"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Infertility and Motherhood


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Personal and IVF updates

Just some random updates that don’t all need a separate post…

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I decided to take a break from Facebook. It’s only been about 36 hours but I already feel a little better. On Sunday night I was assaulted with a pregnancy announcement that hit me harder than it should have. 14 months ago when we had our first IUI for baby #2 I sat having brunch with a friend and discussing all the possibilities and options. I remember being so hopeful and excited to finally be starting treatment again for a second baby.

She sat there, listened, and was excited for me. Her son was just about to turn 1 and she said that she couldn’t imagine having another baby right then but that they wanted to start trying in the spring/summer of 2017. We both ended up moving and have just stayed in touch via Facebook. On Sunday night she posted a happy 2nd birthday message to her son and stated that she was promoting him to big brother in March. She’s about 18 weeks. After reading that I just knew I needed a break. I am walking on thin ice right now as it is and stepping away from Facebook can only help get my mind back on track.

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Emotionally I am still in a weird place. Depressed is a pretty good word for it but I am quick to anger, quick to cry, and mostly just want to be by myself. E and I came to an agreement on something to get that represents the girl we just lost but I feel more like he “gave in” rather than agreed. We have very different ideas on how to process and move forward… He wants to suppress the feelings and move past as if nothing happened while I simply can’t do that. I am terrified that she will be forgotten and I think about her and the pregnancy practically every second of every day still. I should be happily 11 weeks pregnant and graduating from the RE at the end of this week and instead I am staring at myself in the mirror wondering how this has all gone so horribly wrong. Wondering why my body failed me. Trying to process the grief while feeling like I am drowning. I keep waiting to come out of the fog but it’s been almost 4 weeks and I don’t see an end in sight. Maybe the act of moving forward to get pregnant again will pull me out.

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Our IVF consent form signing and injection class were today and it went smoothly. I found out what my protocol would be (Gonal F and Ganirelix) and how to inject everything which was all very easy. I did discover that both of these meds are actually covered under my insurance with prior authorization which is an absolutely huge deal. Depending on what size Gonal F pen they dispense I am looking at around $500 for stim medication. Unbelievable.

Timelines are still a little up in the air. The current plan is the following:

  1. Schedule anesthesia consult and push the business office to get my prior auth paperwork in.
  2. Wait for AF to arrive… when it does, pray that the prior auth has already gone through.
  3. Stim/Egg retrieval/fertilization/embryo freezing
  4. Hysteroscopy
  5. Transfer

We hope to get all of this done before the end of the year because we have already met our insurance deductible and am so close to hitting my max out of pocket. However, my clinics lab closes for a few weeks over Christmas so that could throw a bit of a wrench in our plans. If I am past a certain point in the month, even if I am ready, the lab would close and my transfer would be postponed. There is a chance that if nothing is found in my hysteroscopy we could be done, start to finish, in 7 to 8 weeks. If there is something found I would be on uterine rest for a month and we could have to postpone the transfer until the first of the year. I hate that this is going to drag on for a few more months but this is the best plan we’ve got.

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Results and next steps

It’s amazing what you can get done when you subtly threaten to run something up the food chain. A few days ago I spoke about how angry I was about not receiving my genetic testing results in a timely fashion due to my doctor being on vacation and them not having a covering doctor in place to simply read results. I was determined to write a strongly worded email to whoever ran this clinic but I couldn’t find a list of names/emails on their website. I decided to let myself cool down and since I was going into the clinic yesterday (Thursday) for my next HCG blood draw I would ask.

I walked into the clinic right as they opened and all 3 receptionists were there (2 of which were the ones who called me on Tuesday). I checked in and calmly asked for the name, number, and email for whoever ran the clinic. The one receptionist who I did not talk to on Tuesday was very cheery and gave me what I wanted. That was it, I didn’t say anything else but the two other receptionists kept looking over at me while I was waiting to be called back. I was taken back, blood drawn, and left without issue and was home by 8:45 am.

