"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Self Conscious

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ImageI am having a down moment so please forgive this post. I have mentioned before that I am overweight and normally I am pretty ok with that. I grew up modeling and was a competition cheerleader for 7 years but suffered an accident which had me out of commission for over a year when I put on a significant amount of weight and it just never came off and over the years has continued to pile one. Lately I haven’t felt ok with anything. My body (internal and external), my mind, my temper, my patience, my work…. nothing. I feel like I am failing at absolutely EVERYTHING. It is a horrible feeling and I am not sure how to get out of this funk. Tonight though, was the icing on the cake. 

E and I went to get our hair cut, just at Great Clips. I get my hair colored at a salon but never want to pay the $$$$$ for a trim at a big salon when I can get it done at Great Clips for $10. Just my opinion. Well the entire time she was trimming my hair she was telling me how damaged it is. How it’s pretty much beyond repair and looks awful. She went on and on. Even pulled another girl over to show her how bad it was. It took every ounce of me to not have a massive breakdown in the chair. 

It may seem like a small thing, in the grand scheme of things, but to me it was just one more thing that I have to be self conscious about now. Really… my hair?! I use to have gorgeous, healthy hair and I have no idea what happened and didn’t realize it was “that bad.” I really would like to feel pretty again. 

In other news, we had a pretty good weekend otherwise. I have some amazing neighbors who helped us with a project Friday night and got to do some good shopping yesterday and today. E and I talked about possibly telling my parents what is going on with the IF world and we still aren’t sure what we are going to do. I have another follow up on May 9th to discuss options and E has his physical tomorrow and the appt with the Urologist on the 17th. We decided to regroup after all those are done with.

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