"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Sadness over my boy

Our old boy is not good. After the first round of blood work and antibiotics he stopped eating his food altogether so I have been making him anything that he will eat which hasnt been much. I took him back to the vet on Monday for follow-up blood work and since he wasn’t doing any better she decided to do x-rays. She found a mass in his stomach and the follow up blood work showed no progress and a little decline.

Off to the Internal Medicine Specialist we go this morning. They did an ultrasound and found multiple tumors in his stomach, liver and spleen. They suspect a white cell cancer like lymphoma. Dogs with this type of cancer who go through chemo have a 10-15% chance of living a year longer and with how advanced my boy’s cancer is she gave him a much lower percentage. They said that there are meds we can give him which can make him comfortable for the next couple weeks until the cancer takes over. Right now he does not appear to be in any pain so once he does we will have to make that beyond difficult call but for now, we will let him eat whatever he wants and spoil him rotten.


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Perspective

We are exactly two weeks till our RE appointment. Just two more weeks. My 10 days of clot/spotting turned into a full blown AF on sunday so I am enjoying the grossness that comes along with all of that. The only good thing about that is that I will be able to start my next cycle after the RE appointment sooner than originally planned. I am sure that will just mean more testing but I wont have to wait a crazy long time, just a regular long time ;).

We have 4 dogs who I consider to be my children. They are a part of me and I love them dearly. I will say that I “like” some more than others but they are all mine and are all spoiled rotten. I call them my babies and E and I refer to eachother as ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ when talking to them. One of our oldest is sick and it may be cancer. He has stopped eating in the morning and has some serious GI problems. He has become pretty listless and doesnt have the same spunk as he use to. 

We took him to the vet and she ran a whole slew of blood work. It came back that he was losing blood and a fairly large amount. His red blood cell count came back at 29% and she said that they do emergency transfusions at 20% 😦 Since he isnt throwing blood up or pooping it out he is obviously loosing it internally. He also has a serious infection. She put him on an antibiotic and something to help soothe his stomach so maybe he would eat but so far he is no better. Our next steps would be an ultrasound of his belly to see where the blood is going. This is really E’s dog and he is taking it especially hard.

Seeing him continue to deteriorate has been somewhat eye opening in the form of  the fact that I may not have been paying as much attention to the “babies” I have because of the baby I want to carry in my belly and hold in my arms. Two of my furkids are well into their mature ages and now one of them also may have cancer and we may be putting him down in the near future. I need to look more at what I have and the overflowing love that these adorable animals give me. They are amazing little creatures and know nothing but love when it comes to me. I get showered with kisses and they always want to be in my lap or just simply be in the same room with me when they have an extra 3200 square feet of house they could lounge in.

I need to remember to not lose the things I have over something that I have yet to obtain. If you have some extra good thoughts to spare, please send them to my sick boy. We both could use it.


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Am I normal?

I use to live in Atlanta and one of my favorite morning radio shows use to have a segment called “Am I normal?” People would call up and state something odd, random or unusual that they do and the morning show would tell them whether they think that behavior was normal. It was hilarious. 

Last night I found myself in a situation where I was asking myself just that…

It rained all day yesterday and being someone who works from home, there are few times where I actually want to be home on the days I am not working. I went out shopping all day and made a nice dent in my Hanukkah shopping (go me!) and found some new jeans in a smaller size since almost all of my jeans dont fit anytmore (I am not sure if I have mentioned it here but I am down 32lbs!). When E came home from work he quickly changed and we went to dinner. Afterwards I still wasnt ready to go home so we went to walk around Lowe’s.

We bought our second house, the one we are living in now, last year and are renting out our first house in ATL. Our current house is 3 times as big as our first one and as such I have one entire bedroom upstairs that has ZERO furniture in it. Absolutely nothing. There are some items in the closet but that’s it. That is going to be my baby’s room. E sometimes gets  frustrated that I won’t put any furniture in that room, that it is just some empty space, but I feel that if I put furniture in it I would somehow be giving up on trying to have a baby. That if we make that room into anything other than a nursery I am moving on and losing even more hope. That my dream of being a mom is slipping further and further away. 

So, now comes that “am I normal” question; as we were walking through Lowe’s we stopped at the paint section. There are so many rooms in this place that I still want to paint and as I was browsing I started looking at the children room colors. I started pulling swatches of colors I would want to paint the nursery and just envisioning. E came up behind me and asked what room I would want those colors in and when I told him he said ‘ok, well bring them home and put them up in the room. Just so we can see what looks good.’ That was NOT the reaction I was expecting so I quickly put the swatches in my purse and we went about the rest of our browsing. 

When we got home, I couldn’t wait to tape the paint swatches up in my “nursery”. After they were all up I stood back and really contemplated which ones I liked and would chose. Then got hit with the ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ thought. Am I really contemplating paint colors when I am STILL bleeding and feel that something is actually wrong with me? I haven’t even been to my first RE appointment. What if they tell me we can’t have children? It is one of the main reasons I have bought absolutely NOTHING for a baby to stay at the house. I dont want to have to look at it and be upset. Now I have paint swatches up? Really? So the moment ended with shaking my head, turning off the light and asking myself… Am I normal or absolutely crazy? 


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Cool breezes and happy thoughts

This week has been difficult with my morning walks and when I say difficult, I mean I have not been going. My alarm goes off at the same time, I get up, go to the bathroom and instead of putting my yoga pants on and taking care of the dogs then heading out the door for my walk I get right back in bed for the next twenty minutes. I have been so tired and have had so little motivation. Every day I have been beating myself up for not going in the morning. 

