I have essentially turned myself into a little hermit ever since getting our BFP. I still don’t believe it. I still don’t feel any different. I still have no indication, after my first two betas, that things are progressing. I am still driving myself fucking insane.
The other day E and I were talking about a big purchase and I got frustrated and said “are you crazy?! We are going to have a baby in 8 months” queue 5 second pause “hopefully”. He looked at me and laughed and said “oh was that a shred of optimism for a second?!?” I feel awful feeling this way. Expecting there to be blood every time I go to the bathroom. Expecting something to go wrong. It’s not healthy for me and it’s not healthy for the miracle inside of me.
I still hate talking about it and I can’t bring myself to say “I’m pregnant” out loud. I fear anything I do or say is going to jinx it even though I know it has NOTHING do to with my actions. If my little miracle isn’t going to stay with me, at this point, there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I am doing everything possible, besides being worried, to keep this pregnancy going. I am being so careful with everything I do, am using my progesterone suppositories diligently and even though I have had a few not so healthy things to eat, for the most part I am doing good in that department too.
I need to let go. I really, really do. I am just having trouble doing so. Tomorrow should be 6 weeks. I will pee on another stick just to make sure it is still nice and dark (something E asked me to do so we can both be “reassured” – yea because that lasts about an hour) and hope that these next 8 days fly by so we can get to our viability ultrasound. Thank god the appointment is at 8am. I can’t imagine if it was in the middle of the day LOL
I really never imagined feeling this way. I think that is part of the problem: this was unexpected. I never thought I would feel anything but elated when I received my BFP. Never in a million years did I think that talking about being pregnant would cause so much anxiety within me. When my mother asks how I am feeling and I reply ‘completely normal’ how scared I get. And when she laughs and replies ‘that’s so amazing!!!’ how angry I get. These thoughts were things that never came to mind before getting the elusive positive and I am ready for it to stop. The thing is… I don’t think they will. Even if everything looks good on our 7week ultrasound next week, I am still going to worry until the next one, and the next one, and the next one. I think that people who have gone through infertility may not ever feel the utter and completely pure joy of being pregnant. We have been through hell and back to get to this point and we are scared shitless that something will happen, go through that heartache and then have to go through it all again. I obviously don’t know from personal experience but the difference in a pregnancy between a fertile and an infertile has got to be quite different.
Anyways, that’s my random post of pointless blabbering. Now off to enjoy some pizza with my awesome husband and dread the work week beginning! I hope everyone has had an awesome weekend and is staying warm!!