At 10am I get a call from the clinic. It was my nurse who said she got ahold of Dr. B and wanted to know if I was available to talk with her now. Absolutely! We hung up and 2 minutes later Dr. B calls… It’s sad that it took me being so upset and asking for information for this to happen. This was definitely not a coincidence. Regardless…

I had a perfectly normal girl.

There was no genetic reason as to why I miscarried. I was honestly hoping for something genetically wrong, now I just feel like I did something. We talked about the possibilities of there being something weird with my uterus or that I have certain antibodies that could have caused a clot in the placenta. So essentially Dr. B wants to do an outpatient procedure to review my uterus for a septum or any polyps that could have caused me to lose the baby. However,  we have so many options on our next course of action:

1) Wait 3 months to see if I have the particular antibody that could have caused a blood clot in the placenta and do the above mentioned procedure. Whether I wait and have the test and do show a positive for this antibody or skip the test she would still put me on a medication as if I did have it. **we don’t want to wait and since she would put me on the medication regardless, this isn’t going to happen** 

2) Do the procedure, if nothing is wrong do 1 more IUI and then move to IVF. If something needs to be fixed, I’d have to wait a month and then we could do 1 more IUI and then move to IVF. **this is an option however this would put us into the new year and we have already met our deductible**

3) Move right to IVF. I can start stimming as soon as I get my period back and we could do the retrieval/fertilization, then freeze them. Then do the procedure and see if anything needs to be fixed. If it does we can do it and wait the month. If it doesn’t then we can prep for transfer and we should be able to fit it all in this year.

Considering we have met our deductible, only have about $1,700 left on our coinsurance, and we have two full IVF’s covered on our insurance… option 3 is what we are going with. Even if it costs us $5k to do the IVF it’s way better than waiting until next year where it would be a minimum of $11k based on deductibles and out of pocket stuff.

We have started the prior approval process with our insurance, the consent forms have been emailed to me, and we have our injection class scheduled for Tuesday. Today marks 3 weeks from the D&C and I am hoping to get my period back in the next week or 2. However considering my HCG levels are still not at zero (yesterday they were 9.7) that may not happen.

I have barely begun to process the fact that our little girl had nothing wrong with her and to be honest it may take me a while. It doesn’t seem possible that we don’t have an explanation for what happened and my mind doesn’t want to accept that as reality. I am sure one day soon it will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will have to fully deal with it but right now that is just not happening.


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So angry

You know that feeling you get when you are so angry your chest hurts and you just want to punch something. You just feel sick? That’s what I am feeling right now.

Friday was 2 weeks since my D&C and I was told the genetic testing and pathology would take 1-2 weeks to come in. I didn’t hear anything Friday so I emailed them yesterday. Turns out they were closed due to weather and were going to have a late start today. Of course.

Well I just got the call… from their receptionist. She proceeded to inform me that my results came in LAST WEEK and my doctor was SUPPOSED TO CALL ME before leaving on vacation but she RAN OUT OF TIME. Are you fucking kidding me? She’s on vacation all this week so she set me up a phone consult for Monday (9/18) at 4pm.

I honestly feel bad for the girl that called me. I lost it on her. Full on crying and cussing. I asked if there was another doctor that could read me the results… “unfortunately, no.” I told her that losing a baby is hard enough and sitting waiting on these results has been torture, when I was told it would take 1-2 weeks. If I hadn’t reached out no one would have told me there was going to be an extra delay. I told her that this was absolutely unacceptable and there should be a covering doctor to oversee this type of thing while she’s gone… to bring all of this to their next staff meeting. She just kept apologizing, I know she had nothing to do with this but fuck! Who else am I going to go off on?

I’m just so angry.

Edit: They just called me back and wanted to move it to THURSDAY! Apparently the woman who called me earlier didn’t realize Dr. B has a department meeting Monday at 4pm. I told her no. That I would not accept a Thursday appointment and absolutely freaked out on her. After about 2 minutes of me going off she said she could put me down at 5pm on Tuesday. I can’t even process this.


