"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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Getting Ready for Vacation!

We leave Friday for vacation and I can not even begin to tell you how excited I am. A whole week “off” work (I will still have to check email and work an hour or 2 a day but that is nothing to my 9+ hour days). 

Friday I think I am going to work from the car in the morning since E downloaded an app on his phone to get wifi and then take the afternoon off 😀 We should get to our half way mark around 2 and hopefully get to see some family/friends. Then we will leave bright and early Saturday morning to head to Orlando!! We have some friends that we havent seen in over a year that are coming and meeting us down there. We got a 2 bedroom condo at a beautiful resort. 

I already started packing. Clothes are almost done, got two new books downloaded to my kindle, beach/pool bag is done, the dog’s out of town bag is almost complete and I started packing a bunch of spices/oil/storage containers (since we have a full kitchen down there).

Now, I am just going to get over the insecurities of being in a bathing suit. I bought a new one this year that is very pretty and is somewhat complimentary to my body. I want to enjoy going to the pool and laying out and damnit I am going to!! 

We are going to be gone a whole 9 days! I am going to be exhausted when I get back but it will be worth it 🙂 And I have something to look forward to when I get back… I signed up for a new healthy weightloss program that I am ready to commit to. Enough screwing around… I am going to get back to my healthy self. I miss being the fit/normal girl I use to be. I dont want to be “skinny”. I want to look healthy and I think I found something that is really going to help me get there. Being disciplined is going to be the hardest part about it but I am going to do it!!!!

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This is going to be a post simply about nothing in particular, just a whole bunch of thoughts. 

E is gone for the weekend for his brother’s graduation so I am here alone. That’s fine. I am glad that he is with his brother but damn do I hate being inside my own head. 

Summer is here. Flowers are beautifully being displayed and trees are growing and producing leaves to provide shade and cover from the sun. This also means that the pool is open. I love laying out. Growing up in Florida, I lived outside at the beach and pool. Even when I was a cheerleader we would occasionally practice at the beach. Luckily the couple of neighbors I know also love laying out so we have been up there a couple times. Now, it is just a constant reminder of not having a child. There are beautiful little girls laughing and playing with mermaid barbies and adorable little boys running around the pool playing tag or playing marco polo. The moms and dads are lounging around watching their kids and I am sitting there with nothing to watch and so I feel like a creep watching the kids. Like somehow, because I don’t have a child, I shouldn’t be there. What a wonderful summer it is going to be.

I am sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Wallowing in my misery of being alone and childless. The crazy dog lady is what they will call me.

I went to go get my favorite waffles this morning and of coarse this adorable woman was infront of me… a kid on each arm and a perfect baby belly. Here it was, 8am, I look like total shit and here she is with her perfect children, perfect make-up, perfect hair and a glorious smile on her face. I wanted to tell her to fuck off. Which, I know, is totally unfair and ridiculous but it was how I felt. I just prayed that she wouldnt talk to me, I wasnt sure I could handle it and thankfully she didnt. I simply got my waffle and was able to leave.

I feel like I should be happy and hopeful that E and I are both on something which could potentially help us make our dreams come true but I just feel empty. Hollow. Apparently Amazon thinks I need some type of help as when I went to their website tonight in the “Recommended for You” section was a bunch of self help books. Made me feel so much better.

I plan on taking a bath tonight and getting in some good reading. Maybe that will help this horrible rut I am in… 

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Clomid for the hubs

Wow what a long morning! E had his appt at 10:10am and while I really wanted to go with him he said he really didn’t want me to go and I had meetings with work all morning so I stayed home. He left here early because he wasn’t sure where he was going but it turned out that it only took him 10 minutes to get there so he was there an hour early. Then, he waited in the waiting room for 45 minutes and then was brought back and waited in a patience room for another 30. The doctor finally came in and reviewed his blood work and semen analysis and then did his physical exam. He said there is no sign of varicocele and everything looks normal. 

He did think that his testosterone was too low and since they couldn’t put him on the typical treatment for low T because we are TTC, they put gave him the middle dose of Clomid and a list of vitamins/things to eat and drink:

1) Multivitamin with 50mg of Zinc

2) Vitamin E IU (400mg)

3) Vitamin C ( 500mg 2xday)

4) Acai berry supplement

5) Eat blueberries

6) Drink real pomegranate juice

7) Eat walnuts or pistachio nuts

We had a lot of the vitamins here but I have a little shopping list for this weekend to pick up. The only bummer is that we have to wait 4 months for a repeat SA and then a recheck. That is 4 full cycles essentially 😦 Oh well, guess there is nothing I can do about that.

Yesterday was my first day of taking the Metformin twice a day. I have been pretty lucky with   the Met and haven’t had the GI problems that a lot of women have so far and I saw fine yesterday but I woke up this morning with a serious tummy-ache.  The rest of the day I have been fine so it may have been a fluke, I guess a couple more days and I will be able to tell for sure what it is. 

I am so glad it is the weekend! Even though E will be gone for his brother’s graduation, I still dont have to work!!!


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One less thing to worry about

ImagePatience is not my strong suit… not by a long shot. I was getting really anxious about my blood work from last Thursday. I was under the impression that if things were “bad” they would call and if everything was fine they would just send me the results in the mail. Well I just couldn’t wait anymore! With some help from some encouraging people, I called. The front desk clerk sent my request back to my Dr’s nurses and I got a call back about 2 hours later… NO DIABETES!!!!! They said they consider a normal A1C to be under 120 and mine was 108 so while it is still a little on the high side (indicating probably PCOS) I am not diabetic. 

