"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Yup. That just happened.

22 weeks 4 days. 122 days to go.

The allergies have been crazy. Seriously crazy here and since I have been pretty good about not taking meds unless I absolutely have to I haven’t wanted to take any allergy medication. I take benadryl once or twice a week at night so I can actually get some sleep and not have to deal with the allergies at night. Well, yesterday I was in my office before bed checking my emails for the night and then it happened. I sneezed. No big deal right? I have been sneezing 1000 times a day. Why was this any different? Well… I peed a little. I called out to E saying “aw, man! I can’t believe it! This isn’t suppose to happen till like the third trimester!!!” and his response was “uh-oh, what happened?” All I could do was laugh and say “I just peed a little with that sneeze”. He about died laughing. I am so glad he finds it hilarious and not going to lie, I thought it was pretty funny too 😉 It’s weirdly exciting to have all these things happen to you that you never thought you would get to experience. Bad or good. Maybe that makes me weird but I don’t care.

The rest of this is just going to be all over the place… sorry!

In other news I made an amazing lunch today. I have been devouring carbs like nobody’s business and so I have been trying to find some quick and easy recipes for lunch. I tried this today (http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2012/07/10-minute-lunches-mediterranean-chickpea-salad.html) and substituted the goat cheese for some fat free feta (pasteurized, of coarse) and it was delicious! I will definitely be adding it to my weekly rotation 🙂 

Only two days till our anatomy scan, pt 2! I am hoping this little man cooperates and lets us see his handsome face and beautiful heart/diaphragm this time. Plus I am excited to see how much bigger he got in the last month. I know he is getting stronger because I can feel it but I want to ask if his placement is ok. It seems like he has been in the same spot since week 18… he moves from my right side to the center of my stomach but I don’t feel like he is moving up at all so I want to ask about that too. 

I am still trying to prepare to go down to ATL this weekend. There is just so much to do! Not to mention trying to find appropriate maternity clothes to wear to work for 4 days is super hard without spending a fortune. Especially since that will be the ONLY time I wear those clothes. It’s hard going from working every day in yoga pants/pj’s to actually thinking about putting together an outfit that doesn’t involve jeans. Also, my first “baby shower” is while I am down there. I can’t tell you just how excited I am! It’s going to be mostly family with just a few friends but that is totally ok with me. I am just so excited I get to have one!!! It’s more of just a party than a baby shower (couples, no games, etc) but still… YAY! Getting the dogs ready is the second hardest part of all of this. The three small dogs are coming with us and our big foster is having to go stay with someone here. It’s a serious pain in the ass but not a whole lot I can do about it. I was just wishing he would have been adopted by now!

I am really procrastinating working. I have found it really hard over the past couple weeks. I just don’t want to do anything!! Well I guess that is enough randomness for one post. I will update again on Thursday after our scan and appointment 🙂


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One of my favorite radio hosts from Atlanta

When my mother moved my brother and I to Atlanta in 2001 for her to marry her new husband I was stripped of everything I ever knew. I was 14 and NOT happy. I loved my life in Tampa, loved absolutely everything about it. First year of high school, walking in with no friends and absolutely no idea what was in store for me. I also loved music and finding the right radio stations wasn’t hard. I love rap, pop and R&B and with being in the capital of that genre it was quite easy. I fell into a newish talk-show in the mornings while getting ready for school and in the car ride over… that started an 11 year relationship. I fell in love with the hosts and for the majority of the 11 years in Atlanta the hosts stayed the same. Towards the end the two women on the show moved on to other shows but I keep up with them on Facebook. 

One was Melissa Carter who is openly a Lesbian and has always been amazing at sharing her opinions on things from that angle. I just love her. She is honest and true to who she is. She is always insightful and simply a joy to listen to on the radio. I miss all of the original talk-show hosts from my favorite radio station but probably her the most 🙂 I was so excited to read via facebook last week that she and her partner are finally expecting a baby. I remember hearing about their first attempt failing and I was heartbroken for her. She posted an article this morning that she wrote and I just wanted to share! They both had egg retrievals and then have a surrogate carrying the baby. I can’t wait to follow along with her!!

http://thegavoice.com/melissa-carter-baby-yall/


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The joys of being a paranoid infertile pregnant woman

21 weeks 6 days. 127 days to go.

Yesterday I woke up with a dull burning sensation in the urethra area when walking/sitting and immediately thought: “oh great, a UTI” even though I didn’t have any issues with going to the bathroom. As the morning progressed the burning got worse and I had some more than normal clear liquid discharge. My infertile brain went to exactly to the worst… OMG THAT IS AMNIOTIC FLUID! I called my OB and told them about the burning and that I thought maybe it was a UTI but I was worried about the excess fluid. The receptionist took my concerns and said they would put a message into the nurses. 8 whole hours later (I was so not happy about the wait!) I got a call back from a nurse who obviously thought I was seriously overreacting and tried to fluff it off as a possible UTI and scheduled me for a urinalysis for this morning. Why do these nurses not take people seriously, are my concerns not valid? I understand I go to the worst case scenario but those things DO happen which is why I am concerned… ugh

Fast forward to this morning. A little less burning and less discharge but I was still super paranoid. Couple this with the fact that baby boy moved from my right side to the middle and I can’t feel him as well now so that had me worried even though I know that this early is too early to rely on fetal movement as any type of indicator. 

