"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

My husband’s pain

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I hate to see the man of my dreams hurting. He is some-what of a closed off male and has been like that for the 10+ years we have been together but there are brief moments where he says something or lets his outside shell break down and show his actual emotions. Today was one of those days and my heart is just breaking for him… for us. 

Our good friends back home had their baby today. E considers D his best friend and while I am close to his wife, C, idk if I put her in the best friend category. Regardless, when we went back home a couple weeks ago I went all out with the baby gifts for them. She has wanted a child for a little while and she is finally getting that. I am very very happy for them. 

I got the text from D this morning with a picture of a beautiful baby boy. Perfect in every way. Healthy weight, height and all other great things. I texted D back and told him how happy we were for them, that we love them all and to kiss mom and baby for me. I didn’t cry. I was so happy for them but the pain in my heart I feel every day did get a bit stronger but nothing unbearable. Then E texted me about two hours later:

I am really happy for D and C but at the same time sad that we don’t have that kind of joy. Sad to the point where I want to cancel our plans for tomorrow.”

Que the water-works. It is a crazy hard emotion to process: being happy for someone while feeling devastated for yourself.  I didn’t know exactly what to say so I just said:

I know, I am happy for them too but it’s heartbreaking we don’t have that yet either. We are working towards being able to have it and we WILL have a beautiful son or daughter. I believe that. We can’t put our lives on hold because we don’t though. Tomorrow will be good for us.

I didn’t know what else to say. I feel when he breaks down and shows me some kind of emotion other than this big burly man who can concur the world I need to be strong and try to bring him back up. I wish I could give us a child and have it be as easy as heading upstairs on a drunken night to screw each other’s brains out.  For us, it’s not that easy and I so wish it were. 

I am really hoping that we will still go out tomorrow. We have plans to go tubing with some new friends in the neighborhood and I do think it will be good for us.


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