"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

“Day’s of sunshine are in store for you soon”

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ImageThat was the fortune I got when I cracked open my fortune cookie tonight. I am hoping it is speaking more towards my mind, body and soul then it does to the actual weather out (since it has been raining for daaaaays!).

E and I had a stressful weekend. I really take atleast 50% of the blame. I have been a raging bitch lately and I am having a hard time letting stuff go. we stayed out some what late Friday night just hanging out with some neighbors and since AF came I knew I saw safe to take my hot bath and relax. I ended up getting in bed at 11:45… Dogs and husband were all dead asleep. I had told E that I REALLY wanted to sleep in on Saturday morning. That was all I wanted. One of my dogs has an internal clock that goes off at 6:15 every day because that is when I get up to start working during the week. So saturday morning, 6:15am, she wakes up (it actually worked out ok because I had to temp). Normally I can take her out of her pen and bring her into bed and she will go back to sleep for a couple hours. Well, that didnt happen. At 7am she jumped off them bed. I was going to let it slide, I would clean up whatever mess she made later but then E called her back up on the bed! So he was awake! She jumped back up and like 15 minutes later jumped down again. That isnt normal so she obviously really had to go out. E started calling her back up and I just threw the covers off and took her and woke the other three up and got them started for the day.

I got on the couch and laid there for another 3 hours while he just stayed in bed, sleeping away, all the while I am building up so much anxiety, hatred, sadness and anger watching the clock go by knowing he is sleeping and wanting so bad to be doing just that. For those of you who ask why didnt you just go back to sleep? Well, I would have if I could. I have a horrible time sleeping and am up almost every 2 hrs at night and once my feet hit the floor, unless I immediately get back into bed, there is no way I am able to fall back asleep. It’s awful. 

By the time he woke up I was too far gone to even be reasoned with, which pissed him off and his temper/attitude was in the shitter as well. That night we thought that going out to dinner would maybe help and it really didn’t. There were adorable babies and pregnant people everywhere… Even our waitress. At one point we were just eating, not talking and a woman, who was probably 8-9 months pregnant walked by our table, and E said “dang! did you see how big she is?!” I just looked at him and said “yes, every single pregnant woman I see. My mind somehow just knows to look in a certain direction and sure enough i’m staring at a pregnant woman. Today, it is unbelievably annoying.” He rolled his eyes and we just stayed quiet the rest of the night.

This afternoon was a little better and we decided to get Chinese food and I got that fortune cookie. I want so badly to believe that there are some happier days in our future. There is so much stress we are both feeling with uncertainties that it has us both pulled so tight. I have my follow up with my OBGYN this Thursday and am hoping for some more direction for me. We wont be able to do much with E until we head what the Urologist has to say next week but maybe we will have something to go on with him then too.

I am trying to stay positive but this weekend, I totally failed.

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