"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Ramblings of an infertile

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*FYI – this is going to be a boring post of non-cohesive thoughts… feel free to move right along*

We are finally home from our 9 day trip to which I gained 9.3lbs. How is that even possible?! Oh, you mean the copious amounts of food that I shoved into my face was the culprit? Maybe eating an entire batch of milk chocolate pecan home made fudge by myself? Hmm, maybe it was the 2 grape Fanta’s per day? Yea, I am guessing it was all of the above. 

As soon as I found out I was having a chemical pregnancy, I let myself go. Boy did I go hard. I was seriously like a fat kid in a candy store. Anything and everything that was around I ate. It felt great at the time but now that I am home and see how much weight I gained I feel beyond disgusting. I am hoping and praying that maybe half of it is retained water and I will be able to lose that part quickly and then just get back in the game and get back to ‘pre-thanksgivikkah’ weight. 

AF came with a fucking vengeance. The nurse warned me that it would be a ‘very intense’ period and she was pretty right. I had horrible cramps, lots of bleeding and lots of large clots. It however didn’t last very long. Everything poured out of me so fast and furious that I think after 3 days there wasnt much. It was light/spotting for 2 more days and now I seem to be done. The nurse told me that it was up to me whether I wanted to go right into IUI #3 or take a month off. E and I discussed it and E made some good points about getting back on the horse and all that motivation bullshit. So, needless to say, I started my Femara on Thanksgiving and my CD 11 ultrasound is this upcoming Friday. 

When we were scheduling all this stuff for IUI #3, we went ahead and scheduled the IVF consultation. I am very ambivalent towards it. It will be interesting to see if he convinces me to do another IUI (making 4 total) or if he will be okay with going right into IVF. I would like to get a plan and not have to take a month off to “figure out the protocol”. I would like to go right into it and not have to wait. I know that some people are put on birth control for a couple weeks which is fine, as long as that is part of the protocol. It should be interesting. IVF consult is scheduled for 12/18 so not much longer to wait for that…

 The holiday’s were hard… not gonna lie. Going through a chemical at the same time made it worse. Social media made it even worse. There were so many pregnancy announcements, new babies and ‘my first thanksgiving’/’my first hanukkah’ posts it drove me mad. I was able to distract myself by just pouring myself into the activity at hand. Every time I had a bad cramp or found myself running to the bathroom brought me all back but it was just something I had to push through. 

The hardest part was attending my best friend’s childs birthday party. I will say that this little girl is my whole world. I would put my life on the line for this child. I love her so so so so so much and it would have killed me to miss her birthday. All that said, outside of BF’s cousin who is young and unmarried, E and I were the only people there with no children (duh, it’s a 4 year olds birthday). I knew that going into it, or at least assumed it but since I didn’t know most of the people and they didn’t know me, I was asked about 5 times “so, which child is yours?” I felt like such an outsider saying, “oh, none of them. BF and I are really close and I have been in A’s life since she was just a couple hours old. I love that girl and we just have a special bond.” All of which is true and luckily none of them pushed further than that but whether I imagined the pity in their eyes or it was actually there, I still felt it and it stung. I wouldn’t change going but I won’t lie and say it was the easiest thing in the world.

Now that we are home and that it is Monday, getting back into work is difficult. I wish we could win the lottery and no longer have to work. I was sleeping so hard this morning and could have used the extra sleep. If we did win the lottery, I wouldn’t even give a two weeks notice. I would just call my manager, politely tell her I am quitting then go get a huge box, pack all my work stuff and ship it to them. Damn, that would be so amazing…

I think that is enough of me bitching, complaining, randomly commenting and such for one day. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving (and Hanukkah for those of us who celebrate). 

xoxo

6 thoughts on “Ramblings of an infertile

  1. Hmm… My comment got eaten up in cyberspace… Anyhow, I think I was just saying that I understand your feelings about going to kids’ birthday parties when you’re the only couple who doesn’t have children of your own. We go to our friends’ kids’ birthday parties out of our love for the kids but we do get questions from people who would ask when it would be our turn, etc. I hope that your weight will be under control again and good luck with the next cycle. 🙂

  2. Well, here’s “La Chaim” or to Life in the coming months. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It’s crazy how fast your coming IUI/IVF attempts are. In some ways that is awesome. I often had to wait a while, but still…emotionally, this is so hard. Hugs!

  3. Thinking of you *hug* You know that I had a similar experience with the “first Thanksgiving” and “first Hanukkah” posts on Facebook. I love my friends, but I could have done without that!

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