"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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10 Things I have learned in the past 6 days

1. It is 100% possible to be completely overjoyed and debilitatingly terrified at the exact same moment.

2. It is so much easier not telling people that I am pregnant than I thought it would be. I am totally content on keeping this our little secret for a while longer.

3. Cramps are a very, VERY scary thing even when you know it is completely normal.

4. Do not watch anything and I mean anything on Animal Plant while pregnant… you will cry at every show and every single commercial.

5. Having to eat every hour is simultaneously awesome and a total pain in the ass.

6. Sleep is my friend more now then ever… even if I still don’t get enough of it.

7. The first couple weeks of being “bloated” is no joke. I can’t wear my jeans and have been living in leggings/yoga pants.

8. Sandpaper nipples… I am obsessed with touching them to make sure they still feel like someone took sandpaper to them (yes, I know, I am a complete freak but I am doing anything I can to reassure myself that this is actually happening).

9. Seeing E this happy has made my heart swell. I have NEVER seen him like this in the 11.5 years we have been together. It’s amazing.

10. Even though the past 3 years have tried my faith and I have all but stopped praying, I have found myself praying with every ounce of my being that this baby is my take-home miracle. Here’s hoping that my prayers come true.

…16 days till my viability ultrasound…


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Beta confirmed… I am actually pregnant!

Beta this morning was 157! I so wish I was able to go on Wednesday for my second one but Thursday it is. My progesterone is good too at 28.3 so I am to follow the same protocol with the progesterone suppositories (yuck… but I will GLADLY continue to use them). We told my immediate family today, mostly just because they knew we were testing. I actually called and woke my mom up because I didn’t want to give her the chance to call me! I wanted to be the one to call her 🙂 Luckily she forgave me for waking her up! 

Still feels surreal. E and I went out to dinner tonight and were talking about it the whole time. It was SO weird… and totally awesome!

I can’t thank you all enough for your continued kind words and encouragement. I really don’t know what I would do without you all. You’re all amazing ❤


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I can’t believe it…

I am in total shock. I woke up at 1:15 having to pee so badly but didn’t want to because I didn’t want to test in the middle of the night. Well by 2:20 I couldn’t take it anymore and got up to test. The second line came up almost immediately but I didn’t believe it so I walked away and came back 4 minutes later. It’s not even a squinter!!!!!!!!!!

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E had told me to not wake him up if this happened but I was crying and so happy I just couldn’t NOT wake him up! So right now he is trying to go back to sleep while I am not so patiently waiting to get ready for the RE’s office to open so I can go for my beta.

Ahhhhhh!!!!!!


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So many BFP’s… could I be next?

I can’t believe how many of you wonderful women have announced your BFP’s over the last couple of weeks. It is truly amazing. I can only hope that tomorrow when I test I will be able to announce my BFP as well.

13DPIUI today and this is the first month that I have not been sneaky and tested early. Tomorrow morning is the day! I am getting quite nervous. The past two days my symptoms have increased a little but I still don’t know if it is all in my head. The only thing that is not in my head is the tons of watery CM. It looks like I peed my panties every time I go to the bathroom. Yes, ew, I know. That is not normal for me but I always thought that the CM associated with pregnancy was creamy so I don’t know what that’s about. My right boob is quite tender but my left one isnt and I am eating everything in sight… it’s crazy. I have been having some AF like cramps but no sign of AF yet (since I am taking progesterone, I am not surprised). I am really hoping that means good news but I am not getting my hopes up. January marks 3 years of TTC and there has been so much disappointment that it’s hard to keep up the positivity…

Any spare prayers/good thoughts you have, I would appreciate them. It would be so amazing to have my dreams come true tomorrow morning 🙂


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11DPIUI and no urge to test

It’s pretty amazing what a good distraction will do to the obsessive two week wait. Yes, I still think about it a lot during the day and still wish that I am pregnant but I have no desire to test which is an odd feeling. 

I have been so caught up in the rescue we started working with that I have been able to channel my energy into something other than obsessed with symptoms. 

I, however, have noticed some thing… because I mean really, I am an infertile. My boobs feel heavier and may be a little bigger. I have a constant VERY mild nausea and I am quite tired. Oh and the hunger is still there. If there is food, I will eat it. 

We got our new foster tonight and he is the biggest ball of sweetness I can barely stand it. I love him already. He needs a lot of work but we’re ready to do it!!

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Nine things.

Couldn’t have written this better myself!

only infertile

Stuff I knew before TTC

1. No one is guaranteed a baby when they want it. And yet, some people are able to plan like that. This makes it ridiculously difficult for them to understand those who can’t plan.

