"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Am I normal?


I use to live in Atlanta and one of my favorite morning radio shows use to have a segment called “Am I normal?” People would call up and state something odd, random or unusual that they do and the morning show would tell them whether they think that behavior was normal. It was hilarious. 

Last night I found myself in a situation where I was asking myself just that…

It rained all day yesterday and being someone who works from home, there are few times where I actually want to be home on the days I am not working. I went out shopping all day and made a nice dent in my Hanukkah shopping (go me!) and found some new jeans in a smaller size since almost all of my jeans dont fit anytmore (I am not sure if I have mentioned it here but I am down 32lbs!). When E came home from work he quickly changed and we went to dinner. Afterwards I still wasnt ready to go home so we went to walk around Lowe’s.

We bought our second house, the one we are living in now, last year and are renting out our first house in ATL. Our current house is 3 times as big as our first one and as such I have one entire bedroom upstairs that has ZERO furniture in it. Absolutely nothing. There are some items in the closet but that’s it. That is going to be my baby’s room. E sometimes gets  frustrated that I won’t put any furniture in that room, that it is just some empty space, but I feel that if I put furniture in it I would somehow be giving up on trying to have a baby. That if we make that room into anything other than a nursery I am moving on and losing even more hope. That my dream of being a mom is slipping further and further away. 

So, now comes that “am I normal” question; as we were walking through Lowe’s we stopped at the paint section. There are so many rooms in this place that I still want to paint and as I was browsing I started looking at the children room colors. I started pulling swatches of colors I would want to paint the nursery and just envisioning. E came up behind me and asked what room I would want those colors in and when I told him he said ‘ok, well bring them home and put them up in the room. Just so we can see what looks good.’ That was NOT the reaction I was expecting so I quickly put the swatches in my purse and we went about the rest of our browsing. 

When we got home, I couldn’t wait to tape the paint swatches up in my “nursery”. After they were all up I stood back and really contemplated which ones I liked and would chose. Then got hit with the ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ thought. Am I really contemplating paint colors when I am STILL bleeding and feel that something is actually wrong with me? I haven’t even been to my first RE appointment. What if they tell me we can’t have children? It is one of the main reasons I have bought absolutely NOTHING for a baby to stay at the house. I dont want to have to look at it and be upset. Now I have paint swatches up? Really? So the moment ended with shaking my head, turning off the light and asking myself… Am I normal or absolutely crazy? 

9 thoughts on “Am I normal?

  1. If you are crazy, so am I. You should see my secret pinterest board with all the baby stuff I’d like to buy.

  2. Hope clings to the faintest thread of possibility. You are not crazy. Or of you are, so is nearly every other woman trying to get pregnant. Not to mention, you have no idea what the doctor is going to say. Or if it is bad news, if he’ll be right. Keep dreaming! Hugs!

  3. I agree… Totally normal or perhaps just as bat shit crazy as the rest of us. When we started TTC we moved to a 2-bedroom apartment, you know since we were gonna need that extra room soon. Almost 4 years later its still mostly storage. I do have baby stuff in a drawer since I buy something each cycle and I had gotten a lot of stuff for the twins. I also have a private Pinterest board full of pregnancy,baby and parenting related stuff. I seriously doubt that the RE is going to tell you there is no hope. This is your subconscious way of being hopeful before your defeated rational self has time to think about it. Enjoy considering the swatches and thinking about the possibilities. I wouldn’t make any decisions or actually paint the room yet. But that’s just me.

    • I definitely agree… absolutely no commitments but it is kinda cool looking at the colors. Who knows, by the time we actually do great pregnant I may change my mind on what I like. That could be a couple years from now. I am totally fine with being bat shit crazy, I have no problem with that 😉 It is so nice to know that I am not the only one out there feeling this way. Thanks hun!

  4. Totally normal. It’s all part of the hope-no hope cycle. I, too, have a private Pinterest board for baby stuff. I bookmark articles on pregnancy, birth plans, breastfeeding, bringing baby to work, nurseries, even parenting articles. We rent, so we can’t paint, but I do plan in my head where we will place the crib, changing table, etc, and where we’ll store all those diapers. I try not to get down on myself for doing it, even when I’m my most pessimistic. It’s just something my brain needs to do.

    • It is just one of those things that happens I guess. I am told I’m a complete pessimist… but even I have these wonderful hopes and dreams of becoming a mom. I have my days/moments where I feel like it wont happen but in the end I still have to believe it will. It is the only thing that is keeping me going sometimes.

  5. Also guilty of a private Pinterest board!!

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