BFN again this morning 😦 I didn’t really have hope that the test would change between Wednesday and today but it still squeezes my heart to see another negative.
I am going to let myself wallow for today. I think I deserve it. Then, hopefully AF will show up tomorrow and we can start this whole fucking process over again.
I tried to tell E to not get his hopes up because I feel 100% normal and I didn’t want him to just *know* it worked when I *knew* it didn’t. We woke up at the same time this morning; I went and peed in my designated cup, dipped both a FRER and a wondfo (since there is debate over which one is more sensitive, I wanted to have all my bases covered) and got back in bed and watched the clock. We didn’t say a word to each other during those 5 minutes. Just laid in the darkness with the air of hope around us. I got up, looked at the tests, turned them every which way hoping to see some semblance of a line. Zilch, nada, nothing. Another stark white negative staring me back in the face.
Into the trash they went and when I walked out of the bathroom E was staring at me expectantly. I just said ‘they were negative’. He rolled back on his back and didn’t say anything… So I got the dogs up and went down to my work desk to start the work day. I didn’t cry. Not until he came downstairs and pulled me into a huge, wordless hug. He just held me and let me cry. He is so amazing and I feel so badly that I can’t make this happen for us. I feel as if it is all my fault even though logically I know it’s not.
I am trying to let my logical brain beat out my emotional one. This was essentially the first cycle that everything went right; I produced a follicle, had an injection to trigger ovulation (which I am pretty sure occurred), E had good numbers and the nurse said our timing was awesome based on my CM when we did the IUI. It is a good chance that this is the first time I ever ovulated in the last 10 years. Logically I know I should think of this as my “first time trying” but it doesn’t feel that way. It FEELS like this is my 30th failed cycle.
Last night I opened my 5th bottle of prenatal vitamins. That is 32 months worth or 3.5 pregnancy’s worth of vitamins consumed. That just sucks.
Today I am going to let myself feel this and tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the start of a new cycle!!