"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Fear, nervous, anxious


2 days… 8 and a half weeks worth of waiting and we are down to 2 days. There is only 48 hours that stand between me and my first RE appointment. It’s finally here. A step in a new direction, another chance for hope. So, why do I feel like I am going to puke all over my desk from the butterflies in my stomach?!

This holiday weekend some friends from out of state came to visit us with their 4 week old son. I was worried about how I was going to be around them. How I was going to feel having such a small baby that I had never met before be in my house and in my arms for such an extended period of time. All in all it was ok. I really didn’t get upset or feel sorry for myself until after they left which I thought was pretty damn good. It was nice to feed, snuggle, hold, console and just love on a baby, even if he wasn’t mine. 

The only thing that kept getting to me was how the mother acted. Now, granted, her having this baby was essentially her first interaction EVER with a child. The first time she held a baby was 8 months prior to her giving birth. So there is that caveat however she was everything that I fear I will be when I have a child. She was high strung and all over the place. I could tell that she hadn’t found the rhythm of what the baby wanted so her go to solution was ‘he must be hungry.’  Only being with him for 48 hours I could tell that wasnt always what he wanted. Half the time he just sat there with the bottle in his mouth not eating. But what do I know, I dont have kids. She only lost it once while she was here but I could see the anxiety boiling up before it happened and tried really hard to calm her down. I am so nervous that my anxiety will get the best of me when it is actually my child crying and needing something and I cant figure out what it is. It has made me nervous just thinking about it. 

The timing of all of this just kind of sucks. My old boy is getting worse by the day and while we thought we may have a couple weeks left with him I am worried we may not be able to make it till this weekend. Both my husband and I are heartbroken and for our appointment to be on Thursday and E having to go in to give a semen sample I just hope that he is able to ‘perform’ with everything else going on. 

I have waited for so long for this appointment and the last thing I thought I would feel would be what I am feeling; anxious for the appointment to be here, fear of the unknown plan that lays ahead of us, nervous for what the RE may say…

5 thoughts on “Fear, nervous, anxious

  1. I know this may be minor consolation, but I often discovered that the meetings were not nearly as big of a deal as I had built them up in my mind. You often get a game plan. Tests are ordered. Then more waiting. I’m so excited for what you will find out! Still try to take it easy and rest 🙂

    • Thanks! I am excited too… so many emotions over one day, it’s so crazy! I kind of hope that it is all that the appointment will be – easy, straightforward and non-complex 🙂 Can’t wait to report in 😀

  2. I agree– you’ll get a game plan and that will be a good thing!

  3. Pingback: 10 Things That Make Me Anxious | Winston Scrooge

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