I get to the office, give my sample which is negative so I actually got to see a doctor which means I got to hear Grant 🙂 His HB was in the 150’s today and it is always so amazing to hear. Today was the first time my stomach was measured and he said I am right on track with that so that’s good. My BP was still good (117/72) and weight is still on track (up 2 ounces since my appointment with them 3 weeks ago). 

He did an external exam and told me a whole much of words that I don’t remember but essentially my glands are a little inflamed which is causing the burning when sitting/walking. So he called in an ointment to the pharmacy for me to go pick up today which he said should help with the burning and has a little yeast medication in it just in case. He did validate that the discharge I am seeing is in fact just discharge and not fluid. I really liked him (I hadn’t been seen by this partner before) and he was the only one that hasn’t dismissed my feelings or told me to ‘just relax’. I left feeling reassured which doesn’t happen all that often. 
 
Now, let’s see how long it takes before I have another minor freak-out 😉


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My little active baby boy

21 weeks 2 day. 131 days to go.

For about 2 weeks know I have confirmed that what I have been feeling is in fact, movement. I am pretty impressed that I started feeling him around 18 weeks, especially since I have an anterior placenta. It’s been awesome to be able to know that he is still thriving with every couple of days noticing that the movement is getting a little stronger. It’s really breath taking. I find myself smiling when I feel him move and kick even when I am by myself or in the middle of a conversation. People probably think I am crazy but whatever, I have waited so damn long for this I couldn’t care less. 

Today I got to feel him move for the first time while I was standing up. Normally it is just when I am sitting or laying down but I actually felt him while standing which was pretty cool. I am also pretty lucky in the sense that he is quite active which allows me to not freak out often. There are still days where he doesn’t move too much and I get nervous but if I lay on my back or eat something sweet I can usually get him to move just to let me know he is ok. 

Now if we can just get to the point of being able to feel him from the outside. E is dying to feel him and tries every single night. It’s pretty sad that baby boy will be moving like crazy and E can’t even feel it. Stupid anterior placenta! I really hope that it won’t be too much longer. It’s such an incredible feeling and I feel selfish that my husband hasn’t been able to experience it yet and I have. Plus, I am dying to see the look on his face when it actually happens 🙂

Just 10 days till I get to see this little boy again and I can’t wait. There are so many aspects of being pregnant where I can’t wait for it to be over. I am still so nervous that something is going to go wrong and since we aren’t in the ‘viability’ window yet it is just nerve wrecking. I don’t think I go a day without worrying. Not to mention I just want to hold my baby in my arms. However, there are other aspects where I don’t want this to ever end. I am not sure if we will ever be able to have a second child so I want to savor all of these milestones and feelings. I want to be able to remember every thing that happens and how I felt. Blogging has been so amazing for that. I have been taking blog entries and putting them into a shutterfly photo book along with ultrasound picture, how we revealed we were pregnant, how we revealed we were having a boy and plan to put our shower invites with pictures and then a final page of our new baby boy with whatever blog my first blog entry is after he is born. It’s so awesome, even now, going back and reading what happened on the day of our successful IUI, how I felt the exact moment I got the BFP at home, what it was like experiencing our 7 week ultrasound and hearing that amazing heartbeat for the first time and so on. To see pictures along with the stories is going to be something so special.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and an easy week ahead of you. 

xo


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I miss my taste-buds

I love eating. My size is evident of that and I have been really good with this whole pregnancy weight thing. I am still down from my pre-pregnancy weight (even if it is only 1lb down… it counts!) and I will be 21 weeks tomorrow. However, nothing tastes normal other than junk food. Chips, chocolate, cake, grape fanta (wow, how I wish I could have this every day! Once every week or 2 is just torture), and ice cream all taste perfectly normal and delicious. Fruit, chicken, steak, tuna, vegetables, greek yogurt, and almost everything else either doesn’t taste good or doesn’t taste right. 

I have been obsessed with pineapple the last couple weeks bc it is the only fruit that tasted normal and was just oh so delicious. Yesterday I sat down with my bowl full of freshly cut pineapple as my afternoon snack took one bite and tasted mango. WTF?! I thought that maybe it was just that one piece but nope, my whole bowl tasted like mango instead of pineapple. Then last night I was lazy and didn’t cook so E and I had tunafish sandwiches which tasted horrid… even on a bagel with cheese on top. I went back to my pineapple (opened another container since I buy a lot of it fresh from the store) and that pineapple tasted like mango too!!!! 

