"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Moving right along

It’s been a while since my last post. I guess nothing that I really wanted to discuss has happened. 

One of my best friends who I have posted about before, M, had a miscarriage a little over a week ago. It was heartbreaking for her and, silently, for me. I feel like I grieved over the loss of that baby. Her being pregnant gave me some form of hope. Hope that I could one day get pregnant. Hope to hold a newborn and shower it with love in the very near future. Hope to have a relationship with a child that I could love so dearly. For losing the baby she is doing remarkably well, in my opinion. I pray that as soon is she allowed to start trying again she has just as much ease getting pregnant the second time around as she did the first and that it results in a beautiful baby. She deserves it. 

I was able to get E’s semen analysis on the same day as my RE appointment which makes me really happy because I really wanted him to come with me to my appointment. We were trying to figure out how that was going to happen since this place is kind of far away and he didn’t want to miss two days of work. So now we only have to miss one and we kill two birds with one stone 😀 

I feel like the past two weeks or so have been lacking in the baby craziness. I got my period right on time with my past cycles now that I am off of the metformin and with M’s miscarriage… I don’t want to say that I have lost all hope but I am not sure how else to put how I am feeling. My mother called and told me she spoke to her OB about “my situation” and her OB told her that it is no big deal and I will be pregnant in no time. My mom was so excited to tell me that. I just wanted to cry. I know the statistics and I see this huge infertility community and the heartache we all suffer after all hearing something similar: ‘I have confidence that we will get you pregnant’ and then getting disappointed over and over again.

I am somewhat patiently waiting for my RE appointment on September 5th and in the mean time I am going to continue eating healthy, exercising and mentally preparing myself. I want to be down a total of at least 30lbs when I go and I think that is more than manageable. I think that it will show the doctor that I am committed and ready. I want this amazing gift of being a mother and will do anything to achieve it. I am determined.


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Feeling bitter lately

So my RE appointment is scheduled for September 5th. I asked that E take off from work that day so he can go with me for support but also so he wont have to make a second trip because I have a feeling the RE is going to want to run a bunch of stuff with him too and it would be easier to do us all in one fell swoop so we can both hear what the doctor has to say. I am also trying to get E to get his SA scheduled for that morning since he has to get it done sometime in September anyways for his follow-up with the urologist.

In weight-loss news, I am down 26lbs and I get to do all my measurements on Thursday. So that’s exciting. We are getting ready to go back to Atlanta to see family, friends and I have a work conference I was required to fly in for and it will be nice to look thinner and fit into my clothes so much better.

I have been feeling resentful/bitter lately for all these pregnant people. Yesterday I sat with a smile plastered on my face as M talked about how she wanted to arrange the nursery and all the ‘symptoms’ she is having. How she is so excited to go Thursday to her 12 week appointment and just how overall happy she is. She did complain a little which was even harder for me to take but I made it through and didnt even cry when I left. I just felt bitter. Not at her, by any means, but at everything. The other day we were walking and one of our neighbors called out “Hey momma! Hey skinny!” and I just cringed. I want to be the one people are calling momma. Silly? Totally.

I am currently on CD34 and my boobs are super sore and my face looks as if someone through hot oil all over it it is so gross. I have no sign of AF so what do I do? I test. I knew it was going to be negative and I didn’t even think twice when I threw the negative test in the trash but still. I still had that one tiny little glimmer of hope that it could maybe, somehow be positive.

If only it was easy as pushing a button…

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Officially Infertile

This morning I was told that my regular OB-GYN no longer felt comfortable treating me and would like me to be referred to a RE. The official sign of infertility. No longer, ‘maybe’, shit just got real.

I had my bloodwork for my liver function yesterday and the results came back with my liver enzymes borderline elevated so I was told to stop the metformin immediately. I am guessing this is a good thing because while she thought I had PCOS she wasn’t 100% and I wasn’t diabetic so I am totally ok not being on that anymore and it wasn’t like it was helping my cycles (the last one was 45 days!).

Additionally, she wasn’t comfortable starting me on clomid until I lost weight so I told her that I am down 20lbs but she said that she still wasnt comfortable and with everything else going on she felt better if I went to a RE for further testing and assistance. So… they should be sending my referral over the the RE and I should hear from them in about a week to schedule an appt.

I am not sure how to take all this. Should I be happy that I will be going to someone who is more equipped to getting my dreams to come true? Yes. Am I sad that the reality of the ‘maybe I am, maybe I’m not” is no longer a question and I really truly am inducted into the infertile club? Yes.

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Here is to hearing from the RE office as soon as possible to get this next chapter rolling.


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Why can’t there be only good news?

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Good news: I have lost 19.2 lbs and a total of 26.75 inches during my 30 day program! And that is without being able to do a two day cleanse last week in order to prepare for my blood work next week for my liver function. Also I think I hit a bit of a plateau with the weightloss so I ordered some stuff which are suppose to help. It came tonight and I am going to make it on Sunday 😀

Kind of upsetting news: I got my blood results back on whether or not I ovulated and the answer was no 😦  I asked the nurse if I could come back in this coming week to redo the test to see if I just ovulated late since my cycles are a little stronger than normal but she said it doesnt work like that. So I asked her to consult with my doctor to possibly put me on Clomid. I do not want to wait until September to get E’s results and then try to figure out if/how I am ovulating. Hopefully I will hear back from her on Monday ::fingers crossed::