*FYI – this is going to be a boring post of non-cohesive thoughts… feel free to move right along*
We are finally home from our 9 day trip to which I gained 9.3lbs. How is that even possible?! Oh, you mean the copious amounts of food that I shoved into my face was the culprit? Maybe eating an entire batch of milk chocolate pecan home made fudge by myself? Hmm, maybe it was the 2 grape Fanta’s per day? Yea, I am guessing it was all of the above.
As soon as I found out I was having a chemical pregnancy, I let myself go. Boy did I go hard. I was seriously like a fat kid in a candy store. Anything and everything that was around I ate. It felt great at the time but now that I am home and see how much weight I gained I feel beyond disgusting. I am hoping and praying that maybe half of it is retained water and I will be able to lose that part quickly and then just get back in the game and get back to ‘pre-thanksgivikkah’ weight.
AF came with a fucking vengeance. The nurse warned me that it would be a ‘very intense’ period and she was pretty right. I had horrible cramps, lots of bleeding and lots of large clots. It however didn’t last very long. Everything poured out of me so fast and furious that I think after 3 days there wasnt much. It was light/spotting for 2 more days and now I seem to be done. The nurse told me that it was up to me whether I wanted to go right into IUI #3 or take a month off. E and I discussed it and E made some good points about getting back on the horse and all that motivation bullshit. So, needless to say, I started my Femara on Thanksgiving and my CD 11 ultrasound is this upcoming Friday.
When we were scheduling all this stuff for IUI #3, we went ahead and scheduled the IVF consultation. I am very ambivalent towards it. It will be interesting to see if he convinces me to do another IUI (making 4 total) or if he will be okay with going right into IVF. I would like to get a plan and not have to take a month off to “figure out the protocol”. I would like to go right into it and not have to wait. I know that some people are put on birth control for a couple weeks which is fine, as long as that is part of the protocol. It should be interesting. IVF consult is scheduled for 12/18 so not much longer to wait for that…
The holiday’s were hard… not gonna lie. Going through a chemical at the same time made it worse. Social media made it even worse. There were so many pregnancy announcements, new babies and ‘my first thanksgiving’/’my first hanukkah’ posts it drove me mad. I was able to distract myself by just pouring myself into the activity at hand. Every time I had a bad cramp or found myself running to the bathroom brought me all back but it was just something I had to push through.
The hardest part was attending my best friend’s childs birthday party. I will say that this little girl is my whole world. I would put my life on the line for this child. I love her so so so so so much and it would have killed me to miss her birthday. All that said, outside of BF’s cousin who is young and unmarried, E and I were the only people there with no children (duh, it’s a 4 year olds birthday). I knew that going into it, or at least assumed it but since I didn’t know most of the people and they didn’t know me, I was asked about 5 times “so, which child is yours?” I felt like such an outsider saying, “oh, none of them. BF and I are really close and I have been in A’s life since she was just a couple hours old. I love that girl and we just have a special bond.” All of which is true and luckily none of them pushed further than that but whether I imagined the pity in their eyes or it was actually there, I still felt it and it stung. I wouldn’t change going but I won’t lie and say it was the easiest thing in the world.
Now that we are home and that it is Monday, getting back into work is difficult. I wish we could win the lottery and no longer have to work. I was sleeping so hard this morning and could have used the extra sleep. If we did win the lottery, I wouldn’t even give a two weeks notice. I would just call my manager, politely tell her I am quitting then go get a huge box, pack all my work stuff and ship it to them. Damn, that would be so amazing…
I think that is enough of me bitching, complaining, randomly commenting and such for one day. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving (and Hanukkah for those of us who celebrate).