"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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The right thing to say

It has been no secret that I have struggled a great deal with remaining hopeful through infertility. I still believe that it’s a way for me to soften the blow when I get a BFN each month. With the failure of this last IUI, moving into the next cycle has me in a mix of emotions. 

I do have hope in the sense that so many women I have heard from say that Femara is their miracle drug and they got pregnant the first month on it after taking clomid. Maybe that will be me and I will get to write that Femara was my miracle drug as well. On the other hand I am already thinking ahead to IVF and planning on trying not to go more than 3 rounds of IUI before moving forward. That doesn’t sound to hopeful to me. 

One of you lovely ladies told me that each round I need to go into holding on to the fact that this is the start of a potential new life and that that baby deserves all your time, attention and love. I need to get back to focusing on this cycle. To this potential new life. 

Yesterday a friend who has gone through IF and now has the most adorable little boy said this to me: 

It’s okay if it hurts too much right now to have hope. Because, even when you lose hope, I’ll still be here holding onto it for you. That’s what friendship is all about.

It made me cry. That was the most perfect thing to say and I didn’t even have a good response. Today is a new day and I am refocusing on my priorities. Back to living in the moment and stop planning ahead. 

I have also been feeling guilty about talking about IF so much to the few people who do actually know about what is going on. These individuals have given me no reason to feel that way and when I expressed my guilt they adamantly and feverishly told me that I was being crazy (in the sweetest way ;)) and that they were here for me through anything. I have amazing people in my life and I am so grateful 🙂


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Start of IUI #2

5:30 this morning as the alarm went off all I could think of was; “please no active cysts…. please no active cysts… please let me be able to do another cycle without taking a break.”

By 5:50 I was in the car and by 6:30 I was walking into the hospital preparing for bad news but hoping for good. For some reason I thought it would be the same protocol as last time with a baseline u/s and bloodwork but when I got there and the nurse asked me if I was in for good news or not so good news (I didn’t get a chance to give them a heads up as to the reason I was coming in because of when AF arrived) and I told her not so good news she said she would be right back to ready my chart. 

I took a seat in a new little waiting room that I didn’t even knew existed in this place (it is a serious maze) and waited eagerly for her return. I get so nervous when I walk into that office regardless of the reason that I am there. She came back and handed me my blood sticker (that’s what I call it atleast… it is a sticker with the blood work that the lab needs to perform. I take it to said lab and hand her my sticker and it magically gets completed) and told me to head to the lab. Then I got really nervous! Wait, no ultrasound?! Do you even have hope that I didn’t produce cysts and can move forward?! 

She calmly explained that since we did the baseline last cycle that it shouldn’t tell us anything we don’t already know and the E2 levels will let us know if I have any active cysts that would prevent us from doing this cycle. Ok, crisis averted. Plus, that saves me some money! Those ultrasounds can get expensive… 

So after all that I just got the call that my E2 levels look good and I can proceed with IUI #2 🙂 Great news! I am to take Femara (5mg) for 5 days and then come back for a follicle and E2 check next monday. 

The only negative is that the pharmacy called and while insurance will pay for the Femara, they need a doctors note explicitly saying that I MUST take the medication. This could take 3-4 days to process which is time that I do not have. So I am going to be paying out of pocket, which isn’t so bad but it is definitely a bit more expensive than the Clomid, and then having them do the paperwork at the same time. Hopefully they will be able to reimburse me some money as long as all the I’s are dotted and T’s are crossed. 

I am just happy that I can move forward. Leave this failed cycle behind us and keep on movin… maybe this month will be OUR month 🙂


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Enough wallowing

I let myself wallow after Friday’s BFN. It felt good to be justified in my sadness. It wasn’t me being pessimistic, it was me feeling sad and angry at another failed cycle. No one could tell me to be hopeful because about 3 hours after the test AF showed up. There wasn’t any “it’s not over until the witch shows” business. It was over. Another cycle down the drain.

Friday I stuffed my face with whatever I wanted, used an illuminating face mask, took a steaming hot bath and two sleeping pills. It was a wonderful night to just relax and sleep without any dreams. Saturday E and I spent the day together running errands and relaxing and then spending the afternoon and evening with some friends watching football and continuing to stuff ourselves.

I am trying to think of the positive things – going into this cycle with a more optimistic outlook. I learned a couple of things; Since AF arrived exactly 14 DPIUI I know for sure I ovulated and we timed the IUI perfectly. My luteal phase is the appropriate length and I am producing enough progesterone on my own. All good things. Each failed cycle does bring me more information about my body and how it is working and I need to be thankful for that.

