"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

14DPIUI and BFN

4 Comments

BFN again this morning 😦 I didn’t really have hope that the test would change between Wednesday and today but it still squeezes my heart to see another negative. 

I am going to let myself wallow for today. I think I deserve it. Then, hopefully AF will show up tomorrow and we can start this whole fucking process over again. 

I tried to tell E to not get his hopes up because I feel 100% normal and I didn’t want him to just *know* it worked when I *knew* it didn’t. We woke up at the same time this morning; I went and peed in my designated cup, dipped both a FRER and a wondfo (since there is debate over which one is more sensitive, I wanted to have all my bases covered) and got back in bed and watched the clock. We didn’t say a word to each other during those 5 minutes. Just laid in the darkness with the air of hope around us. I got up, looked at the tests, turned them every which way hoping to see some semblance of a line. Zilch, nada, nothing. Another stark white negative staring me back in the face. 

Into the trash they went and when I walked out of the bathroom E was staring at me expectantly. I just said ‘they were negative’. He rolled back on his back and didn’t say anything… So I got the dogs up and went down to my work desk to start the work day. I didn’t cry. Not until he came downstairs and pulled me into a huge, wordless hug. He just held me and let me cry. He is so amazing and I feel so badly that I can’t make this happen for us. I feel as if it is all my fault even though logically I know it’s not. 

I am trying to let my logical brain beat out my emotional one. This was essentially the first cycle that everything went right; I produced a follicle, had an injection to trigger ovulation (which I am pretty sure occurred), E had good numbers and the nurse said our timing was awesome based on my CM when we did the IUI. It is a good chance that this is the first time I ever ovulated in the last 10 years. Logically I know I should think of this as my “first time trying” but it doesn’t feel that way. It FEELS like this is my 30th failed cycle. 

Last night I opened my 5th bottle of prenatal vitamins. That is 32 months worth or 3.5 pregnancy’s worth of vitamins consumed. That just sucks.

Today I am going to let myself feel this and tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the start of a new cycle!!

4 thoughts on “14DPIUI and BFN

  1. *sigh* I am so sorry. There are no words. I know that feeling too well, except that I don’t test anymore. Yes we need to sometimes feel the feelings and then we can pick ourselves up again. Kudos to your husband for being awesome. It’s hard not to blame yourself but try not to, as you know that it’s nobody’s fault. The vitamins get to me too. I took a break from it for a month. Big hugs to you, friend. This journey isn’t easy.

  2. Oh friend! I logged on expectantly today…hoping. I’m so sorry. My first iui when I ovulated felt so “real,” but I think I found out I was pregnant 9 months after that. I grieved and cried for weeks after that first iui. Give yourself that space. Hugs

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