"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Feeling bitter lately

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So my RE appointment is scheduled for September 5th. I asked that E take off from work that day so he can go with me for support but also so he wont have to make a second trip because I have a feeling the RE is going to want to run a bunch of stuff with him too and it would be easier to do us all in one fell swoop so we can both hear what the doctor has to say. I am also trying to get E to get his SA scheduled for that morning since he has to get it done sometime in September anyways for his follow-up with the urologist.

In weight-loss news, I am down 26lbs and I get to do all my measurements on Thursday. So that’s exciting. We are getting ready to go back to Atlanta to see family, friends and I have a work conference I was required to fly in for and it will be nice to look thinner and fit into my clothes so much better.

I have been feeling resentful/bitter lately for all these pregnant people. Yesterday I sat with a smile plastered on my face as M talked about how she wanted to arrange the nursery and all the ‘symptoms’ she is having. How she is so excited to go Thursday to her 12 week appointment and just how overall happy she is. She did complain a little which was even harder for me to take but I made it through and didnt even cry when I left. I just felt bitter. Not at her, by any means, but at everything. The other day we were walking and one of our neighbors called out “Hey momma! Hey skinny!” and I just cringed. I want to be the one people are calling momma. Silly? Totally.

I am currently on CD34 and my boobs are super sore and my face looks as if someone through hot oil all over it it is so gross. I have no sign of AF so what do I do? I test. I knew it was going to be negative and I didn’t even think twice when I threw the negative test in the trash but still. I still had that one tiny little glimmer of hope that it could maybe, somehow be positive.

If only it was easy as pushing a button…


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