"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

The right thing to say


It has been no secret that I have struggled a great deal with remaining hopeful through infertility. I still believe that it’s a way for me to soften the blow when I get a BFN each month. With the failure of this last IUI, moving into the next cycle has me in a mix of emotions. 

I do have hope in the sense that so many women I have heard from say that Femara is their miracle drug and they got pregnant the first month on it after taking clomid. Maybe that will be me and I will get to write that Femara was my miracle drug as well. On the other hand I am already thinking ahead to IVF and planning on trying not to go more than 3 rounds of IUI before moving forward. That doesn’t sound to hopeful to me. 

One of you lovely ladies told me that each round I need to go into holding on to the fact that this is the start of a potential new life and that that baby deserves all your time, attention and love. I need to get back to focusing on this cycle. To this potential new life. 

Yesterday a friend who has gone through IF and now has the most adorable little boy said this to me: 

It’s okay if it hurts too much right now to have hope. Because, even when you lose hope, I’ll still be here holding onto it for you. That’s what friendship is all about.

It made me cry. That was the most perfect thing to say and I didn’t even have a good response. Today is a new day and I am refocusing on my priorities. Back to living in the moment and stop planning ahead. 

I have also been feeling guilty about talking about IF so much to the few people who do actually know about what is going on. These individuals have given me no reason to feel that way and when I expressed my guilt they adamantly and feverishly told me that I was being crazy (in the sweetest way ;)) and that they were here for me through anything. I have amazing people in my life and I am so grateful 🙂

9 thoughts on “The right thing to say

  1. That IS the perfect thing to say!

  2. That really is the perfect thing to say! And so true. I’m so sick of people telling me not to lose hope. It doesn’t magically renew my hope; it only makes me feel even worse for not feeling it. And it doesn’t fracking matter, either. Having hope or not having hope… it won’t change the outcome of a cycle.

    I was the same way when it came to both Clomid and Femara, and even our IUI. I had a suspicion, an intuition, that it was going to take much more than that to get me pregnant. I “hoped” it wouldn’t, of course, but I was constantly thinking ahead to IVF. That’s where I’m comfortably hanging all my hopes! It just feels right. 🙂

    • I know just how you feel! When people try to tell me to be hopeful or things that I need to look positive towards I feel compelled to tell them a statistic or a fact that discredits them. I know in most cases they are just trying to be helpful but it does the exact opposite. I feel the same as you, my attitude isn’t going to change the probability of sperm meeting egg or egg implanting into my uterus.

      I have been following your journey and am so sending you good thoughts and wishes 🙂 xo

  3. Yes I had a friend who said something similar to me. It’s such a comforting thing to hear. She’s got your back. 🙂

  4. So often we hear about the crap things people say – because it’s so much more common. So nice to hear your friend say exactly the right thing for you. As for me I of course am hopeful each time or why would I bother right? But sometimes you can’t really let yourself feel that hope and that’s ok. I like to plan so knowing what my next steps are IN CASE it doesn’t work helps me feel better too.

    • It is so true that we hear the bad way more than the good. It is one of the reasons that her saying that brought me to tears. It’s so uncommon to hear something that doesn’t make me want to scream or punch the person in the face. I waiver from being hopeful to just feeling like I am going through the motions because it is what I have to do even though I don’t feel like it will work. I am also a serious planner so maybe me planning isn’t not having hope… maybe it’s just who I am and what I do 🙂

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