2. I really, really wanted to be among those who could plan for a baby and have it work totally correctly.

3. If you can, waiting to start trying is not the wrong decision. Having a baby is a big deal.

Stuff I realized when we started

1. Sex ed in this country is 99.9% about how not to get pregnant. For a huge percentage of the population, that makes total sense. For the rest of us, it means that not only do we not get the info we need, but it leaves the majority population totally stumped about what’s going on with us.

2. There’s actually a lot that I…

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7DPIUI

7DPIUI today and still feel pretty normal. The hunger has subsided some which is a good thing because I was literally eating everything in sight. My boobs are slightly tender and I had a really sharp pain on the right side of my uterus for about 10 second saturday morning. I had a split second of ‘IMPLANTATION!’ followed by ‘yea right, don’t be a fucking idiot, it’s way too early’. I took a test today (like I do every cycle at 7DPIUI) and confirmed the trigger is no longer in my system so that’s good news. Just 7 more days till I can test for real!

The adoption yesterday went really well with our first foster dog. I only teared up once but was smiling the whole way through it. He’s going to have a great new life 🙂 and we already got word that our new great dane foster will be delivered to us on Friday! So I have a couple days to get ready for a new furbaby to come into the house. He will be with us for a couple months while we get him healthy and then put him up for adoption 🙂


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Going through “an adoption” during the TWW

I posted before about getting a foster pup for a few days (https://ambivalentjourney.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/i-am-becoming-a-new-mom-for-like-two-weeks/) . Well it has been going great for the most part and tomorrow is the day he meets his new family. Today is 4DPIUI and if all goes well tomorrow he will be leaving us on Sunday, 6DPIUI. 

Let me tell you, the progesterone supplements have made me crazier than usual already (and are so totally disgusting). I am crying at everything, hungry ALL. FUCKING. DAY, and moody as all get out. One minute I am so irritated at the new dog and the next I can’t imagining letting him go to a new home. His new family is so happy and excited. They deserve him and will give him an amazing life but letting go of one of my “babies”, even if we have only had him over a week, is going to be really hard. Add in all the additional hormones I have going on and forget it.

Every night I have been talking to the little egg and praying that he/she decides to be the one and make me his/her home for the next nine months. I envision it. I walk through the steps, visualize, pray, hope, beg that this will work. 

10 days till testing! (and I am going to try really hard not to test early again this time… 😉 )

Oh and I will shamelessly plug the rescue I am associated with. If you want to donate to our three medical fund furbabies or want to adopt… we would be so greatful! It looks like I will be having Amos (first listed on the medical fund page) as our new foster baby and come to stay with us for a little while until we can get him healthy and adopted. We hope to get him sometime next week or the week after. http://greatdanefriends.com/


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IUI #3 and it pays off to be a nagging pain in the ass

This morning’s IUI went according to plan. No hiccups. We arrived at the hospital at 7:45, E gave his sample, we left to get breakfast (and we found a new breakfast place… SO yummy!), came back and waited for them to call me for the IUI. 

I said there were no hiccups with the IUI… but I did do something which was “a first” for the nurse. This has been the first time that my job has interfered with an IUI and of coarse this was the first time the RE was running late. I had thought I was going to get away with having the IUI at 10 and be walking out of the office by 10:25 so I could get on my work call at 10:30. Well, they didn’t take me back till 10:23. I had no choice… I was on my work call while up in the stirrups. Imagine the story I could tell to my child if this IUI works: You were conceived while I was talking to several Medical Directors all over the United States. Regardless the nurse was very accommodating and she got in and out quick as a cat. I laid there for 20 minutes to finish up my call and then I was free to get dressed.

As we were finishing up I decided to be a pain in the ass and ask again about the progesterone supplements. This was a different nurse than the one I talk to one the phone who is the “general” nurse who makes the calls. This was my actual doctors nurse. She said she wasn’t sure but since Dr. M was here today she would go ask him. Sure as shit she came back and said Dr. M indicated that would be a good idea after what happened last month, just to be safe. Well it’s a good damn thing I asked! I wonder if that general nurse even inquired with Dr. M… guess I will never know. Needless to say I will be starting the progesterone tomorrow night. I feel so much better knowing that we are now doing everything possible to help a little human begin its life. Let the 2ww begin!

Also, we spoke to Dr. M about IUI #4. I told him that we couldn’t afford to do IVF right now but would like to step it up with IUI #4 in the hopes to increase our chances. He agreed and so if this doesn’t work we are moving to injectables next cycle. I am happy he is willing to step it up instead of having us continue at this protocol. So, we have a plan but first lets hope that I won’t need it 😉