"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


Confirmed chemical

Yesterday’s beta was down to 3 and the nurse called today to tell me it was chemical and that I should expect AF any day. Well she must be psychic because abt 10 minutes later she showed

I called back and told her  that it started and what we need to do. She said that since I lost it so early I didn’t need to take a month off and can start my Femara once we get my E2 levels back.

Both E and I are still kind of in a state of numbness. We didn’t get a chance to be exciteted about being pregnant before knowing that it was over. Plus its very hard to keep a smile on my face with all the family here for the holidays. The bleeding and cramping is already the worst I have ever had and today is only day 1. I pray this passes fast…


This sucks

Being in limbo may be worse than being in the TWW. I am trying my best to stay OFF of Google and just chill but that’s hard. Since I was so convinced that I wasn’t pregnant before we left yesterday, I didn’t bring any HPT’s with me so today E and I went to Target and got 2. I’m going to take one tomorrow morning if I don’t get full AF. I am still spotting and would probably feel better if I wasn’t but since I’m pretty sure this is going to turn out as a chemical I would prefer to get it over with and get me out of this limbo…



So this morning was horrible. I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks and it has been making me a little crazy. Ok. A lot crazy. Since I am in the car I won’t go into everything but I went to the RE this morning for a beta and progesterone check… Hcg is at 8.3. So it’s above 5 which means it is positive but so crazy low.

My progesterone is 18 something I think she said. Regardless of the number she said that it was still elevated and didn’t think I needed supplements so that’s something I guess. The kicker is that we are in the car traveling to ATL for the next 9 days and I need another beta on Monday. That means I have to go to one of those “any lab test” places. Great. Atleast it is a 24 hour turn around and not a three day turn around or something stupid.

With a number that low I’m having trouble keeping the faith so any positive vibes you can send my way I would so greatly appreciate!!!!




Had another craptastic night and have been up since 2:20 😦 I tested and it’s a BFN. Stark white and not even a whisper of a second line. Since the spotting started 5 days ago I should definitely have enough HCG in my system by now for a HPT to pick up, if ths spotting was pregnancy related. The spotting is still 100% gone though so now we just have to figure out WTF is wrong with my body.

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It’s gone!

So guess what… the spotting is 100% gone. I even got up close and personal to check to be sure and nope, nada. Tomorrow is 13DPIUI so I think I am going to test again but either way I will be calling the RE office to see what they want me to do. I am hoping they stick to what they told me on Monday and tell me to come in Friday morning for some blood work.

I am happy in the sense that since AF hasn’t arrived yet I will be able to do the next cycle and the ATL trip doesn’t interfere but I am still holding onto some form of hope. My boobs are so UNsensitive its crazy. They have never been like this. I have had sore boobs for as long as I can remember and they have felt like nothing this whole cycle. However yesterday and today I have been really really tired but I am attributing that to the sleepless night on Monday. Today I have been ravenous and start to feel weird (maybe nauseous? My stomach makes all kinds of noises and it just feels strange) if I didn’t eat something every hour or 2 but I could also be conjuring that.

I am nervous to test but also ready to get it over with and ready to see what bloodwork says. Maybe my progesterone was too low? Maybe the Femara screwed with me pretty badly… who knows.

Hopefully I can sleep again tonight 🙂


To test or not to test

So the spotting is essentially non-existent now. I called and spoke to my actual nurses and she told me the same thing… you need to wait and see. She said it could be the start of AF but if it goes away it could be a sign of pregnancy. Thank you for that insightful information… I don’t blame her, I just wish there was a way to know sooner!!! 

So, Dr. Google says that you could get a positive HPT 2-4 days after implantation bleeding. So if mine started on 8DPIUI and today is 10DPIUI I could test tomorrow and maybe get something, right? My emotions are all over the place as to whether or not I should. It’s still early. I should wait until Friday but I am leaving to go out of town Friday and if I do get a positive I would like to get at least two beta’s done before we leave. However, if it is a BFN I will probably feel defeated even though I know it’s kinda early. 

I am a POAS addict so I will probably end up doing it as long as I have no more spotting. What do you think? Should I wait atleast another day till 12DPIUI, wait till Friday or just try tomorrow??


Grateful for my doctor

Today I called the “on call” doctor at my RE’s office. I have a much better appreciation for the doctor I actually see now…

The spotting went away last night. It was essentially completely gone! I was pretty excited and then this morning at 5am I was up and there was still nothing there. Totally felt relieved. Then at 7:30 I went to the bathroom and there was spotting and enough that it made it to my underwear 😦 Still brown but definitely heavier than yesterday morning. 

I ended up telling E when he woke up and he got so worried, being that it is still so early, and begged me to call the doctor. So I did and he essentially told me the same thing I already told E… “you need to wait and see.” I really didn’t like this guy though. He said that it sounded like the start of AF and if it continues or gets heavier to count today as CD1 and come in on Tuesday for blood work. I asked him about implantation bleeding and he said that he doesn’t believe in “implantation bleeding” as it is not a true thing backed by science. That it happens in very few women and that while there is bleeding occasionally in early pregnancy he wouldn’t call it implantation bleeding. He seemed pretty rude about it too. So, you know, that made me feel wonderful. Maybe he was just pissed because I called at 8:45 on a Sunday. Who knows.

He also said that if this is AF then a 9 day LP is very concerning and he would assume my actual doctor would change up the protocol for the next cycle. This trip to ATL is really getting in the way of things. Actually, it’s not. It’s my body who is fucking everything up right now. GAAH!!