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3 years old

August 30, 2017

G,

Wow. You are three years old. How is that even possible? It feels like just yesterday you were this tiny 8 pound 8 ounce baby who fit the length of one arm and now you’re 38 pounds and have an opinion about everything. You’ve adjusted so well after our move and into your new school… so much has happened.

We tried potty training on March 20th because you woke up that morning and told me you didn’t want a diaper. You did amazing the first day but after that, not so much. You so adorably demanded your diaper back and that was ok, I wasn’t in any rush to get you out of diapers. However, on July 4th we decided we would try again and the rest is history. You’ve done so amazingly well. I can count on one hand the amount of wet accidents you’ve had. You did have a little trouble with poop accidents for a little while but we’ve made great strides! You haven’t been in diapers in two months… your dad and I are so proud!

In April you went on your first boat ride. I was a little skeptical since you have been known to show some apprehension to new things but you seriously surprised me. You loved every second of it and didn’t even mind wearing your lifejacket! You couldn’t stop talking about it for weeks on end… always asking to go back on the boat. We’ve gone a few times since then and you love it each and every time.

In May your Uncle Adam got married and we flew down to Miami for the wedding. What a weekend that was. We got to spend time at the beach and at the pool and you met all sorts of family for the first time. Your love for your new Aunt Bekka began the night of the wedding and has done nothing but grow since then. You would probably spend every day with her if given the opportunity. You had a blast the night of the wedding and wanted to dance the entire night… and by dance I mean sit on your daddy’s shoulders while he danced. It was wonderful and you stayed up until midnight! We were all so impressed.

The following weekend, we decided it was time for you to get a big boy bed. It was getting harder and harder to carry you from your rocking chair to your bed at night and we thought you were ready. Your dad spent one Friday putting together your new bedframe and picking up your new mattress. Your face when you walked into your room and saw your bed was priceless. I asked you what it was and you exclaimed, “MY BED!” It was so precious. From that night on you’ve slept in your full size bed with zero issues. You love getting in bed each night and you haven’t gotten out of bed in the middle of the night once! The next thing we need to do is get rid of your paci… that’s going to be a hard one!

In June you started swim class. I thought for sure you’d love it from the second you walked in but I was quite wrong. The first class was such a terrible disaster… you screamed the entire time. I was at a loss as to what I should do. Should I sit by the glass for you to see me, should I hide somewhere, do I go and sit in the car? It was terrible but I was determined that you would like it if we kept going. The second class was a little better and by the third you were walking in by yourself. You love it now and are doing so well.

We also went on a big beach trip this year at the end of June. We spent an entire week with Grammy, Zayda, GG, and Poppy and had a lot of fun. We took a boat trip where we saw tons of dolphins and a few manatees, which was the absolute highlight of our trip. Every time you saw one you would shout “dolphin!” and point. The tour guide joked that he wasn’t even needed because you were doing such a good job finding them. It was a wonderful trip.

In terms of school… you’ve moved from the younger two class to the older two class and just 3 weeks ago you moved into 3 Pre-K. There is so much more independence now… you are responsible for going potty by yourself, marking yourself present each morning, and keeping track of all your belongings. You truly love this new class of yours and are always smiling when I pick you up each afternoon and you almost never have objections about going to school in the morning. Overall it’s been wonderful.

You definitely still have your difficult days. You are quite sensitive and very opinionated but we are working on keeping everything in check. The tantrums you throw can be quite epic but I think they are getting less and less as you’re learning that they never work to get what you want. We have had such an amazing year and I can’t wait to see what the next year brings us. Some words of advice; stay strong, stay opinionated and stay affectionate. You have so much potential wrapped up in that tiny little body and we can’t wait to see it explode.

I love you more than you will ever begin to imagine.

-Mommy


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2 weeks

It’s been two weeks since my baby was taken from me. I know that’s not exactly how it happened but I can’t help but feel that way. I wasn’t ready to lose him/her. I wasn’t prepared to give him/her back. I still wish with every ounce of my being that I could somehow go back and change the outcome. That we could be celebrating the fact that I would be 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow. But, that’s not real life. This nightmare is not going to suddenly end with me darting up in bed in a cold sweat… this is it. I’m really living it.