Next steps; first thing monday morning it’s back to the RE’s office for my ultrasound and E2 levels. I am praying that I did not develop any cyst’s that will hinder this cycle from moving forward. If all looks good, I will be starting on Femara 5mg Monday night. I am hopeful that I will respond better with the Femara then I did with the clomid and that this cycle will be the one that gives me those two beautiful lines.


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14DPIUI and BFN

BFN again this morning 😦 I didn’t really have hope that the test would change between Wednesday and today but it still squeezes my heart to see another negative. 

I am going to let myself wallow for today. I think I deserve it. Then, hopefully AF will show up tomorrow and we can start this whole fucking process over again. 

I tried to tell E to not get his hopes up because I feel 100% normal and I didn’t want him to just *know* it worked when I *knew* it didn’t. We woke up at the same time this morning; I went and peed in my designated cup, dipped both a FRER and a wondfo (since there is debate over which one is more sensitive, I wanted to have all my bases covered) and got back in bed and watched the clock. We didn’t say a word to each other during those 5 minutes. Just laid in the darkness with the air of hope around us. I got up, looked at the tests, turned them every which way hoping to see some semblance of a line. Zilch, nada, nothing. Another stark white negative staring me back in the face. 

Into the trash they went and when I walked out of the bathroom E was staring at me expectantly. I just said ‘they were negative’. He rolled back on his back and didn’t say anything… So I got the dogs up and went down to my work desk to start the work day. I didn’t cry. Not until he came downstairs and pulled me into a huge, wordless hug. He just held me and let me cry. He is so amazing and I feel so badly that I can’t make this happen for us. I feel as if it is all my fault even though logically I know it’s not. 

I am trying to let my logical brain beat out my emotional one. This was essentially the first cycle that everything went right; I produced a follicle, had an injection to trigger ovulation (which I am pretty sure occurred), E had good numbers and the nurse said our timing was awesome based on my CM when we did the IUI. It is a good chance that this is the first time I ever ovulated in the last 10 years. Logically I know I should think of this as my “first time trying” but it doesn’t feel that way. It FEELS like this is my 30th failed cycle. 

Last night I opened my 5th bottle of prenatal vitamins. That is 32 months worth or 3.5 pregnancy’s worth of vitamins consumed. That just sucks.

Today I am going to let myself feel this and tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the start of a new cycle!!


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10DPIUI and just randomness

Today is 10DPIUI. What a fucking whirlwind of things I have been feeling. One second thinking it worked the next just *knowing* it didn’t. I have been symptom spotting like MAD which is so bad and does nothing but hurt my spirit more but I just can’t stop. 

My “symptoms” have all but gone away from around 7DPIUI (the day with my strongest symptoms).

1DPIUI – cramping

2-3DPIUI – nothing to note

4DPIUI – mild tender breasts, slight twinges

5DPIUI – mild tender breasts, bloating, gassy, twinges

6DPIUI – tender breasts, gassy, fatigue, PM nausea, glob of creamy CM

7DPIUI – extreme tender breasts, threw up my lunch due to nausea, glob of creamy CM, twinges

8DPIUI – mild tender breasts, mild cramps, queasy, bloated

9DPIUI – mild tender breasts, 2hrs on/off sharp stabbing cramps on lower left side, queasy, diarrhea, bloated

10DPIUI – (so far) mild tender breasts, queasy

I know you can’t go by any of the above but I just don’t feel it. I had a brief bout of hope yesterday thinking that the sharp localized on/off cramps was implantation but that optimism was brief, at best. These 2 weeks seem like FOR.EV.ER! E is going nutty asking me what I think and when I tell him that I don’t think it worked he gets mad and tells me that it is my body and I am the one who needs to be positive. Well, sorry hunny I just can’t bring myself to feel that way. Every night I lay in bed and put my hand on my stomach and send a silent prayer. I then try to visualize sperm meeting egg, all the cells growing and then burrowing into my uterus and growing long and strong. Every night I do this regardless of what I am feeling. I don’t know if I do it because I am hoping it changes my mind around or it is the power of wishful thinking. During those moments I am wishful. I actually see it happening in my body. It’s wonderful but then I take my hand away, roll over and all that goes away. It is an exhausting routine. 

These next 4 days are going to be hell… how do people do this over and over again. When we were just TTC via the good ‘ol baby making way, the 2ww wasnt NEARLY as bad for me. This round I KNEW I ovulated, I KNEW that E had good sperm and that we timed it pretty dang good – all that gave me a hope I don’t think I have felt since we first started trying almost 3 years ago. I have read some women going threw upwards of 10 IUI’s… I just can’t imagine. If this doesn’t work we are slated to do 3 more but I think I will be asking if we could only do 2 before moving to IVF. Wow, then to think about the wait after that sort of thing…

Infertility sucks.

 


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Do I have a sign on my forehead…

… that says: “PLEASE tell me about your pregnancy/your daughter’s pregnancy”?