Talk about a relief! One less thing to think about, to worry about, to obsess about… 

I do have two liver enzymes that are slightly elevated and since Dr. L wants me to continue to use the Metformin for the PCOS, I need to go back in two months for another liver enzyme test. I can do that. In the meantime I am really looking forward to E’s appointment this Friday with the Urologist. I am hoping they do something for his low testosterone and schedules a repeat semen analysis soon. 

We are going on vacation in two weeks and I think it will be the perfect break we need. Relax, be by the pool, read, eat good food and just have some no-stress fun!

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Now PCOS/Diabetes??

ImageSo when we first started this venture with the doctor’s, my OBGYN suspected PCOS so we scheduled the blood tests and everything came back normal. That was great news to me since I know that can play a big role in things. 

Today was my check-up/follow-up and now I am in a state of numbness I think. Pelvic exam went well and everything physically looks ok. We started talking about next steps and she said that she still isnt convinced that I dont have PCOS and maybe diabetes… um, what? She said that she wanted to do more blood tests to be 100% but she is sure that I am. So I had blood drawn for that and a liver function test however she was so confident that she prescribed me Metformin to start immediately.

We also discussed charting and my lack of ability to sleep. She said that if I am not getting 3 hours of consistent sleep before waking up charting is not going to be very reliable so it was up to me whether I wanted to keep it up or not. 

She said we would talk more after E’s appointment next week. If they can fix his testosterone levels and do a repeat SA to see if his morphology has improved then we can get some help from my doctor on pinning down when I am ovulating. If the Urologist refer’s him to a fertility specialist then we will end up at the fertility clinic and that is a whole other ballpark.

So what do I do after all of this wonderful news? Eat cookies. I know I am seriously hurting myself but it is what I am doing… please don’t judge 😦

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“Day’s of sunshine are in store for you soon”

ImageThat was the fortune I got when I cracked open my fortune cookie tonight. I am hoping it is speaking more towards my mind, body and soul then it does to the actual weather out (since it has been raining for daaaaays!).

E and I had a stressful weekend. I really take atleast 50% of the blame. I have been a raging bitch lately and I am having a hard time letting stuff go. we stayed out some what late Friday night just hanging out with some neighbors and since AF came I knew I saw safe to take my hot bath and relax. I ended up getting in bed at 11:45… Dogs and husband were all dead asleep. I had told E that I REALLY wanted to sleep in on Saturday morning. That was all I wanted. One of my dogs has an internal clock that goes off at 6:15 every day because that is when I get up to start working during the week. So saturday morning, 6:15am, she wakes up (it actually worked out ok because I had to temp). Normally I can take her out of her pen and bring her into bed and she will go back to sleep for a couple hours. Well, that didnt happen. At 7am she jumped off them bed. I was going to let it slide, I would clean up whatever mess she made later but then E called her back up on the bed! So he was awake! She jumped back up and like 15 minutes later jumped down again. That isnt normal so she obviously really had to go out. E started calling her back up and I just threw the covers off and took her and woke the other three up and got them started for the day.

I got on the couch and laid there for another 3 hours while he just stayed in bed, sleeping away, all the while I am building up so much anxiety, hatred, sadness and anger watching the clock go by knowing he is sleeping and wanting so bad to be doing just that. For those of you who ask why didnt you just go back to sleep? Well, I would have if I could. I have a horrible time sleeping and am up almost every 2 hrs at night and once my feet hit the floor, unless I immediately get back into bed, there is no way I am able to fall back asleep. It’s awful. 

By the time he woke up I was too far gone to even be reasoned with, which pissed him off and his temper/attitude was in the shitter as well. That night we thought that going out to dinner would maybe help and it really didn’t. There were adorable babies and pregnant people everywhere… Even our waitress. At one point we were just eating, not talking and a woman, who was probably 8-9 months pregnant walked by our table, and E said “dang! did you see how big she is?!” I just looked at him and said “yes, every single pregnant woman I see. My mind somehow just knows to look in a certain direction and sure enough i’m staring at a pregnant woman. Today, it is unbelievably annoying.” He rolled his eyes and we just stayed quiet the rest of the night.

This afternoon was a little better and we decided to get Chinese food and I got that fortune cookie. I want so badly to believe that there are some happier days in our future. There is so much stress we are both feeling with uncertainties that it has us both pulled so tight. I have my follow up with my OBGYN this Thursday and am hoping for some more direction for me. We wont be able to do much with E until we head what the Urologist has to say next week but maybe we will have something to go on with him then too.

I am trying to stay positive but this weekend, I totally failed.

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Why does it seem that time absolutely creeps now? My day can feel like it went by in the blink of an eye but then I look at my chart and I realize… “I am only on CD5?! How is that even possible?!”

My cycles have been consistent lately, which is great, but they are so long! 38 days. So waiting until I am possibly ovulating again for that cycle is like torture! Not to mention waiting for the doctor appointments. When I am on the phone making them it seems like just around the corner. Two and a half weeks? No big deal, that is easy. Yea, wish I could stay that positive through out that two and a half weeks because it really isn’t that easy.