"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

New year… no resolutions


My resolution every year is the same: lose weight. I did pretty good this year losing 30lbs (technically only 24 since Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas really fucked me up). This year, however, I can not have that resolution. I. Am. Pregnant.

I have taken approximately 7 tests in the last 9 days and they all come up positive. I am unable to rely on any true symptoms since I am only 5 weeks 2 days but every now and then I get something and feel a bit reassured. Then it goes away and I panic. I was talking to my mother yesterday about it and she had ZERO trouble conceiving so she doesn’t understand and it only frustrates me more when I try to explain it. 

Trying to explain that I don’t like talking about me being pregnant… not yet at least. Whether the fact that it was this phantom thing that I never thought was attainable and now I have it or I just don’t truly believe it, I don’t know but I don’t like talking out loud about it. It gives me more anxiety. 

Trying to explain how scary it is when a “symptom” totally disappears. Even though this is 1,000,000% normal. She tells me to ‘count my lucky stars’ that I feel fine. 

Trying to explain how I want to have the reassurance that something is actually happening. Rather than relying on two lines on a test. 

Trying to explain how I don’t feel like I hear other fertile’s feel when they find out they are pregnant. How every thought is surrounded by if this little bundle of cells is doubling appropriately. How every pain, stretch, gas bubble makes me think that this could be an ectopic pregnancy and it isn’t in my uterus. Or, if everything is going fine if maybe it is just a blighted ovum. 

Some of these fears will be put to bed in just 13 days (holy crap it’s taking forever), until then, it is a daily struggle. 

So, as I enter into 2014 I have hopes that this will be an amazing year where E and I’s dream actually does come true. No resolutions. No empty promises. Just the faith that this will be our year. 

11 thoughts on “New year… no resolutions

  1. While I can’t understand completely, I can relate partly. When I found out I was pregnant, my cousin had just found out she was pregnant. A week or so before my first appointment, she miscarried. I had hardly any symptoms, at that point, and I literally freaked out. I thought something was going horribly wrong with the pregnancy because I wasn’t nauseous, I felt fine, for the most part and any symptom I did have, faded away. Thankfully, everything was fine and I had a good pregnancy but I can certainly understand your fears, given everything you and E have gone through to have this baby. I am praying that everything looks good in 13 days and that you will continue to have a healthy pregnancy. :hug:

  2. Roll on these early scans! I really hope it goes quickly for you and that you continue to feel well. In my first pregnany with my daughter I had no symptoms and felt exactly like this when people around me said they felt sick or pain or whatever. There is no rhyme or reason to who gets symptoms and who doesn’t so try not to dwell on it too much (from the biggest dweller of all!!) xx

  3. Hey doll, I am hoping things get easier…that you’ll be able to enjoy the little life you are growing!!! Thinking of you for 2014, and can’t wait until that bundle of joy is welcomed to world!!

  4. It is hard. Sometimes I’m still in complete shock. It doesn’t seem real that I’m pregnant. I think you’ll probably get some more symptoms coming up.

    • I hope so! Today I feel completely normal and I hate it! I don’t even have the urge to eat constantly (I am not complaining about that though lol). I just wish they were more consistent already 🙂

  5. I am hoping with you friend! This is so exciting! God does give good miracles. I’m here for every step of the journey. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to convince myself that I’m actually pregnant. Still feels somewhat surreal sometimes even though my belly is showing

  6. I keep telling people “I’d feel better if I felt worse.” It’s hard not to equate symptoms (specifically morning sickness) with a healthy pregnancy. I rejoice when I feel crappy and worry when I don’t. It’s something that normal fertile people will never understand. I hope you start to feel awful soon! 😉

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