"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Torturing Dreams

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ImageAbout three times a week I have a really vivid dream of being pregnant, having a baby, having a young child, etc. I always wake up the next day with about 10 seconds of bliss, thinking that it may have been a memory and then the realization kicks in and acknowledge the fact that it was just a dream. This obviously brings on a sadness that pretty much lasts with me for the remainder of the day. Every now and then the dream just pops back up into my mind and then I end up spending time analyzing it. 

I was cooking dinner tonight and all I could think of was bits and pieces of the dream I had last night. It was just a typical work day for me and I had the most beautiful little girl. She was maybe 3 months old and it was just about incorporating her schedule into mine. Taking breaks from my computer to breastfeed. Feeling unbelievably connected to this little thing that I just stared down at. Having E come home and the three of us sitting down to eat and then resting together as a family… dogs and all. It felt so real. 

To be honest, it is nice to know that I have the ability to be happy like that but I really wish the dreams would stop. It almost makes all this harder.

Last night E and I had a discussion that after he has his physical and goes to the urologist we aren’t going to seek any additional help until after summer. I am going to start temping with this upcoming cycle and so by August/September we will have a few cycles to show the doctor. I have my annual OBGYN appt on May 9th and guess I will talk to her about what exactly is ahead of us and possibly get a RE referral.

Here’s hoping to a dreamless sleep tonight!

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