I think the bleeding is finally on its way out. Yesterday I had several hours of no spotting and while I had a little this morning, nothing since. The cramps have ceased and soon I will have no more physical signs at all. I had my HCG levels checked yesterday and they are already down to 49.5 so maybe by next week they will be back to 0 and after that it’s as if my pregnancy never existed. As if my baby was never truly here.

Each day has gotten better in the sense that the breakdowns are fewer. I am not crying as much and I don’t have the sheer debilitating sadness every second of every day. I am finding I can smile at things G is doing again. I can be a part of conversations our friends are having without totally zoning out. It’s getting better. However at least once a day if not more I get sucker punched in the gut with something that takes my breath away. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Haven’t we been through enough? I know it’s not nearly enough as some other people have been through during their IF journey but damn.

I still haven’t received the genetic testing or pathology results back which is frustrating since I was told 1-2 weeks. Why does everything take longer for me? Just my luck I guess…


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*Post talks about miscarriage and D&C, please skip if this will be triggering*

I firstly want to say thank you for the love and support on my previous post. I haven’t had the mental energy to respond to everyone but I have read all the comments ❤

I tried coming up with a title for this but nothing seems right or seems to fit. The past 4 days feel like weeks… how did I have surgery to remove my little baby only 4 days ago? It feels like a lifetime and yet only yesterday. I have spent more time crying than I have my whole adult life. I honestly don’t know how I have any tears left.

Friday morning came along as it should. I slept so poorly and cried most of Thursday night. I just wasn’t ready to give my baby back… even if he/she was no longer truly with us. I found myself hoping that maybe that night I would start to miscarry naturally so maybe my mind could realize that the baby was gone. Having zero symptoms of a miscarriage was really difficult for me because it didn’t feel real. How could the baby no longer be here if my body isn’t telling me anything is wrong? Regardless, I got up Friday morning and stuck with my typical routine with G. Got him up, fed, ready for school and dropped off. When I got home I took a long hot shower and then crawled back into bed with E.

We stayed in bed until the last possible second, dozing and crying on and off, until we had to get ready to go to the hospital. Checking in was uneventful. I got brought back in a pre-op room fairly quickly and they didn’t have too much trouble starting my IV. I had a slew of different people come in and confirm what I was having done… the term “missed abortion” will be seared into my memory for the rest of my life. I did good and only teared up once while waiting. E tried to make the mood a little lighter and it worked a little. He was incredibly strong sitting next to me. My doctor came in and went over everything and confirmed that we will send everything to pathology and for genetic testing which will take 1-2 weeks to get back. I’m happy we decided to do the testing, I want to know what happened.

They were running about an hour late so I didn’t actually get taken back until almost 1pm. I kissed E good-bye and I was wheeled down to the OR. The next thing that happened will never leave me. As I was pushed into my OR, there was a nurse happily singing to whatever song was on the radio. It took me a minute to realize that she was actually singing and it wasn’t just the radio. She came over to introduce herself and then went back to singing… All I could think about was the fact that they were getting ready to physically take my baby from my body and she’s singing? I broke down and started crying. It was so disrespectful in my eyes. How could she be happily singing when my entire world is crashing down around me? At that point I lost it. The anesthesiologist had just put some drugs in my IV and the oxygen mask over my face and I just started bawling. This was really happening. Luckily my assigned nurse quickly grabbed my hand, squeezed it tight, and started wiping the tears from my face. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up in the recovery room.

The physical recovery has been fine; mild cramping and minimal bleeding. Mentally I am as screwed up as I assumed I would be. I just can’t stop crying.

To compound matters even further, G’s birthday party was on Sunday. It has been a total mind fuck to celebrate the birth of one child while completely mourning the loss of another. His party was at a bounce house place and I was the only parent who wasn’t in the inflatables with their kid. I got some weird looks from my friends who didn’t know but that’s about it and I did a great job, I only cried once while we were there and hid it completely. No one knew. It was a great birthday party but so mentally draining and even though I took it as easy as I could I definitely overdid it as the cramps and bleeding picked up exceptionally that night.

