"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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Low T

ImageWe got E’s blood work back today from his PCP appointment and because E discussed with him our lack of pregnancy problems they tested his testosterone levels and they are low. His came in at 291 and “optimal” for his age is around 700, atleast that is what I can find on the internet. The normal testosterone level range is stupid large so it is hard to tell what is normal. 

The Dr. did say that they don’t consider it too low unless it is under 200 but that at his Urologist appointment, he should bring up some testosterone replacement program and see what they say. We got the PCP to fax over all his blood test results to the Urologist so they will have everything. 

Googling really is a curse and a blessing. Based on some of the blogs I have read, people having low T and bad morphology/motility had some success with testosterone treatment and successful IUI’s instead of going the IVF route. So maybe there is some hope with that. Can’t say anything for sure until his Urologist appt though… which is in 3 weeks…

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Tis the baby season

Babies and pregnancies are popping up everywhere. On Facebook and people in the real world – it appears as if it is the season of babies. For the people who I know, I am thrilled. Sincerely beyond excited for them as they either start their families or add to them. All the adorable squishy faces and innocent beautiful eyes… it is truly magical and I hope them all a lifetime of love, laughter and good health.

With all that being said, I sometimes get a little heartbroken. E and I were out to dinner Saturday night and we were talking about possibly driving to see a friend’s newborn this coming weekend. She is beautiful from the pictures I have seen and who wouldn’t love some newborn snuggling?! However, I wasn’t very enthusiastic to go and he wanted to know why. Being a little uncomfortable with all of “this” still, I just said that it is a little hard for me and ended up getting a little choked up. I tried as best I could to explain to him that while I am so happy for them, holding any child gives me mixed emotions of extreme happiness and extreme sadness.

He didn’t really understand but that’s ok… I don’t really think a man could understand a feeling like that so I don’t fault him for it. He asked me when I thought I would be able to make the visit and I simply said that what I feel isn’t a fleeting thought, that it will be with me until we have our own child, so that we can go whenever our schedules match up with theirs.

I know I am not alone with this feeling but it doesn’t make it any easier.

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Self Conscious

ImageI am having a down moment so please forgive this post. I have mentioned before that I am overweight and normally I am pretty ok with that. I grew up modeling and was a competition cheerleader for 7 years but suffered an accident which had me out of commission for over a year when I put on a significant amount of weight and it just never came off and over the years has continued to pile one. Lately I haven’t felt ok with anything. My body (internal and external), my mind, my temper, my patience, my work…. nothing. I feel like I am failing at absolutely EVERYTHING. It is a horrible feeling and I am not sure how to get out of this funk. Tonight though, was the icing on the cake. 

E and I went to get our hair cut, just at Great Clips. I get my hair colored at a salon but never want to pay the $$$$$ for a trim at a big salon when I can get it done at Great Clips for $10. Just my opinion. Well the entire time she was trimming my hair she was telling me how damaged it is. How it’s pretty much beyond repair and looks awful. She went on and on. Even pulled another girl over to show her how bad it was. It took every ounce of me to not have a massive breakdown in the chair. 

It may seem like a small thing, in the grand scheme of things, but to me it was just one more thing that I have to be self conscious about now. Really… my hair?! I use to have gorgeous, healthy hair and I have no idea what happened and didn’t realize it was “that bad.” I really would like to feel pretty again. 

In other news, we had a pretty good weekend otherwise. I have some amazing neighbors who helped us with a project Friday night and got to do some good shopping yesterday and today. E and I talked about possibly telling my parents what is going on with the IF world and we still aren’t sure what we are going to do. I have another follow up on May 9th to discuss options and E has his physical tomorrow and the appt with the Urologist on the 17th. We decided to regroup after all those are done with.

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My personal bubble

ImageI have been trying to fight this feeling of not wanting to be touched, by pretty much anyone. My poor DH has been really “in the mood” lately and I want nothing to do with it. I almost want to use the word “disgusted” and I am really not 100% sure why. 

I think I have lost the understanding of sex should equal fun instead of word with a designated outcome. I don’t even want to engage in the act since I feel its futile. That’s not how it’s suppose to be! I love my husband, no matter how crazy he makes me sometimes, and love sex but I don’t even want to be touched in any romantic way possible. I need to be in a huge bubble where only the dogs can get to me. 

I dont even know how to turn my thought process around and get a back in the mood <sigh> I hope this passes soon!

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Stress-Free 2WW?

ImageNot analyzing every twinge? Not poking my boobs to see if they are more sore than normal? Not CONSTANTLY thinking “is this it !?!”. 

