"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Rambling

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This is going to be a post simply about nothing in particular, just a whole bunch of thoughts. 

E is gone for the weekend for his brother’s graduation so I am here alone. That’s fine. I am glad that he is with his brother but damn do I hate being inside my own head. 

Summer is here. Flowers are beautifully being displayed and trees are growing and producing leaves to provide shade and cover from the sun. This also means that the pool is open. I love laying out. Growing up in Florida, I lived outside at the beach and pool. Even when I was a cheerleader we would occasionally practice at the beach. Luckily the couple of neighbors I know also love laying out so we have been up there a couple times. Now, it is just a constant reminder of not having a child. There are beautiful little girls laughing and playing with mermaid barbies and adorable little boys running around the pool playing tag or playing marco polo. The moms and dads are lounging around watching their kids and I am sitting there with nothing to watch and so I feel like a creep watching the kids. Like somehow, because I don’t have a child, I shouldn’t be there. What a wonderful summer it is going to be.

I am sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Wallowing in my misery of being alone and childless. The crazy dog lady is what they will call me.

I went to go get my favorite waffles this morning and of coarse this adorable woman was infront of me… a kid on each arm and a perfect baby belly. Here it was, 8am, I look like total shit and here she is with her perfect children, perfect make-up, perfect hair and a glorious smile on her face. I wanted to tell her to fuck off. Which, I know, is totally unfair and ridiculous but it was how I felt. I just prayed that she wouldnt talk to me, I wasnt sure I could handle it and thankfully she didnt. I simply got my waffle and was able to leave.

I feel like I should be happy and hopeful that E and I are both on something which could potentially help us make our dreams come true but I just feel empty. Hollow. Apparently Amazon thinks I need some type of help as when I went to their website tonight in the “Recommended for You” section was a bunch of self help books. Made me feel so much better.

I plan on taking a bath tonight and getting in some good reading. Maybe that will help this horrible rut I am in… 

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