I. Love. Food. I want it back to normal. Either that or I want to be able to eat all the junk food out there to satisfy my taste-buds!


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Oh the gas and other things

20 weeks 4 days. 136 days to go.

I have said all along that I have been one of the “lucky” ones with this whole pregnancy thing. Almost zero symptoms. I still feel like myself for 95% of the time, which is awesome. I have had little things that are pretty easy to deal with; low back pain, serious trouble sleeping, a trigger point in my shoulder that occasionally feels as if a searing hot spear is being shoved through it, hunger, constant peeing and lingering constipation. Last night however I had some of the worst gas pains in my life. They were horrible! I felt like my insides were trying to claw out of my stomach. I have no idea what brought it on but it wasn’t pretty… after about 10 minutes of this horrible pain the gas started making its way out and I slowly started to get some relief. Now I seem to be nervous to eat anything though for fear that it will bring the gas back! It’s a cruel, cruel world.

In other news – I got some AMAZING news last night that one of my good friends and fellow infertility blogger got her BFP last night. I am so incredibly happy for her it’s not even funny! I can’t wait till she is able to update her blog in the next couple days. It’s just so exciting. There have been so many BFP’s around here lately. It is so encouraging and gives me so much hope for everyone struggling with IF that they will all be blessed with those two beautiful lines. 

Also… my best friend told me yesterday that she was sending out my shower invites!! I can’t believe it will be in 3.5 weeks! That’s so crazy. I finally finished our registry (at least I think I did…) and we have started getting some gifts already. I think the best one we have received so far was something we hadn’t registered for. It’s called the Snuza and with my anxiety over everything, SIDS has been a big concern of mine so this was such an amazing gift. I didn’t even know this thing existed! I thought the only thing on the market was the breathing “pads” that the baby lays on. I am so grateful for this!!!

Not much else going on around here… I hope everyone is doing well and baby dust to all!!


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Belly progression picture

I have only been taking monthly bump pictures, not weekly and while I feel bigger it’s amazing to see the difference in what I look like in pictures… I haven’t shared any of these yet so since today marks the half way point, I thought I would 🙂 I hope all you wonderful ladies have a fabulous weekend!

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Feeling connected

19 weeks 5 days. 142 days to go.

Lately I have been having trouble feeling connected to anything and everyone. Including our little boy. I still think what I am feeling is movement and believe that I have felt a few actual kicks yet I still feel a little detached.

I love my body right now and my baby bump and I sport it proudly. I have always been self conscious about my body and for whatever reason getting bigger now is only making me feel better in that aspect of things.

Even though that has been good I have felt stressed, angry and have very little patience lately. Poor E has been getting the brunt of it. Money has been a big problem lately as we are going to be incurring an approximate $7000 bill for our taxes that were done last year incorrectly. That is essentially my entire maternity leave money. It’s heartbreaking and now we are both on edge about what we are going to do. With my maternity leave, the $7k for last years taxes, $1500 for this years taxes and a couple grand for baby items, we would be draining our savings that we have worked for so long and hard to create. Oh and lets not forget all the medical bills we are still paying off with our infertility stuff and now with the OB charges. We would essentially not have any money left over for emergencies for either of our houses. I am not too concerned about our current house but the house we are renting is going to be in need of a new HVAC unit soon and a new roof. Hopefully those things can wait till next year but you never know when something catastrophic is going to happen and they will need to happen sooner. 

That’s where most of all of this is stemming from, I’m sure. It’s just so awful that money rules the world. It’s incredibly depressing.

I have been wanting nothing more than to stay on the couch. I haven’t been going on my daily walks and haven’t spoken to anyone outside of the dogs and Evan since Sunday. I haven’t even wanted to talk to our baby boy. I know at this point they say he can hear me and that it’s good to start talking to him but I just can’t seem to do it. I had envisioned already reading books to him and telling him all about my day but I feel that since I don’t feel positive I don’t want to talk to him about negative things. Even though it doesn’t make any sense since i am sure he can feel my anxiety/negativity anyways. 

I really hope that this passes soon and I come to the realization that it will all work out and hope that we get some assistance on baby things from family so we don’t have to put out as much money as we need to. 

I try to keep this blog as positive as possible but I just had to get this out today. Sorry!


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Today’s update

In short: Everything looks perfect and the baby cooperated… 

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Here is the pretty definitive proof of his manhood

ImageHe was apparently sleeping during the scan and was facing my spine so they didn’t get a good picture of his heart, diaphragm or facial bones so at my next appt (4 weeks) we will do another scan. I am so sad about that, another chance to see my baby? Psh, no thank you! 😉 His heartrate was great (135) and so they weren’t concerned with anything they just need to make sure that it’s all good. I am so excited and relieved that everything is ok. Seriously on cloud 9 ❤