"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Infertility and Motherhood


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Time for an update

Life has been crazy… it’s been 2 days shy of 13 weeks since L was born. Last week was my first week back to work, meaning his first day at daycare. Even though he is my second baby… that shit is not any easier. I bawled the first day and every day since it feels like my heart is left with him as I walk out the door. He seems to be adjusting ok… he barely sleeps but he’s been eating fine and I’ve only walked in once where he was screaming his little head off. Granted, today is only his 5th day so, there are plenty more opportunities for that.

L is such a good baby. Most of the time he only cries when he needs something. He’ll have an off day every now and then and be fussy but overall, he’s so good. He typically only naps 30-50 minutes at a time but sometimes we get some good 2 hour naps, those are really nice! Experts say he should be able to go 3-4 hours between eating but he still eats every 2-2.5 hours during the day which ends up being a lot!!

At night he’s really improved. Sometimes we can make it all night without eating and sometimes he’ll take a 4 ounce bottle. It really depends on how many times he has woken up. I’ve had a handful of nights where he has slept through the night already, those are INCREDIBLE!!! Most of the time though he’s up twice a night, sometimes up to 5 or 6 and those are dreadful. We’re hoping to start sleep training in about a month or so and I am hoping it is as successful as it was with G.

L is smiling and laughing but he really makes you work for it. Most of the time he just looks at you with these crazy eyebrows like “what the F are you doing.” It’s hilarious. He started rolling from tummy to his back at 11 weeks and it’s so cute watching him go. He still doesn’t seem to know exactly what he’s doing but he does it! He’s such an incredibly strong baby and big too!!

G is doing great. He turned 4 at the end of August and started private pre-school. In a month he has already learned how to write his name! It’s still quite sloppy but most of the time you can totally make out what it is. He’s been learning the alphabet, their sounds, and even their signs which has been super cool. They are doing sight words which I don’t love since it essentially is just teaching them to memorize words and not learn how to sound them out but I guess that is how it’s done now-a-days.

Preschool is intense though… He has homework almost every night and then a show-and-tell project due each Friday. It was hard enough to do while on maternity leave but now that I am back to work it seems close to impossible. I want to be able to spend time with G and L after work/daycare but by the time I get them home, I have to do homework with G, make dinner, and then get them ready for bed. I feel like I get no quality time with L at all during the week 😦

Coming back to work has also been overwhelming. I had been training a partner for over 7 months before going out on leave. She covered for me while I was out and now that I am back we had a plan to essentially split the large work load. I was content with this arrangement but on Friday she called me to let me know that she put in her 2 week notice. I have no idea what I am going to do because I refuse to work 11 hours a day anymore and the work load is insane. My manager said that they will be working to get me some assistance but I am honestly not holding my breath.

E and I are good. We haven’t had much of any alone time since I don’t really trust anyone to watch L yet but have had a few nice in-home date nights. Uber Eats has been crucial to our survival when it comes to actual food and not hot dogs or sandwiches LOL

That’s pretty much the jist of it. I’ve been trying to keep up with everyone’s blogs but hopefully will get better now that life is becoming “back to normal.”

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Where we’re at now

So it’s been 6 and a half weeks since L was born. Talk about crazy… It seems to have gone so fast yet it’s hard to imagine life prior to his arrival. Maybe that’s because I am so tired that it seems like he’s been with us forever LOL – all joking aside, the time has really gone quite fast.

I had really hoped my breastfeeding journey this time around would be better than the first however I still have the same problem: My body simply does not want to produce. Sometimes first thing in the morning I can get 2-2.5 ounces total but each subsequent session I only get about an ounce. And that is with being on the maximum dose of domperidone. Needless to say, we are supplementing with formula. I made it 9 days of breastfeeding alone but by day 9 he was still not gaining weight and was down almost a pound from his birth weight so I had no choice. It doesn’t bother me one bit that he’s on mostly formula, I am just disappointed that my body continues to betray me, even after his conception ((does that feeling of defeat ever go away after infertility?)).

