round!!! Turn ’round!!!
Me: Buddy I promise you’re going to have so much fun and I will be there to get you after your afternoon snack. It’s going to be great!
G: Turn ’round, turn ’round, peeeeeeease turn ’round!!

Each day got a little better but the crying and screaming was hard, for both of us. After the weekend I was scared that we would have lost all progress and it was going to be terrible but when I asked you if you were ready for school you said yes! Huge improvement! You whined a little when we pulled in but didn’t cry till I opened your classroom door. On Tuesday you didn’t cry until I went to walk out the door and today? We walked into your classroom, your wonderful teacher Mrs. Mariana gave you a hug and asked you if you wanted to go play. You said yes and off you went. I couldn’t have been prouder. I am so happy that you are coming around to this wonderful new school where I know you’re going to really flourish!

As for your sleeping arrangements… I was wholeheartedly going to keep you in your crib forever. You would always be my baby as long as you were in your crib, right? Well yesterday morning I walked into your room and turned on your lamp so I could pick out your clothes for the day. As I was turning around you were leaning way too far over the edge of your crib and in a split second you fell out. Talk about terrifying. Luckily you were fine and just have carpet burns on your nose and forehead… however that was the queue to make the change to a toddler bed.

Your dad put together your new bed as soon as he got home from work and I wasn’t exactly sure how you were going to do. Your new bedroom is pitch black so I was hoping you wouldn’t necessarily be tempted to climb out. You went to bed perfectly and you woke up at your typical 5:30am. This was the test to see if you would stay the full hour and a half in your bed even though you COULD get out. You didn’t, you laid there like a perfect angel until I walked in at 7am. I am not naive enough to think that this will always be the case but I am so happy with the first night.

You are becoming such a big boy!

I love you so much,

Mommy


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Quick update

T-minus 2 days until we leave… 1 day until the trucks are packed. Crazy. G is home from daycare this week and my mother is here trying to keep him entertained while I work and somehow figure out how to pack up our entire lives.

G is doing well, I can’t even remember if I spoke about his surgery that he needed on his eyes. That went well and he’s recovering, unfortunately the issue doesn’t appear to be resolved but at least he has some serious relief to what he was going through. We will be finding a new pediatric ophthalmologist as soon as we get settled in our new state.

One of the dogs in particular has been having a hard time with all the boxes and has taken to destroying things which has been fun. I am not looking forward to how long it’s going to adjust to a new house.

As far as the fertility front is concerned… it’s at a bit of a stand still. My last cycle where our 4th IUI failed was hard and I had such a weird period. Normally it’s 4-7 days with at least 2 very heavy days. This one was 1.5 days of just light bleeding. I have fooled myself into thinking that I am still pregnant even though I have no symptoms and I had a negative right before the light bleed. I refuse to test though because I know I am just being crazy. We have an appointment scheduled for the end of February with the new RE in our new state to discuss what exactly I have to do in order to get the IVF process rolling. Until then I get to sit and watch everyone announce on facebook that they are expecting or all the adorable little newborn pictures being posted. I try really hard to not focus on it and just relish in the fact that I have an amazing son who I adore but sometimes it’s hard.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday season ❤


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There aren’t even tears

*A quick update on my son after his surgery – the procedure itself went great and they got everything they needed. Coming out of anesthesia was by far the worst part. He was an inconsolable mess and it broke my heart. He’s already healing nicely and should be good as new in no time.*

Today is 13DPIUI and was test day. I cheated and tested the afternoon of day 11 and fooled myself into still being hopeful because I didn’t use FMU but none the less, today was negative as well. I didn’t cry but I do feel an overwhelming sense of shock and disappointment. How have this many cycles failed? We got pregnant on our third IUI last time, has our biology changed that much in three years? Maybe we aren’t meant to have two children…

I dread having to see a new doctor and go through the IVF process. Spending all that money and time, especially so close to after we move. I just don’t know if I want to do it. I don’t know if I can take any more heartache. I just feel a sense of dread every time we go into a new cycle and maybe that’s affecting the outcome, who knows. All I know now is that I’m hurt and I don’t want to have to tell E that it was negative when he wakes up. He was SO hopeful and this whole TWW kept saying “this one is it, I just know it.”He’s going to be crushed.


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There aren’t even tears

*A quick update on my son after his surgery – the procedure itself went great and they got everything they needed. Coming out of anesthesia was by far the worst part. He was an inconsolable mess and it broke my heart. He’s already healing nicely and should be good as new in no time.*

Today is 13DPIUI and was test day. I cheated and tested the afternoon of day 11 and fooled myself into still being hopeful because I didn’t use FMU but none the less, today was negative as well. I didn’t cry but I do feel an overwhelming sense of shock and disappointment. How have this many cycles failed? We got pregnant on our third IUI last time, has our biology changed that much in three years? Maybe we aren’t meant to have two children…

I dread having to see a new doctor and go through the IVF process. Spending all that money and time, especially so close to after we move. I just don’t know if I want to do it. I don’t know if I can take any more heartache. I just feel a sense of dread every time we go into a new cycle and maybe that’s affecting the outcome, who knows. All I know now is that I’m hurt and I don’t want to have to tell E that it was negative when he wakes up. He was SO hopeful and this whole TWW kept saying “this one is it, I just know it.”He’s going to be crushed.


Leave a comment

There aren’t even tears

*A quick update on my son after his surgery – the procedure itself went great and they got everything they needed. Coming out of anesthesia was by far the worst part. He was an inconsolable mess and it broke my heart. He’s already healing nicely and should be good as new in no time.*

Today is 13DPIUI and was test day. I cheated and tested the afternoon of day 11 and fooled myself into still being hopeful because I didn’t use FMU but none the less, today was negative as well. I didn’t cry but I do feel an overwhelming sense of shock and disappointment. How have this many cycles failed? We got pregnant on our third IUI last time, has our biology changed that much in three years? Maybe we aren’t meant to have two children…

I dread having to see a new doctor and go through the IVF process. Spending all that money and time, especially so close to after we move. I just don’t know if I want to do it. I don’t know if I can take any more heartache. I just feel a sense of dread every time we go into a new cycle and maybe that’s affecting the outcome, who knows. All I know now is that I’m hurt and I don’t want to have to tell E that it was negative when he wakes up. He was SO hopeful and this whole TWW kept saying “this one is it, I just know it.”He’s going to be crushed.