"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Graduation Day

Today was the day of my first OB appointment. I finally graduated from the RE. It has only been 2 weeks since my last ultrasound but I was really hoping I would have another one… no such luck!

The appointment itself was very uneventful. Pap smear, breast exam, 4 vials of prenatal blood work, flu shot (which I was very reluctant about but Dr. L said that it is very safe and recommended), blood pressure, weight and the slew of questions they ask. 

I did talk about my concerns that I feel virtually normal (I know I should be ecstatic but it really worries me). Dr. L tried to reassure me by saying that only 50% of women experience pregnancy symptoms and since we saw a heartbeat at our ultrasound the risk of miscarriage is down to 2%. Ok well I would feel better if I actually got to hear/see our little blob but only 3 weeks till our 12 week scan. I have the day off of work for the ultrasound so it will be perfect. 

Here’s hoping that these 3 weeks go by super fast!!


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Not a great day and it’s only 7:20am

*This is going to be a complete post of me bitching and complaining and whining so please feel free to skip right on over it*

Last night was probably one of the worst nights sleep of my life. Amos (our foster pup) constantly kicked his kennel in his sleep waking me up constantly. I had to get up to pee three times. At 2:30am the smoke detector in our bedroom decided that the battery needed to be changed so it started that incessant beeping every 15 seconds. IT IS LOUD AS FUCK. Neither E or I could get up to do anything because if we did Amos would think it would be time to get up and start the day. Queue my blood pressure rising every damn time that thing beeped and he kicked his cage. I was about to go crazy by the time 5:45 rolled around and our alarms went off. Got up, got all the dogs up and outside in this cold as shit weather brought them back inside after trying to get Amos to take a shit and he was just so ready for breakfast that he refused to go. So what happens? While he is sitting and waiting for me to fix his breakfast he can’t hold it and shits on the floor. FUCKING AWESOME.

Everyone eats, goes BACK outside (just in case) and then I can finally sit down in my office and start my work day by 6:10am. Not even 10 minutes later Amos starts that pre-gag thing that dogs do before the puke. Well I had already cleaned up shit that morning idk if my stomach should stand cleaning up great dane size vomit so I flung open the front door and shoved his ass out so fast. He decided to up chuck his entire breakfast on our front lawn and I could care less. The fucking birds can clean it up for all I care. I come back inside and E is finally coming down stairs to leave for work, as he opens our bedroom door upstairs I hear that fucking smoke detector. E couldnt have disabled it for me?! I have to listen to it all fucking day while I work??? I have to get up on a chair and do it myself? What if I fall? Oh, idk just a pregnant woman up on a chair. He said that he was running super late and he would get it when he gets home. Yea, right, because I can wait till 6:30pm for him to come home and screw around with it.

I just want to scream and the day has barely begun. 

I know that all this is stupid and I need to all just let it go but I am just SO tired and everything piled on top of each other and I just want to curl in a ball and shut out the world for today. I don’t know if it’s the hormones, if it’s the lack of sleep or if I am just having a bad day but I am ready for the day to be over.


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Foster Update

I have awesome news!

1) Our foster pup got approved for surgery! He is now healthy enough to undergo anesthesia and have everything done

2) HE GOT A HOME!!!!

We are so excited that this awesome boy got a wonderful family 😀 Amos goes in for surgery on Friday. He is being neutered, his eyes are being cleaned out and sewn shut (he was born with no eyeballs, just tissue where they should be) and he is having a lump removed from his hip that has some “suspicious” cells. He will be a whole new man when we pick him up Friday afternoon.

His new owners already have three great danes so Amos will be their forth! They live in AZ so it will be a long drive for them to come out here to pick him up but they are so excited. There is a chance that they won’t be able to come get Amos till the first weekend in March but that’s ok, hes got a place to stay until they can 🙂 I mean really, how could you not love this face??

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Sigh of relief

Here is our little miracle… being a little over-achiever and measuring 4 days ahead of schedule. I am now 7w4d with a new EDD of August 29th, 2014. It was amazing, to say the least and I won’t lie. I totally cried when I saw that heart beating. That turned into silent sobs when they turned the audio on and I got to hear it. I looked over at E and he had the biggest smile on his face. It’s amazing how fast it is – measuring at 146bpm 🙂

There was our baby. Right there. All the while the Dr. is saying how good everything looks. It’s hard to wrap my mind around. I have this beautiful little growing human in my body. It didn’t feel real up until now. 

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After the ultrasound was over E and I sat there in shock for a moment and then burst into giggles and hugged one another. We past this second huge step and things look “perfect”. We went to Dr. M’s office and he gave us an overview of what we just saw, things to consider and told us that he sees no reason to continue treating me and is release me back to my OB. 

We are so happy it’s hard to focus on anything. I am so glad we both took the whole day off 🙂 Now, to breath a sigh of relief! Only a few more weeks till another glimpse of our miracle.


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Uneventful update

I haven’t written much lately because there is not a whole lot to write about. I still don’t really feel pregnant and it’s still driving me crazy. I have three indications:

1) I am having to eat all the time (the hunger is insane) or I get a little lightheaded and my tummy makes all kinds of crazy noises. Plus I get super grumpy if I dont eat. 

2) Falling asleep super fast. It use to take me between 2 and 3 hours to settle and fall asleep at night. Now? 15 minutes, tops.

3) Constant pregnancy tests. Yup. I am still taking them every couple days. 