I swear, I must attract these people. There has got to be something that I am emitting that alerts people to me being infertile which in turn has them tell me about their pregnancy or a relative’s pregnancy. A not-so-close co-worker called me today to discuss about something work related and after that was done she asked if she could tell me a secret… um, sure? Well her daughter is getting married a month from today and they found out two weeks ago that she is preggo. Great. Wonderful. Shoot me in the fucking head. 

She was apparently on antibiotics and her BCP’s failed. Isn’t that sweet? Seriously, a round right to the head would be great. I acted excited for her and asked all the appropriate questions but all I could do was think ‘is this really happening right now? I can’t even get away from this shit at work?’

I am totally symptom spotting which is driving me bat-shit crazy. I am trying to ignore everything but that is just impossible. Totally impossible.


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5DPIUI and Update

I can’t tell if it’s sad that I can find my way to the RE offices without my GPS now or if I am happy about that (I hate using my GPS). I have to travel on three interstates to get there so I think it is impressive 😉

I had my “follow-up” appointment with Dr. M today and it went really well. He was happy with how I ended up responding to the higher dosage of Clomid and said I had 2 mature follicles on my left ovary (this was news to me because I was only told 1 by the nurse) and that E’s numbers looked great. The plan, if this IUI doesn’t work, is to change my meds up a little. He wants to change me from clomid to letrozole and still do the trigger shot. There has been a recent study by the American Society of Reporductive Medicine that states that letrozole has a higher pregnancy success rate and a lower rick of multiples so he wants to move me to that. I am good with it!

As far as the elevated liver enzymes, he ruled out all of the major things that would contribute to it and believes it is nothing serious. We made a plan that we will recheck the levels in December and if they are still elevated, I will go to a hepatologist. 

We talked about a bunch of other stuff too but that was kinda the highlights. He commended me again on my weightloss (I have lost 4lbs since seeing him in Sept) and told me to continue to think positively. I’m trying.

In other news, my boobs are super sore. Like ‘OMG touch them and die’ sore! I know it’s too early for all that being that I am only 5DPIUI but atleast it is a good sign that I actually ovulated and that my progesterone seems to be good.

I am still hoping that this worked and will result in a BFP for me. I am dying to test and this 2ww thing is total bullshit. I find it so hard to believe that in this day and age they haven’t figured out a way to make this whole getting pregnant thing instantaneous!!

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Feeling good

Today was IUI day and I am feeling pretty good 🙂

E and I woke up promptly at 6am, showered, got dressed, got the puppies up and we were out the door by 6:45. We hit some traffic but made it to the hospital at the right time and they got E right back to give his sample. His numbers were fabulous – 29 million and 98% motility!! They didn’t do the morphology count but I am hoping that it is still atleast at 2%. 

Dr. M’s nurse is a little cray cray. Like ‘OMGIHAVEHAD100CUPSOFCOFFEE” crazy. She was really, really excited about E’s numbers. She just thought that was unbelievably amazing and such good news. Once I finally got into the stirrups and they started the procedure she then got so happy with the amount of CM I had. How this is perfect timing and just perfect sperm and perfect CM. It took her no time at all to insert the catheter and deposit the sperm. I had some mild cramping but overall no pain at all.

The best part about the whole thing: after the procedure the table was tilted back so my hips were way higher then my head, the lights were turned off and mood music was turned on. I was instructed to lay still for 15 minutes and then she would be back. I knew I was going to have to lay there but as soon as she walked out I turned my head to look at E and we both started giggling. I was not expecting the atmosphere change but it was kinda nice 🙂

The nurse came in and went over the instructions going forward. I think I was a little surprised that they start treating you like you are actually pregnant already but I will follow orders. The only one I am not happy about is not being allowed to have cold deli meat 😦 I love sandwiches and now the meat has to be hot (to kill any potential bacteria). Not so thrilled about that one.

Now, I just have a mild cramping feeling (more like bloated feeling) and it puts a lot of pressure in my lower belly when I laugh. I am spending the rest of the day on the couch and enjoyed being waited on by my hubby. Next steps will be to take a HPT on Wednesday 10/23 and if that is negative and AF doesn’t arrive a day or two after that then I have to call and I think they will verify a BFN and then induce a period. 


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Green light!

RE’s office just called and we get to move forward!! My E2 is 410 and with the follicle at 18mm they said we can move forward 🙂 

Plan: Trigger tomorrow night at 10pm and E and I get to do the dirty. Friday we have to be at the clinic at 8am for E to give his sample and then be back at 10am for the actual IUI. 

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Is it bad that I am excited? I know the chances of it working. I just don’t think I will ever not be excited about the possibility of being pregnant…