We lost our Petey boy almost two months ago now. We miss a large dog in the house and with our last failed IUI and now the uncertainty of us moving forward with this one we are both in a funk and have been talking more and more about getting another big dog. Did I mention we have three smaller dogs already? Oh and did I also mention that we are talking about a Great Dane? There are so many questions I have to ask myself…
What if I do get pregnant soon? The puppy would only be about a year old when the baby came…
What if I have a hard pregnancy?
Do I really want that to be a 160lb dog?
Do I want to spend 5 times as much money on EVERYTHING for a dog that big just because of his size while I am spending a shit ton of money to try to get pregnant? Then.. a dog that big and a child??
What I do know is that right now I feel like I want him. I feel less safe being home all day without a big dog in the house and would like that security again. I miss having a big dog in the house (although that is a REALLY big dog) and I would love to focus my energy on something other than the fact that I am childless. He would also hold me accountable for several walks a day and I have been so down lately that I am lucky if I get one walk in per day. The little ones are so old or fragile that they can barely make it around the block once.
E and I are going to talk again about it. Probably every day until we go see the puppy (this weekend). We could wait until this cycle is over to decide but I think that we would be in the same boat of utter uncertainty. We could be doing treatments for months/years… I wish we could know. Say that in 4 months we would be get a BFP and treatments were be over. If I *knew* that, I would be thinking differently but since we don’t it makes it more difficult.
Believe me, I wish this wasn’t even on my mind. I wish I was thinking about nursery’s and baby names and just content with my three little ones. Instead, all I think about is pills, my next ultrasound, the next round of bloodwork and the anxiety over the phone call from the doctor. Every week each one of my arms are sore for at least 2 days from the needles that get shoved into them. All I have to look forward to is more anxiety.
I can’t wait to go home for the Thanksgiving and Hanukkah and get away from it all. To see family. To spend time with friends and their children. To try and forget. However, I know that wont happen because my mom will talk about it all the time. I will see pregnant women. I will see babies and adorable children doing fall things and having a blast with their parents. It’s unavoidable and yet it is still really hard for me. If I had a puppy I could enjoy all those things, because I want to be home and enjoy my family and friends, and still have a “baby” to keep me focused. I could come back home and not feel like an empty shell of a person because I spent all this time with all these amazing families and it just be the two of us again.
It wouldn’t change the fact that I don’t have a baby but I could focus on something other than infertility. It’s just that puppy turns into a very large dog…
Oh yea, and here he is… How freaking adorable is he?!