"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Feel like giving up

I didn’t know it could hurt this damn bad. I found out a good friend, the closest friend I have had since moving away from Georgia, is pregnant. They weren’t even trying and “it was an accident”. Great. Talk about a punch in the fucking gut. I was obviously visibly super excited for them and but holy shit. She told me right before our walk and just kinda shoved an ultrasound picture in front of my face. So the whole walk we talked about her being pregnant. It took everything in me to hold it together. By the time I reached my drive way I was crying, by the time I walked in the front door I was hysterical and I stayed like that the rest of the night. 

I called E at work and he couldn’t even understand me I was so upset. I just can’t believe it. She had been telling me that they weren’t going to start trying until next year. I was banking on that. Now, the only friend I have here is pregnant. Which means all of the adorable baby things and talking and questions are going to be right in my face since we live across the street from one another. 

Dont get me wrong. I am SO happy for them. Her husband wanted a baby so badly. She is 8 weeks along so we have a while but I pray that they have a happy and beyond healthy pregnancy. I am excited that I get to be so close to another little miracle I just wish that it didnt hurt so badly. It is a physical pain, I am so upset it physically hurts. I still have trouble this morning not crying and have allowed a few tears to escape.

I have got to pull myself together. I have the best company in the world coming this weekend. I get to see and cuddle the most adorable baby boy and my favorite little girl will be here. I am so blessed that they are driving all this way to stay with us for a weekend. I need to focus on that and the amazing time we are going to have.

Oh and another thing I need to be happier about is my weight loss. Down 18 pounds 🙂


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Try to look pretty…

Even moving out of state, away from my mother, there is just no getting away from how she makes me feels. 

First of all… Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s out there!

This is just going to be a catch up post I guess. I finally got my period! After 45 days, it finally showed up but now I am miserable. Holy hell do I feel like I am losing my body weight in blood. TMI, I know but damn. 

I am still doing well with the cleanse 🙂 I am on day 13 and have lost 13 pounds total! I am quite proud of myself and had some high hopes for working out more this week but I am not so sure how well that is going to work out with feeling so bloated and nasty. 

I am regretting telling my mom about the whole TTC and problem thing. Everytime I talk to her, all she can talk about is what is going on with it and asking questions and me losing as much weight as possible and yadda, yadda, yadda. I went to visit some of my second cousins that I haven’t seen in a while and I was on the phone talking to her and she says “well do me a favor and try to look pretty”… Really? If I don’t already feel like shit that just made me feel worse. Like I would go in a potato sac or something? WTF?! Believe me, I wore dark jeans and nice black top and did my make-up and I was overdressed for the situation. Comments like that just make me feel worthless and do absolutely zero to my self esteem. Oh well. I am working on “looking pretty” it just may take me a little bit to get there.

Everything else is going pretty well. Nothing much else to report on. E thinks that the clomid is starting to help him, atleast with the testosterone, so thats a plus.


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Still strong

Today is the start of day 5 of my “new lifestyle” and I have to say I am pretty impressed. I am 9lbs down as of this morning and I have only felt “deprived” once. Most of the time I am completely satisfied throughout the day. I do seriously miss carbs (specifically pasta!) but am doing pretty well. I even went out to lunch with a friend yesterday and wasnt tempted to stray from my program. I also feel like I have more energy which has been nice. I still have serious trouble sleeping but I am hoping that if I take some ambien or something this weekend I can catch up on the lack of sleep.

I am officially “late” – for whatever that means. I have long cycles (usually 36-38 days) so that in and of itself is annoying but when I go past the 38 days it seems to infuriate me. Like my cycles arent long enough?! I had sore boobs 2 days ago, so I thought AF was on her way but that seems to be gone now. Maybe I am missing a month? All I know is that I am annoyed with it! 

The Metformin seems to be working well with this new program also. I haven’t had any adverse effects with the exception of some tummy problems here or there but nothing too bad. E is still taking his Clomid and all of the other supplements that his Dr. wanted him to take. Being a trooper and eating and drinking the things the dr said to do also 🙂

The weekend is going to be a big test! I love going out to eat on the weekends… sometimes we go three times a day. Well that obviously can not happen so it is going to take some serious will power to stay on track but since I have seen pretty good results so far I am hoping it wont be too hard 😀


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Back to reality…

Wow. So much to update on. This may be a long post so a gold start for those who even attempt to read through it. 

Vacation was awesome! 6 days of relaxation and fun with a ton of food. Oh how I love food. We ate every type of everything and it was delicious. I also got some great sleep! Since I was 99.99% sure I am not pregnant I got to take a sleeping pill every night which meant that I slept through the night and didnt have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to take care of my 4 dogs (I really do love them so much!). It was great. Spent time at the pool and went to a couple theme parks (we went to Orlando, FL). The condo was beautiful and completely renovated and had a 4 person jacuzzi tub INSIDE!  

In other news I ended up making the split decision to tell my mother what was going on with the baby situation. We stopped by her place on our drive down to Orlando and her and I went out to dinner by ourselves. She proceeded to very happily ask when E and I were going to start “trying”. I couldn’t stand the pep in her voice and the smile on her face anymore. She asks almost every time we talk on the phone and its heartbreaking every time for me to tell her that ‘oh we aren’t really ready’, ‘we want to do xyz’ first’, ‘we want to have x amount of money saved’… there are only so many ways I can lie to her. So even though E and I said we weren’t going to tell anyone in our real lives, I just came out and said “well we have actually been trying for over a year”. After that awkward 5-10 seconds of silence I went into more details. She didn’t freak out but kept asking questions. Most of which I had answers to but she wanted to know what the final end game was <sigh> If I knew how to have a baby the fastest possible way with doctors sign off, I would have done it already! 

She ended the conversation with “well, I am glad you told me and keep me posted.” That was a week ago. Now instead of “when do you think you are going to start ‘trying'” I get, “have you and E taken your meds? Any side effects today? How are you feeling <insert overly sympathetic tone>.” I guess I should be nicer about it but I told her so she would leave me alone, not ride my ass even harder. Oh well. 

It is also not the smartest idea to go to the child capital of the world for vacation. I didnt really think that through. There were these adorable children EVERY in Orlando. I just couldn’t escape them. And the billboards down there are nuts. Every could of miles would either have a “Pregnant and alone? Call XXX-XXX-XXXX” or a picture of an adorable baby that say “My heart beat 18 days after conception.” Apparently FL is really pro-life but it was just another reminder on my very long drive there and back. 

I am not ready to go back to work tomorrow. I really could see myself as a housewife (as E completely rolls his eyes lol). I did not miss work one bit! We are about to go to a neighborhood cookout and it will be my last hoorah in terms of food for a while. I am starting a 30 day cleanse program tomorrow! I am excited and nervous about it all at once 🙂 I want to feel like me again and one part of that is loosing some of this weight and getting healthy again. Stop eating the shit I eat and start getting real and wholesome nutrition. I cleaned out my entire kitchen today and threw out so much junk and then went to the grocery store and started to buy the things I should have always been buying. This along with the 30 day program, I am hoping to see some good results in my body and my spirit! 

Wish me luck!!