Every now and then I will get a twinge, cramp or my boobs will be a little tender. The sandpaper nipples come and go but the past couple days they have been gone. Also, I guess this also counts, the past two nights I have had weird half asleep/half awake dreams.

I got so excited earlier this week when I was making meatloaf and the raw meat made me a little queasy but it went away as soon as I was done and I had no trouble at all eating the finished product LOL

My best friend was suppose to come visit this weekend and I was really looking forward to it as I needed the distraction but her little girl came down with croup and she doesn’t want to chance getting me sick which I totally appreciate. I have been lucky enough so far to not catch the bug that seems to be running rampant across the US right now but I am still sad. I miss her a lot and was really looking forward to seeing her. 

In 4 days, at this exact moment, E and I will be out to breakfast after our viability scan. Hopefully with big goofy smiles instead of teary eyes. Only 4 days. I can count that on one hand!! I hope E and I can find stuff to do this weekend to keep ourselves busy so it flies by but Monday is going to be the longest day of my life. I have no work meetings on the books to help pass the time or anything 😦 It’s ironic how one day I will wish time slowed down while right now I just want it to speed up!!!

I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!


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Driving. Myself. Crazy.

I have essentially turned myself into a little hermit ever since getting our BFP. I still don’t believe it. I still don’t feel any different. I still have no indication, after my first two betas, that things are progressing. I am still driving myself fucking insane. 

The other day E and I were talking about a big purchase and I got frustrated and said “are you crazy?! We are going to have a baby in 8 months” queue 5 second pause “hopefully”. He looked at me and laughed and said “oh was that a shred of optimism for a second?!?” I feel awful feeling this way. Expecting there to be blood every time I go to the bathroom. Expecting something to go wrong. It’s not healthy for me and it’s not healthy for the miracle inside of me. 

I still hate talking about it and I can’t bring myself to say “I’m pregnant” out loud. I fear anything I do or say is going to jinx it even though I know it has NOTHING do to with my actions. If my little miracle isn’t going to stay with me, at this point, there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I am doing everything possible, besides being worried, to keep this pregnancy going. I am being so careful with everything I do, am using my progesterone suppositories diligently and even though I have had a few not so healthy things to eat, for the most part I am doing good in that department too. 

I need to let go. I really, really do. I am just having trouble doing so. Tomorrow should be 6 weeks. I will pee on another stick just to make sure it is still nice and dark (something E asked me to do so we can both be “reassured” – yea because that lasts about an hour) and hope that these next 8 days fly by so we can get to our viability ultrasound. Thank god the appointment is at 8am. I can’t imagine if it was in the middle of the day LOL 

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I really never imagined feeling this way. I think that is part of the problem: this was unexpected. I never thought I would feel anything but elated when I received my BFP. Never in a million years did I think that talking about being pregnant would cause so much anxiety within me. When my mother asks how I am feeling and I reply ‘completely normal’ how scared I get. And when she laughs and replies ‘that’s so amazing!!!’ how angry I get. These thoughts were things that never came to mind before getting the elusive positive and I am ready for it to stop. The thing is… I don’t think they will. Even if everything looks good on our 7week ultrasound next week, I am still going to worry until the next one, and the next one, and the next one. I think that people who have gone through infertility may not ever feel the utter and completely pure joy of being pregnant. We have been through hell and back to get to this point and we are scared shitless that something will happen, go through that heartache and then have to go through it all again. I obviously don’t know from personal experience but the difference in a pregnancy between a fertile and an infertile has got to be quite different. 

Anyways, that’s my random post of pointless blabbering. Now off to enjoy some pizza with my awesome husband and dread the work week beginning! I hope everyone has had an awesome weekend and is staying warm!!


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New year… no resolutions

My resolution every year is the same: lose weight. I did pretty good this year losing 30lbs (technically only 24 since Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas really fucked me up). This year, however, I can not have that resolution. I. Am. Pregnant.

I have taken approximately 7 tests in the last 9 days and they all come up positive. I am unable to rely on any true symptoms since I am only 5 weeks 2 days but every now and then I get something and feel a bit reassured. Then it goes away and I panic. I was talking to my mother yesterday about it and she had ZERO trouble conceiving so she doesn’t understand and it only frustrates me more when I try to explain it. 

Trying to explain that I don’t like talking about me being pregnant… not yet at least. Whether the fact that it was this phantom thing that I never thought was attainable and now I have it or I just don’t truly believe it, I don’t know but I don’t like talking out loud about it. It gives me more anxiety. 

Trying to explain how scary it is when a “symptom” totally disappears. Even though this is 1,000,000% normal. She tells me to ‘count my lucky stars’ that I feel fine. 

Trying to explain how I want to have the reassurance that something is actually happening. Rather than relying on two lines on a test. 

Trying to explain how I don’t feel like I hear other fertile’s feel when they find out they are pregnant. How every thought is surrounded by if this little bundle of cells is doubling appropriately. How every pain, stretch, gas bubble makes me think that this could be an ectopic pregnancy and it isn’t in my uterus. Or, if everything is going fine if maybe it is just a blighted ovum. 

Some of these fears will be put to bed in just 13 days (holy crap it’s taking forever), until then, it is a daily struggle. 

So, as I enter into 2014 I have hopes that this will be an amazing year where E and I’s dream actually does come true. No resolutions. No empty promises. Just the faith that this will be our year.