This morning wasn’t so different. I still really did not want to go. I got up, went to the bathroom and laid back down but was only there about 30 seconds when one of the pups started crying so I got up and got all the dogs out. I stepped outside and was hit with the most amazing weather. It has been SO hot here and I have been hoping that we would get a taste of fall. This morning was 63 degrees with a small breeze. It felt amazing. Even though I was running a little late, I quickly fed the dogs, put my sneakers on, stretched and left the house. My walk was awesome. The weather was just perfect. I enjoyed every second of it. It gave me a sense of euphoria and had me thinking about what it would be like to have a baby during the fall and all the holidays around that time of year. I didn’t get sad, it was all just hope and the thought of how happy I would be. 

I have dreams of the weather staying this way but its only suppose to for a couple days and then we will go back to the warm weather but you better believe I am going to enjoy every second of it while it lasts until it actually becomes Fall. 🙂

In other news, I am still spotting… I am either on CD 6 or CD 27. I am still confused as to if I should have started over counting so I am just going to continue with both until something happens. It’s frustrating.


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So confused

Both my mind and my body are completely confused and I am not a fan of the unknown. This is just going to be a partially gross post, just FYI. 

Thursday I had some EWCM with some brown spotting in it. I secretly hoped it was implantation bleeding. Timing would have been right except for the fact that I have had consistent negative OPK’s. After having that brief glimmer of hope I dismissed it because, really, what luck have I had lately? Fast forward to Saturday where I passed the biggest clot I had ever seen. It actually fell out of me when going to the bathroom. It was huge and I was only on CD22. I NEVER have mid-cycle bleeding and now I am seeing the biggest clot of my life!? I know it’s disgusting but I retrieved said clot and took a picture of it to show the RE. Today is Tuesday and I am still spotting but other than the clot I haven’t had any noticeable bleeding so I am still confused as to if I should count Saturday as CD1 or continue counting with the previous cycle. My body is confused as to what is going on with all this spotting and my head is about to explode from trying to figure out what the fuck is happening. 

Other than that I am frustrated that the new jeans I ordered are still too small for me to feel comfortable in. I can get them on but they give me a nice little muffin top. I can still wear them with some shirts because you wont be able to tell but it still sucks that I am apparently in between sizes. Day 75 weigh-in and measurements are this Friday. We will see what they say…

23 days till the RE appointment. Can’t get here soon enough!


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Three years and counting

Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary. At this very moment I was sitting in the salon watching my two best friends get their make-up done and waiting my turn. I can’t believe it has been three years. Where on earth has the time gone?

E had beautiful lavender roses delivered to me today and while we don’t have anything special planned, I am making a nice meatloaf dinner and we will probably go for a walk together when we are done eating. I did get him a little pint of his favorite ice cream though 🙂 

It is hard to imagine my life without the man of my dreams. Next month will mark 11 years together and I only see more wonderful years to come. While I imagined we would have started a family by now, I can only hope and pray that one day soon that dream will come true too, because finding him was my first dream come true.


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Paperwork is in the mail

Today was spent filling out the enormous stack of paperwork that my RE’s office sent me to complete before my appointment on September 5th. Wow do they want a lot of information! When did I first notice pubic hair? Hair under my arms? I have NO idea. I obviously remember when I got my period so I just made educated guesses… hope that is ok. How did my mother’s mother’s mother die? Really? We need to go THAT far back?! I was definitely glad that I had told my mom about all this because it made filling the family history part out a little easier. Since we still haven’t told E’s family a lot of his family history is iffy. We got most of it (what I think are the important most immediate family) but not all.

There was a sense of completion when I sealed that envelope and placed it in my mailbox with that bright and shiny red flag indicating that there is a new piece of mail for my mail lady to pick up tomorrow.

I plan on calling the RE’s office tomorrow or Tuesday and asking them when I can get all of our test/results sent over so they have everything for my appointment in a couple weeks.

Overall, a productive Sunday.


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My husband’s pain

I hate to see the man of my dreams hurting. He is some-what of a closed off male and has been like that for the 10+ years we have been together but there are brief moments where he says something or lets his outside shell break down and show his actual emotions. Today was one of those days and my heart is just breaking for him… for us. 

Our good friends back home had their baby today. E considers D his best friend and while I am close to his wife, C, idk if I put her in the best friend category. Regardless, when we went back home a couple weeks ago I went all out with the baby gifts for them. She has wanted a child for a little while and she is finally getting that. I am very very happy for them. 

I got the text from D this morning with a picture of a beautiful baby boy. Perfect in every way. Healthy weight, height and all other great things. I texted D back and told him how happy we were for them, that we love them all and to kiss mom and baby for me. I didn’t cry. I was so happy for them but the pain in my heart I feel every day did get a bit stronger but nothing unbearable. Then E texted me about two hours later:

I am really happy for D and C but at the same time sad that we don’t have that kind of joy. Sad to the point where I want to cancel our plans for tomorrow.”

Que the water-works. It is a crazy hard emotion to process: being happy for someone while feeling devastated for yourself.  I didn’t know exactly what to say so I just said:

I know, I am happy for them too but it’s heartbreaking we don’t have that yet either. We are working towards being able to have it and we WILL have a beautiful son or daughter. I believe that. We can’t put our lives on hold because we don’t though. Tomorrow will be good for us.

I didn’t know what else to say. I feel when he breaks down and shows me some kind of emotion other than this big burly man who can concur the world I need to be strong and try to bring him back up. I wish I could give us a child and have it be as easy as heading upstairs on a drunken night to screw each other’s brains out.  For us, it’s not that easy and I so wish it were. 

I am really hoping that we will still go out tomorrow. We have plans to go tubing with some new friends in the neighborhood and I do think it will be good for us.