He’s an overall great baby. From day 2 he has only woken up once or twice at night and at 4 weeks I transitioned him from the rock and play in our room to the crib in his room. He’s on a pretty good schedule too and gives me good happy awake times between naps. He has his issues with bedtime but once he is actually down for the night it’s pretty good. I am exhausted though. I typically get 3-4 hours of sleep before he wakes and then 2-3 more after he goes back to sleep and wakes up for the day. Never enough to get into good deep sleep. I am hoping E agrees to take a night for me soon. I would absolutely love a full night.

I have 5 weeks left of maternity leave and it feels like it’s going to go in the blink of an eye. I am no where near ready to go back to work and send him to daycare. The thought makes me shutter but I know it’s be here before I know it so I need to mentally prepare now.

I feel like there is so much more I could update on but I really should get to bed while I can. I will update more soon!

 

Newborn photo shoot – 12 days old

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He’s here!

Written on 6/21/2018:

He’s here!!!! What a crazy 8 days it has been and I can’t believe I already have a 1 week old. It all started on Tuesday 6/12/18 when I went for my 40 week appointment (I was 39w6d). They did an ultrasound and made sure he was head down and estimated him to be about 8 pounds 6 ounces which was right on par with G who was 8 pounds 8 ounces. The doctor said everything looked good, I was measuring 41 weeks but baby sounded and looked great. She did a cervical check and I was a “tight 3” and baby was still high but she was able to do a sweep and sent me on my way.

That afternoon and evening I had on and off contractions but nothing too painful. More uncomfortable than anything else. We went to bed and I started having contractions a little more frequently but I was able to doze on and off from 9-10pm. At 10:22pm I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, stood up out of bed, and my water broke. Just like G, it was definitely not a trickle, and while I made it to the tile, I didn’t make it to the toilet. Oops! Thank goodness for towels.

Luckily my mom was already on her way over “just in case” and she was pulling into my neighborhood when my water broke. I jumped in the shower, called the hospital, and finished putting the last few things in my hospital bag. By the time we left my contractions were a minute and 40 seconds to 3 minutes apart and they hurt like a mother. We made it to the hospital, got a bed in triage by 11:40pm, was 3-4cm dilated, and baby was at -2 station.

Luckily it was a slow night and I got a room immediately which meant that I got my epidural immediately and that was in by 12:40. The epidural was definitely not as smooth as the first time and he had to stick me twice to get it in. After that he gave me an extra dose because he said I was tall and that’s how it works. Well it was too much. As soon as the anesthesiologist left I told my nurse I felt like I was going to be sick. Evan said I turned stark white and my pulse when down to 50. Luckily my nurse turned me quickly and I instantly felt better and my pulse increased.

Things were all good and at 1am they checked me again and I was 5-6cm but baby was still high. At 4:40am I was 7-8cm and baby was STILL incredibly high so they decided to give just a small dose of Pitocin to see if we could speed some things along. After that he started having some decreased activity and they got a little concerned. They stopped the Pitocin, flipped me, gave me oxygen, and started another bag of fluids which seemed to correct the problem. At 6:35am I was 9.5cm, 100% effacted and 0 station. My midwife thought it would just be another hour or so and baby would be here… well at 8:30am there was NO CHANGE. At this point there was a shift change and I had a new midwife that I hadn’t met before. After 2 hours and no change there was obviously some cause for concern.

She determined that baby was laying on his side which is why I hadn’t progressed and why he was still so high. We decided that starting Pitocin again to try and get some strong contractions in order for him to turn was the best bet. If that didn’t work we would need to discuss the possibility of a c-section. At this point my epidural was doing very little and even the pain button was doing nothing. Luckily, at 9:20am I had an uncontrollable urge to push. Baby was only at +1 station but my nurse told me if I had to push that I could. Holy hell. I really got away lucky with G where I didn’t have to try at all… this time, not so much. I guess I did pretty good though because by 9:45am the midwife was called since baby was ready to be born.

