I have never wanted my period to start so much in my entire life. I am only on CD24 but every time I go to the bathroom I anxiously await to see if it has started… talk about a lunatic.
Since I dont have a normal cycle I have been mapping out when I could possibly start and when I could maybe trigger. I have a huge client presentation on October 15th that there is no way I can miss so I am hoping and praying that it somehow misses that day. Any other day for the IUI but that one.
E and I also had a conversation the other day about me being so pessimistic. I am that pain in the ass person who comments about the worst possible outcome as the first thing out of my mouth. I think that same way for all of this infertility bullshit. Whenever I talk about getting pregnant I always say “if/when I get pregnant…” or “when I get pregnant, if I am blessed enough to ever get pregnant…” I don’t do it to get peoples sympathy, especially because no one knows about our IF issues, I believe it is some type of coping mechanism in order for me not to get my hopes up. To keep my hope in check. Why should I do that? Don’t I deserve to hope?
E finally got tired of it and told me that when we talk about babies/pregnancy I am not allowed to say it to him. He said that it pisses him off that I have doubt that it will happen. That if I want to think that, that’s fine but not to voice it to him because it stresses him out. I originally took that as he just didnt care about how I feel but when I actually thought about it I really do need to allow myself to be a little more hopeful.
I know that first time IUI’s aren’t common and that there are a multitude of things that could go wrong for the cycle to be cancelled. I have been dwelling on that. Every night as I lay in bed I think about everything that could derail this upcoming cycle. However, the majority of these things are out of my control. I can have hope and I need to allow myself to feel it.
I have started googling first time IUI success stories and reading other people’s joy has aided in me feeling more positive. It CAN happen. It may not happen for me, but it can. I feel to focus on that. Focus on the 20ish% chance that it could happen. The doctor was surprised when I asked him how many times we would do IUI before moving to IVF, before even starting this whole process but that is how I was planning. I wasn’t giving IUI a chance.
I am going to try my best to focus on the here and now. There are things I can not change and I am going to try to let those things go. They are out of my hands. I can control my behavior and my attitude and that is what I am going to try to do!