The spotting has tapered off AGAIN and while it is still there it’s very light and hasn’t been heavy enough to make it to my underwear since the initial assault. I also haven’t had any real cramping which is odd if it is AF since I always, always have that as a symptom and normally my boobs are at least sensitive when I have AF. Right now you could grab and squeeze and I wouldn’t blink an eye (lol) there is absolutely no sensitivity whatsoever. 

Needless to say… I am going to wait and see. Any extra prayers you can spare to send my way I would be eternally grateful. 




So remember the squinty eye’d, maybe there, maybe not there “spotting” I had at 6DPIUI? Well that went away until this morning where it was very obvious dark brown spotting. Not enough to be on my underwear but enough to automatically know what it was on the TP. It wasn’t in any CM though… it looks exactly like what it looks like a day or two before my period. The only small glimmer of hope is that ever since the initial “large” amount of spotting this morning it is almost completely gone. So… maybe it’s a good sign? 

The other thing it could be is that E and I had sex last night in which I had an O. I am worried that that screwed something up or maybe forced some old blood from the IUI out or something in which case it wouldn’t mean anything. 

If it is the start of AF then that would be a crazy short LP as we know I didn’t ovulate more than 8 days ago based on the ultrasound and blood work so that would be worrisome.

I don’t really have any other symptoms other than feeling “off.” I occasionally have a weird pulsing feeling in my lower abdomen and I just feel really bloated. I have no idea if it’s constipation or what. I also have a lot of gas which E is really not thrilled about lol. My boobs are definitely not sore and I am not excessively tired or anything. 

One other thing that is odd is that my face is starting to clear up a little which is not normal at all. Normally 6 days before AF is suppose to be here my face would be starting to absolutely blow up with zits. I still have a few but nothing like normal…  

Friday can’t get here soon enough!


6DPIUI and a glimmer of hope?

I have felt so out this cycle. Like we just spent $750 on a next step toward IVF and not that this actually has a chance. I have had zero symptoms from the HCG injection this cycle and have felt absolutely 100% normal.

I have somehow, miraculously, been sleeping through the night till about 5am when I wake up having to pee so badly I can barely make it to the bathroom but I know it is not a restful sleep because I wake up tired. But seriously I have had no symptoms and have been really good about ignoring anything that could be a symptom. Symptom spotting has been non-existent in this household and I have been pretty proud about that 😀 That is, until last night/this morning…

Last night E came home and we sat down to eat. I was in a relatively good mood. As good a mood as any after a days worth of work, being a wednesday and cooking dinner. Definitely not a bad mood. Well we were sitting eating and just talking about our days when something inside me just switched. I turned into mega-bitch. We finished eating in silence I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen then went to sit down on the couch until we went upstairs for bed. I was sitting there for 10 minutes tops when I couldn’t stand it anymore and I wanted to tear E’s head off. He didn’t do or say anything so I knew something was going on and instead of creating an unnecessary fight I excused myself and went upstairs so I didn’t say or do anything I would regret. I woke up this morning in a better mood… who knows what that is all about???

That brings me to this morning. I am 6DPIUI and when I went to the bathroom around 7am it looked like there was a tint to what was on the toilet paper. I wasn’t sure what I was seeing so I checked my CM and sure enough it had a brown tinge to it! All I could scream in my head is “COULD THIS BE IMPLANTATION BLEEDING?!?!” I have gone to the bathroom a couple times since and all is clear. I really hope I wasn’t hallucinating and that it could be a good sign. I feel like I have had some cramping/fullness last night and today but now I am not sure if I am conjuring/imagining them or if they are really there. 

Needless to say, the past 5 days of being really good about symptom spotting are out the window and I am just going to have to prepare to be crazy for the next 8 days until I test 😉


2DPIUI #2 and feeling defeated

I am not sure why I feel that this didn’t work… E and I had sex Thursday (day of trigger/night before IUI), had the IUI on Friday with good sperm numbers and were able to last night (45 hours after trigger – and this was not easy for E. Three days in a row is not an easy task for us/him). So, I feel that if I ovulated any time between Thursday night and Saturday we are covered. I should feel pretty hopeful but I don’t. I think the main reason is that I don’t know if I ovulated because I didn’t have any signs like I did last month. Last month I had a ton of EWCM for a few days after the trigger. This time, nothing. Dry as a bone and even had to use lube last night. I NEVER have to use lube. 

The weird thing is that last month I was on clomid and I heard that that affects your CM but I didn’t have any trouble. This month was Femara and either I didn’t ovulate or it impacted my CM. 

I can’t go by ovulation pain because the day of IUI and all day yesterday everything hurt and I was super bloated. I couldn’t tell if what I was feeling was just uterine cramping from the IUI or if there was also ovulation pain as the whole area hurt. I did have several very sharp pains that could have been ovulation but again can’t be sure. Using OPK’s is pointless because of the HCG injection and I don’t temp because I don’t sleep and the RE said it would be a waste of my time. 

I wan’t to be hopeful but I am just not feeling it. I started packing for our trip to ATL in 12 days and just automatically started putting together a ton of tampons and pads because we are leaving on the day I should start my period. After I realized what I was doing I thought I should pack a few HPT’s just in case but still. 

I wish I could know for sure if I ovulated but my RE doesn’t check because they say that 98% of the time you do. Plus, it made me ovulate last cycle so why wouldn’t it this cycle too? I had a big follie and another almost mature one the morning of trigger so I probably wouldn’t worry but of coarse I am. 

Oh and also I took a HPT this morning (I am going to test out my trigger) and there was barely a second line with SMU. Last month I had a line till 7DPIUI so not sure what that means. I wonder if I didn’t get a good trigger injection or something… who knows. Only 12 more days of this torture!