It got intense after that. The midwife assisted in getting baby’s head out with massage and manual manipulation but it wasn’t an “exciting” moment. There was no “oh he’s got so much hair!” The midwife immediately told me that I have to push and I have to push hard. My eyes stayed closed but Evan said that she was literally taking his neck and prying him out. His shoulders were stuck and it was a scary few moments, however at 9:55am on June 13th baby L came into the world. They had called in the respiratory and NICU team as a precaution which I didn’t even know until I opened my eyes and saw about 15 people in my room. I was supposed to get immediate skin to skin and I did, long enough for Evan to cut the cord, and then they moved him to the warmer because they needed to assess him closely. We got really lucky and he seemed completely fine. They did some extra suctioning and after a few minutes, the two additional teams left and I got to hold my son. He was 8 pounds 12 ounces, 22 inches long, of pure perfection.

He did have some bruising on his right arm and back from the birth but overall there were no issues and I was able to leave the very next day. Being home has been great and while we are struggling with breastfeeding and supply issues, we’re working on it. I can’t believe this part of the journey is over… a whole new adventure has begun!

 


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Dear baby boy,

39 weeks 3 days – 4 days to go

Dear L,

As I approach your estimated arrival date I am filled with all sorts of emotions. Knowing I only have a few days left for us to be connected as one fills my mind the most. I am not ready to share you with people. I wish it could be just our family of four for a while before having to hand you off to so many different people. Oh your kicks, I will miss those so much! Even though you are seriously strong and it’s sometimes uncomfortable I absolutely LOVE you moving around in there. Having your dad lay next to me at night and marvel at your movements is pretty special too. Knowing you will be the last baby that we get to have makes me cherish every second of your pregnancy. You truly are our miracle.

I have doubts of being a mom of 2. I worry about the age difference between you and your brother… to be honest, I worry about almost everything. Through it all though, I am so ready for you to be in my arms.

I think about what you’re going to look like (probably just like your brother, who is the spitting image of your father), what kind of baby you’re going to be like, and how I know my love for you is only going to grow every day. The days of it just being me and you are numbered, kid. Soon I will get to learn all these things first hand.

There are just a few things I want you to know… 1) Always be yourself. Don’t think just because your brother or your friends are doing something, you have to do it to. Do what makes YOU happy. Always. 2) Remember that your dad and I will ALWAYS be here for you. I don’t care what you do, we will always stick by your side. 3) Stay strong. The world we live in today can be a harsh place. Know that you have the strength in you to weather any storm that comes your way. 4) Last but not least, know just how much I love you. There aren’t really words to describe the love I have for you but nothing in this world can change it.

I hope to be holding you soon my sweet boy. I love you so much.

-Mommy


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Home Stretch

35 weeks 5 days – 30 days to go

I’m in the last 30 days of this pregnancy. Wow. It seemed to have flown by and dragged on forever all at the same time. I am so ready to hold this baby boy in my arms but I am trying to savor the last moments of my last pregnancy. A lot has happened since my last appointment.

Baby L’s Heart: I’ve been monitored weekly for the last month since they discovered he had a premature beat. From my first specialist appointment where they were hearing the skip almost every beat to this past Friday where it wasn’t detected during the time they listened. Each appointment the skip was less and less and it appears to have corrected itself like they hoped. I have been officially discharged from the specialist. They will monitor baby during labor and possibly do an EKG after he’s born but as of right now we are in the all clear.

Nursery: The nursery is 98% done! The only thing I have left to do is put his letter names above his crib and then have the room cleaned. I do have the luxury of having a cleaning service but they don’t clean the rooms we aren’t using so the room hasn’t officially been cleaned yet. That should be getting done this week and the letters hopefully soon after. I am just waiting on my friend to make some dinosaur footprints for them (the “theme” is dinosaurs).

