"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after infertility

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“Call The Midwife”

I started watching “Call The Midwife” on Netflix. Don’t ask me why… maybe I just love to torture myself.

Even though it’s all about babies (and just how easy it is to get pregnant. Some of these women have 24 children!!!!!!!), it is an incredibly interesting show. It’s set in the late 50’s/early 60’s in East End England and based on a true story.

I cry almost every single episode. Even though all these women have their own stories and troubles the look on their faces when their babies are born is nothing short of awe.

I want that feeling just one more time. I feel like I didn’t get to savor it all enough last time… I feel like I am forgetting what it feels like to be kicked from the inside. What it feels like to be growing life. I don’t want to lose those memories and am yearning for a chance to be reminded first hand. I keep trying to stay patient and keeps telling myself; “a little less than 2 months till we can try,” but it’s getting harder and harder.

Regardless, back to my show to watch other people give birth to amazing babies.

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Things have been put in motion

Where to start… I have been so busy with work I feel like I don’t have any semblance of a life anymore, so this is going to be quick with not much fluff.

  1. I met with Dr. B last week for my follow-up and all my bloodwork looked great. I have a good egg reserve, hormones are all within appropriate ranges and nothing looked off. My miscarriage rate calculated between the appropriate hormones and my age is 30% (with a pregnancy rate of 60% via IVF).
  2. E is doing well on his pregnal injections and clomid. His testosterone has gone from 38 to 580 within 3 weeks and the markers telling his brain to produce sperm have started firing again so there is hope that his next SA (which is scheduled for May 19) will show some results.
  3. I have started birth control. Since my cycles are unpredictable and I would like to start a cycle the second we get back from our vacation at the end of June, we started me on BCPs now. I am doing a full pack (active and sugar pills) and then staying on active pills until getting back from vacation.
  4. As long as E’s SA results show sperm we will move forward. In the meantime we will be doing our injection class and figuring out all the legal stuff of what to do with any left over eggs.
  5. If for some reason E’s SA doesn’t show improvements then that is the end of the line for for with this journey. We will cherish our amazing son and I will start the process of accepting that we will not have another child.

Now… back to work.


Bullet update

The last two-ish weeks have been a one-step-in-front-of-the-other type of situation. Going through more motions to try and get to the point we want to be.

  • My CD3 bloodwork and follicle check went fine. I had about 7 tiny follicles on each side (which is way lower than the end of last year during my IUI’s) but they said that was good. All my bloodwork came back great (hormones, A1C, std, etc) with the exception of slightly elevated liver functions. Dr. B wants to redo the liver just to make sure its normal and I wish she would just look at the last 4 years of my RE history to know that this is normal. But whatever. The only thing that is a problem is that apparently my chicken pox antibodies are no longer present from when I had the vaccine as a child. So I need to get that. The kicker? It’s a 2 series vaccine with 30 days between each one. A minimum of 60 days before I can attempt a cycle. It’s a good fucking thing we had already decided to wait until after our vacation at the end of June to start because of E’s issues (if it’s even possible) or else that would have been a serious shot to the heart. On the day I found out I called about 6 pharmacy’s to see who had the vaccine. No one carried it but I finally found one who could order it and administer. Oh and it’s also not covered by insurance. Yay.
  • E had his ultrasound and follow-up with the reproductive urologist. The ultrasound (testicles and prostate) went well – nothing crazy out of the ordinary. Dr. W says that he understands why his testosterone is so low based on his varicocele vein but he didn’t mention surgery so I am assuming it’s not bad enough to consider it. Instead they came with with the following protocol: 25mg clomid daily and then pregnal (HCG) injections 3 times a week. He goes back on the 19th for bloodwork and then meeting again on May 3rd to discuss what to do further (and hopefully schedule another SA).
  • We are supposed to start having sex at least 3 times a week in order to try and get E’s natural testosterone going too. This is not easy for me as I have lost all joy in sex over the last 5ish years. Infertility has robbed me of it. I find zero pleasure in the act of sex because all I can think about is how it’s “pointless.” As in, there is no chance of a baby so why bother? It has caused so many issues in our relationship over the years and now I have to force myself to do it 3 times a week. It’s going to be a struggle because as hard as I try, I just have zero desire.
  • The pregnancy announcements are coming fast and furious. Spring is in the air and they are popping up all over facebook as fast as the buds on the trees. Each one stings in a different way. I got a call from my cousin on saturday and as soon as I saw her name on my phone I knew why she was calling. That was a hard call to take for two reasons: 1) I obviously knew she was calling to tell me she was pregnant but 2) I knew she went through IVF to do it. She discovered that both her and her husband carry the same type of gene that causes certain baby’s to not make it past a few weeks gestation so they decided to not chance multiple losses and go straight to IVF. She’s apparently 15 weeks and all is great. I am so happy for them but gutted for myself. We talked about doing IVF at the same time at the end of last year and we haven’t spoken much about it since. Well apparently she was able to start right away and is already out of her first trimester while I am over here still just waiting to see if we can even attempt IVF. It was a hard pill for me to swallow.
  • I am not sure if I am in protection mode or just don’t really care anymore. I mean, I obviously care but I am not obsessing like I once was. Maybe it’s this new clinic… they are nothing like my old one and I am not a huge fan. They are much more laid back about all this pre-work. They weren’t allowed to tell me my follicle count on CD3 (had to wait to hear on CD14 when they called to report all my bloodword) which was just common practice at my old place. So maybe the fact that they give off the impression that they don’t care has just rubbed off on me. Maybe I just don’t want to be going through this so I don’t have it in me to obsess. Maybe my heart isn’t fully in it. Maybe I am in protection mode… knowing that at any of these appointments we could get the response of “we can’t proceed” and we would have to figure out how to be ok as a one child household (please know we are beyond grateful for having our wonderful son, we have just always pictured 2). Who knows.