I took the day off from work yesterday as well. I needed just one more day to cry and feel sorry for myself. I took G to school in the morning, came home, took a hot shower and cried my eyes out in bed till 11am. By then I felt good and numb. I pulled myself up and thought it was best if I ate something. I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of the day doing nothing so I decided to go to Hobby Lobby and get some materials to make a floral arrangement for my foyer. I stopped and got some lunch on the way home and spent the afternoon watching tv and putting my arrangement together (which looks great). By the time I was done it was time to get G from school. No more time for crying. The evening went by fine and I kept it together.

I thought it would have just been an easy transition into sleep but instead the crying started again… and kept up for 45 minutes straight. E just laid there and held me as the tears just kept coming. I’m drained. So physically and mentally drained.

I don’t even know my next steps. I emailed the clinic and asked when I need to come in for my HCG drawn or if it was even necessary because of the D&C. I just want my baby back. With every ounce of my being, I want my baby back.

I am sure each day will get a little better but right now I still feel like it’s never going to end. Like the immense pain is never going to go away.

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“Your uterus just likes being pregnant”

One of the few things you probably shouldn’t say to someone who just found out her baby no longer has a heart beat… but we’ll get to that.

This morning was my follow-up ultrasound. The past 2.5 days I had pretty much convinced myself that today was going to go terribly. I had several moments of hope where I thought that magically my baby would have caught up and been totally normal but they were few and far between. All my symptoms were gone and I just sort of knew.

There was terrible traffic this morning but for once it didn’t really bother me. I wasn’t in a terrible rush to get to this appointment and so I tried to just enjoy listening to my favorite morning show and slowly move down the interstate. I got to the office right on time and was taken back immediately. I knew the ultrasound tech didn’t have much hope either as the first words out of her mouth were “you’re alone?” – yup. Sure am. Not everyone can take off of work so many times and E just couldn’t do it. It is what it is. He has issues with his emotions and I was sort of glad he wasn’t going to be there. If it went badly he would be very angry (how he expresses his sadness) and that is not what I wanted to deal with.

I didn’t cry, I just got undressed and up on the table. Same routine only this time after a few minutes I didn’t hear “I’ve got a heart beat,” I heard “there hasn’t been any change in growth.” I asked if there was a heart beat and before she could answer just said never mind, if there wasn’t any growth I’m sure it doesn’t matter much. She told me she would need another minute but she didn’t see one. I kept my composure while she took a few more pictures and then I went to get dressed. As soon as the bathroom door closed I lost it. I couldn’t help it. My baby was gone.

When I came out she showed me to another room and I sat there sobbing while waiting on the nurse. I texted E and told him that there was no heart beat and that I was so sorry. I didn’t know what else to say… I lost our baby. I can’t even get through typing this without tears running down my face. I just can’t believe it.

The nurse came in went over everything. She said that no fetal heart activity was identified and it appears that the yolk sac essentially split in two which is indicative of a genetic deformity. She then went over my options; 1) wait for nature to take it’s course, 2) a medication to essentially induce labor but it’s not guaranteed to expel all the contents, or 3) a D&C. I asked about the pros and cons of each and with options 1 and 2, since I haven’t had any spotting or cramping she said “your uterus just likes being pregnant and doesn’t want to let go” – yea, thanks. I didn’t want to let go either. After speaking with E we opted for a D&C which is scheduled for tomorrow. I don’t want to prolong the process and honestly the idea of my dead baby just sitting inside me upsets me more than anything.

I left feeling numb and drained. I don’t know how those of you who have gone through this once, let alone multiple times, move on. I feel like I am going to be stuck in this state for the rest of my life.

This also comes at a difficult time… G’s third birthday party is on Sunday. How on earth am I going to get everything together and plaster a smile on my face knowing that I just lost my baby. I’m going to do it for him, of course, but fuck. I’m hoping something just takes over me and I magically pull it off beautifully. We’ll see.

Thank you all for your support and kind words as I have been going through this ❤