Bags: I have started packing the hospital bag and it’s amazing how different I am this time around from the first time. I had a huge rolling bag duffel bag packed for my first pregnancy. This pregnancy? I have a regular duffel bag and it’s 1/4 of the way packed which not much else I want to bring. There are the last minute essentials and toiletries but there will definitely be plenty of extra room. Maybe I’ll be able to sneak some extra freebies from the hospital 😉

What’s left: The carseat needs to go in the car in the next week or so. I also need to rearrange the kitchen cabinets in order to make room for the bottles, paci’s, teething toys, breast pump accessories, etc. and then to go through and sterilize all those things. Other than that I just need to rearrange the living room a little to put the baby’s swing up and figure out where I am going to put the downstairs pack and play. Oh and the downstairs diaper changing station needs to be organized.

Work: I have been working on getting the people covering for me up to speed for when I am out. It’s not an easy task and I am nervous about what is going to happen while I’m gone but I’m trying to let it go. It’s just a lot. I filed for my FMLA last week and still unclear on what exactly I need to do in order to get that approved so I need to figure that out.

Me: I am exhausted. The last 6ish weeks with my first pregnancy were like this too but damn. Add taking care of a toddler and I swear there are moments where I wonder if I could actually sleep while doing the dishes. I work in front of a computer and I am not going to lie… I have found myself nodding off on the rare slow moments.

Last week was the first time I noticed some ankle and foot swelling. I really feel like it’s my body’s warning sign to slow down. I’ve just been go go go since day 1. I really need to stop and take more breaks and not do as much as I have been doing. My BP is still good though (Friday it was 112/74) and I am now 1 pound above my pre-pregnancy weight. My appetite has definitely decreased though. Not sure if it’s because baby is still so high or what but I just haven’t been as overly hungry as I have been in the past. I have broken out the big exercise ball to start bouncing on. It hurts my hips so I don’t stay on it very long at this point but it does relieve some of the back pain from sitting in my desk chair all day.

Even though I have been doing weekly appointments for baby’s heart, I am officially at the point of weekly appointments just because I am close to the end! This week is the dreaded Group B swab test and they said that I may get a cervical check if I have been contracting. I’ve had a few very noticeable braxton hicks contractions but other than that they’ve been pretty tame and infrequent. I may just decline the cervical check until my 37 week appointment. I am so interested to see when this little one decides to arrive and if his delivery is anything like his big brothers. I do plan on asking for a cervical sweep at my 39 week appointment though…

I hope the next 30 days are productive and uneventful!


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Perinatologist Appointment

31 weeks 6 days – 57 days to go

Last week I mentioned that my OB heard something with baby’s heart and wanted me to see a specialist for a closer look. Today was that appointment.

We luckily got some good news. Baby does in fact have a premature heartbeat but the heart structure and rhythm are normal. The doctor said that in most cases it will correct on its own. Only 5% of the time does it turn into an issue where the baby’s heart rate stays accelerated and then it needs to be addressed. They do want it monitored so I will be doing weekly appointments from now until the end of the pregnancy.

They did a good job at reassuring me that everything should work itself out and that they will be closely listening for any changes.

I can’t believe I am at weekly appointments now. So crazy…


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31 weeks

31 weeks 0 days – 63 days to go

You know how I keep saying I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with this pregnancy? Well it may have today.

I had my regular OB appointment scheduled today; I gained a few more lbs but BP was still normal so I felt pretty good when the midwife came in. She asked how I was doing and then went to listen to baby. I could tell it didn’t sound like it normally does… almost kloppy, like a horse who’s step was off. I listened and thought it was strange but didn’t get concerned until she kept the doppler on him and kept listening. After what felt like a lifetime she said she hears something but isn’t sure exactly what and asked if I would mind if she went to get one of the OB’s to listen. Queue the panic.

The OB came in and listened and he agreed that there was something there. It sounds like his heart keeps skipping a beat. They said it could be normal as that happens with people all the time but they want it checked out by a perinatologist just to be certain.

That appointment isn’t until Tuesday at 10… which feels like forever away.

This has been a terrible week and this was the absolute last thing I needed. I pray everything is ok and we can just move past this with no issues.