My resolution every year is the same: lose weight. I did pretty good this year losing 30lbs (technically only 24 since Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas really fucked me up). This year, however, I can not have that resolution. I. Am. Pregnant.
I have taken approximately 7 tests in the last 9 days and they all come up positive. I am unable to rely on any true symptoms since I am only 5 weeks 2 days but every now and then I get something and feel a bit reassured. Then it goes away and I panic. I was talking to my mother yesterday about it and she had ZERO trouble conceiving so she doesn’t understand and it only frustrates me more when I try to explain it.
Trying to explain that I don’t like talking about me being pregnant… not yet at least. Whether the fact that it was this phantom thing that I never thought was attainable and now I have it or I just don’t truly believe it, I don’t know but I don’t like talking out loud about it. It gives me more anxiety.
Trying to explain how scary it is when a “symptom” totally disappears. Even though this is 1,000,000% normal. She tells me to ‘count my lucky stars’ that I feel fine.
Trying to explain how I want to have the reassurance that something is actually happening. Rather than relying on two lines on a test.
Trying to explain how I don’t feel like I hear other fertile’s feel when they find out they are pregnant. How every thought is surrounded by if this little bundle of cells is doubling appropriately. How every pain, stretch, gas bubble makes me think that this could be an ectopic pregnancy and it isn’t in my uterus. Or, if everything is going fine if maybe it is just a blighted ovum.
Some of these fears will be put to bed in just 13 days (holy crap it’s taking forever), until then, it is a daily struggle.
So, as I enter into 2014 I have hopes that this will be an amazing year where E and I’s dream actually does come true. No resolutions. No empty promises. Just the faith that this will be our year.