This has been the first cycle in a while where I haven’t been obsessed about the possibility of being pregnant. After we received E’s news I have been so focused on the fact that we probably wont get pregnant on our own that this 2ww has been kind of liberating. I am watching my calendar and should expect AF in 5 days but I truly dont believe that I could be pregnant so I haven’t even thought about possibly testing or “looking” for signs. 

I’m not sure if I am happy about this or not… the 2ww is horrible when trying to figure it out if something is actually going to happen THIS time. It has been nice not going crazy but I am worried that means I have lost hope.

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Torturing Dreams

ImageAbout three times a week I have a really vivid dream of being pregnant, having a baby, having a young child, etc. I always wake up the next day with about 10 seconds of bliss, thinking that it may have been a memory and then the realization kicks in and acknowledge the fact that it was just a dream. This obviously brings on a sadness that pretty much lasts with me for the remainder of the day. Every now and then the dream just pops back up into my mind and then I end up spending time analyzing it. 

I was cooking dinner tonight and all I could think of was bits and pieces of the dream I had last night. It was just a typical work day for me and I had the most beautiful little girl. She was maybe 3 months old and it was just about incorporating her schedule into mine. Taking breaks from my computer to breastfeed. Feeling unbelievably connected to this little thing that I just stared down at. Having E come home and the three of us sitting down to eat and then resting together as a family… dogs and all. It felt so real. 

To be honest, it is nice to know that I have the ability to be happy like that but I really wish the dreams would stop. It almost makes all this harder.

Last night E and I had a discussion that after he has his physical and goes to the urologist we aren’t going to seek any additional help until after summer. I am going to start temping with this upcoming cycle and so by August/September we will have a few cycles to show the doctor. I have my annual OBGYN appt on May 9th and guess I will talk to her about what exactly is ahead of us and possibly get a RE referral.

Here’s hoping to a dreamless sleep tonight!

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I am not in the mood…

After everything that has been going on and the informational overload I feel from gorging Imagemyself with articles/blogs/forums on the internet I am not in the mood to talk about children. Tonight we went to a friends surprise birthday party and the person hosting the party has two adorable girls (3 and 6). They are beyond bratty and have very little manners but it is amazing how little that matters when all you want is to have a kid of your own…

They were the only couple at the party who have children under the age of 14 and so a lot of the conversation was about when the two couples who were there were going to have babies. I wanted nothing to do with the conversation since we aren’t telling people about our struggles. I could tell my face just fell and my entire mood changed when the topic was changed to that. The worst part is that I felt guilty for feeling that way! It is so hard to do this “alone” – when everyone on the outside just thinks that the reason we don’t have kids is because we aren’t ready.

There is a girl up the street who is pregnant and due in the beginning of June and we are doing a neighborhood dinner rotation for them. I don’t know them very well but I signed up because I am so happy for people who have the ability to have children and from what little I know of them they are so excited. They are having a little boy and so they were also the topic of conversation tonight. I was hoping for a couple hours of not having to really think hard about this but that didnt exactly happen. Oh well… on to another work week.

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Where we begin

In January of this year the want for a child grew exponentially for my husband and I so we decided to see if we could figure out why we haven’t been able to bring a bundle of joy into the world yet. 

I went through the blood tests (no PCOS, yay!) and an HSG (my fallopian tubes were clear, another yay!). The next step was for my husband to get a semen analysis… this is where we ran into our first problem. He had 0% morphology, meaning that none of the sperm in that sample had a normal shape. He also had low motility (movement). So now we are on to our next step which is seeing a Urologist which isn’t until May 17th <sigh> 

In the mean time he is going to go and get a full physical to make sure nothing else is wrong. He has some trouble finishing while we are doing the deed and occasionally gets limp really easily. He has no trouble getting it up but if we aren’t actively doing the baby-dance we run into trouble.

I could still be part of the problem too. I am overweight which can affect TTC a great deal. The hardest part about what has been going on is after we received E’s semen analysis, we were told that our only option may be IVF. To go from preliminary tests to hearing that… needless to say, it was a shocker. 

Well that is the beginning of this journey. I so desperately want to be pregnant and be a mom. To have a family… there are just no words.

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I have never created/written a blog before so this will be a first too. I am 25 and my husband (will refer to him as “E” going forward) is 27 and we have been off of birth control since January 2011 and actively TTC for a little over a year.

We currently own 2 homes and have 4 adorable puppies. I work from home and E is a manager at a large national company.

I love to read and the only thing that helps me relax is a hot bath.

The title of the blog is just something I always think about. You hear about all of these people who have “mistakes” or end up on “16 and Pregnant” on a whim. You spend years trying NOT to have a baby and so you expect, at least I did, that when you actually tried to get pregnant it would be easy and gratifying. Well, isn’t it a fun little bit of information to find out that it may not be that easy for everyone… Welcome to our ambivalent journey through this crazy thing they call infertility.