Today is 11 weeks. Day 77. 203 days to go.
I still don’t feel pregnant. After all the years and things we did to get here I want to feel pregnant. I wanted the sickness and big swollen boobs that most women get. I want to feel a part of this new club. In reality I don’t feel like I fit into either. I’m pregnant so I don’t feel like I’m solely in the infertility club and I don’t feel pregnant so I don’t feel like I am in the pregnancy club.
My mother and I got into a huge conversation earlier this week about how she thinks I am projecting and putting negative energy towards the baby. I don’t think I am. I am being realistic. There are SO many things that could go right or wrong. She thinks things are all unicorns shitting rainbows and that nothing could go wrong. I want to feel validated that even if I am not cramping or not spotting and things seem fine that, that could change in the drop of a hat. I tried explaining to her that when I say something that I am concerned about and she sweeps it under the rug without even listening to me and tells me to just be grateful and be positive that it really hurts me. Lets hope it sank in and she starts caring a little bit about my feelings more because I AM grateful. I am beyond grateful. It still doesn’t feel real that this actually is happening to me, to us.
I still don’t really talk about our little blob (a nickname that he/she was given at the 7 week ultrasound). I feel like anything I do is going to jinx it but today I was forced to talk about the future.
One of my best friends, who is also my neighbor and one of the very few ppl that knows, called me up this morning to invite E and I to dinner. We haven’t spoken as often as we use to and I think it’s because she needs her space. They got pregnant on their first try and she had a missed miscarriage, found at the 12 week ultrasound, back in July 2013. They started trying again when they got the go-ahead from the doctor but nothing has happened yet. It’s been a very sensitive situation. Well after the dinner planning she says “so, I am throwing you a baby shower.” Just matter-of-fact like. I was completely taken a-back. I didn’t really think I would have a baby shower. I only really have one real friend up here (M) and other friends are in ATL so I just didn’t think that it would be something I got. I didn’t have any bridal showers before I got married so why would I have a baby shower?
M has so much going on this year. She is in 3 weddings and is throwing the bridal showers and bachelorette parties. I was flabbergasted that she was even thinking of me and wanting to throw me a shower. She said it would be a neighborhood thing and I could invite anyone from ATL. It’s going to be a very small amount of people but I still I can’t believe it. She then said “I was thinking June, what do you think?” I had to force myself to think that everything would be ok that far down the road. We settled on June 21st. I will be 30 weeks by then. It’s pretty hard to wrap my mind around.
I am so lucky to have her in my life and I really hope my best friend from ATL will be able to come.
She acknowledged that it was really early to talk about but since she has so much going on she wanted to get a date in her calendar so the wedding stuff didn’t book it. It was also nice talking to her about how she understands that things could go wrong. Just to have someone validate me is amazing.
10 days until my NT scan… I really hope that everything is ok with my baby blob and that he/she is growing beautifully. I am hoping once I have the scan and get the ‘ok’ from the doctor that I will be able to relax a little more and start to enjoy the idea of being pregnant. I really can’t know what is laying ahead of me and blob. I need to enjoy the time now. When I actually AM pregnant.
Happy Friday friends! I hope you all have a fabulous weekend 🙂