That’s the low-down. Nothing too exciting is happening around here and it doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon.

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What’s a few more months?

E had his fertility urologist appointment today, after we found out 2 weeks ago that he now has zero sperm.

The urologist was fairly thorough and felt confident that his sperm issue is due to the testosterone E was taking for a while. However they are going to do the typical tests to rule everything out. He had a bunch of blood drawn today and will have an ultrasound of his prostate and testicles next week. Then the following week will have a followup appointment to go over treatment options (if there are any available).

The dr didn’t want to discuss “what if’s” until he has all the information but did say that if E never regained sperm production they could physically go in with a needle and retrieve it. I am not sure how far we are actually willing to go but we will cross that bridge at the time.

What we did decide on is that based on his testing and treatment we wouldn’t be able to even think about starting a cycle till July/August-ish. This means that the vacation we were wavering on is definitely happening. We deserve a week at the beach and I know our son will have a blast. He has loved it each time so I know now that he will be almost 3 he’s going to have a blast. We will have a condo right on the beach. It’s going to be great.

I started my cycle 2 days ago so I am going to the RE tomorrow for my cycle day 3 bloodwork and diagnostic ultrasound. After that I will meet with Dr. B to go over everything and figure out a plan. I think I am going to ask if I can go on BCPs so I have a regular cycle for a few months… I don’t know. I’ll be interested in hearing her thoughts.

Considering we started back with the fertility dr this past July and we had anticipated being pregnant by the end of 2016… whats a few more months? I just can’t dwell too long on this because it will defeat me and that’s not something I can allow to happen. Hopefully, E will be able to start producing sperm again and we can move onto IVF towards the end of summer.


Still processing

We got a call 6 days ago. E’s semen analysis came back and there were 0 sperm found. To say that was a shock, is an understatement. We’ve had about 15 SA’s over the last couple years, 5 of which were from july 2016-november 2016 and he has had sperm in every single sample. His numbers weren’t great but they were at least there!

How can someone go from sperm to no sperm in a matter of 2 months?! They didn’t even give us any type of “where we go from here” scenario. They said he needs to go see another fertility urologist and that’s it. We have been trying to get that scheduled but they wont schedule it until they get the records from the RE and no one at the RE seems to be in a hurry to send them. We have been calling daily.

I have specifically stayed off google as I am not sure how helpful it will be and I am already upset/stressed about it enough as it is.

We were hoping to start treatment in a month or so and now? Who knows what we can do. I am so lost and hurt. Why does this have to be so hard?

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2.5 years old


Oh sweet boy. You’re two and a half… I don’t think there is any further explanation other than that. You are everything a toddler should be; happy, sad, angry, bossy, affectionate, and into everything. You have an attitude unlike anything I have ever experienced before and are so strong willed that there are some days where I don’t feel like I am enough to be your mom. Then there are the moments where you need me and I melt. When you want to hold my hand. When you insist that you give me a hug AND a kiss before bed each night. When you tell me you love me. I live my life for those moments.

We have been through so much in the last six months. Your life has been turned upside down but you are handling it quite well. The move from South Carolina to Georgia has been hard… you got a new house, a new school, new teachers, and new friends. The transition hasn’t been easy but we are finally at a place where you almost never cry when being dropped off at school in the morning. You are always so happy to see me when I pick you up. The second your eyes find me, you scream “mommy!!!” and run to me with your arms wide open for a hug. The teachers love you and say you are very well behaved which makes me so proud.

You’ve started putting together more words and say things like: “no, my turn now”, “this one too?”, and “love you mommy.” However, your annunciation is still lacking so your new pediatrician and I agree that you may qualify for speech therapy. I have gone through all the paperwork and you have your evaluation in a few weeks. I am hoping you qualify in order alleviate some of the frustration I see when you can’t properly tell me what you want. Also, to assist other people in understanding you as the majority of the time I am the only one who can interpret your adorable little voice.

You still have zero interest in potty training. You love sitting on the potty but refuse to tell us when you actually need to go. Even in the middle of “the act” we will ask you if you need to go and you will tell us no. Silly boy. I think in the next couple of weeks we are going to try to see what we can do to help push you in the right direction.

I am at a constant battle within myself on wanting you to stay my small baby and trying to push you to do all the “big boy” things. I never know when will be the last time of something so I try and savor it all.

You are growing into such an amazing boy. I love you more than I can possibly express and I am so looking forward to what is in store for our future.

I love you,



Have you had a vaginal ultrasound before?

I had my SHG yesterday and it went well. Uterus looks “beautiful” and there is nothing that should be impeding implantation.

I walked into the ultrasound room at this new clinic and was already irritated that things are so different from my old clinic. I wont lie… I miss my old clinic. I knew the policies and procedures, I knew the people, I knew what to expect. I don’t like the unknown and this new place is just that. It’s SO different and I am not yet a fan.

The ultrasound tech looks at me dead in the face and asks “have you had a vaginal ultrasound before?” It took me a second to realize she was being serious. I totally thought it was a joke… I mean how many years have I been dealing with IF? I can’t even begin to count the number of times I have had the dildo-cam shoved up my vag. I almost laughed. When I realized she was serious I made some sarcastic response which she didn’t seem to appreciate.

Overall the procedure went fine and everything looks good so that’s one more thing to check off my list. E should be calling today to make his appointment for his semen analysis and screening bloodwork and then it’s a waiting game until CD 1 hits where we can do a baseline ultrasound and a slew of bloodwork.