"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Anxious and excited

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18 weeks 4 days. 150 days to go.

Only two days until our next ultrasound. Thursday at 1:30pm we should be seeing our little blob again. I have been counting down the years, months, weeks, days, hours for this day. To see our baby looking like a real baby. To be able to refer to him/her as him or her. So why am I so incredibly nervous and anxious about the appointment?

13 days ago I had an appointment and we heard a beautiful heartbeat. They found it right away and it was steady and strong. It echoed in the room loud and dominate like he/she was making their presence known. It was awesome. I wish I had recorded it just to listen to it every day. 

That was only 13 days ago. 13 days ago I was reassured that everything was going ok. I don’t like that I feel so unsure about how he/she is doing. I still *think* I am feeling movements but can’t be sure and it’s driving me crazy. I want some daily reassurances that he/she is still thriving. I know I am being impatient and my mother keeps telling me that I ‘really need to relax because you’re causing yourself unnecessary stress” which is probably true but I can’t help it. I so wish I could. Only two days. I can make it two more days.

Setting aside the anxious, nervous piece I truly am excited about this appointment. E and I are both taking a half day off of work to go to lunch together before the appointment and then to, hopefully, register afterwards. We are finding out what we are having as long as the little one cooperates. This is how I want the appointment to go: See the rapid movement of a strong heartbeat, see the little one move and hear that he/she looks perfect and then finally have this little bean go all spread eagle 😉 In a perfect world this will be the case. 

Most days I wish I could have a permanent ultrasound attached to me so I could keep an eye on everything. I haven’t seen this bean in 5 weeks and I am not sure how I am going to handle fewer ultrasounds. Does every pregnant woman go through this constant anxiety or does the infertile mind make this journey so much harder? When I was going through all the treatments all I could think about was how fucking happy I would be to be pregnant. I never thought that going through the three years of failed cycles would impact a pregnancy so much. That there would be days of debilitating fear, complete panic attacks or an oddly weird depression.

Most of the time I am overjoyed. So incredibly thankful that this has finally happened to us. To see my husband light up every time he touches my belly or talks about doing something for the baby makes me want to cry with happiness. We are finally getting to experience this miracle and I shouldn’t be looking over my shoulder for something bad to happen. I can’t change anything. I need to embrace this. To cherish every second. 

Two days. I can make it two more day.

2 thoughts on “Anxious and excited

  1. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I’m just the same. I’m “only” 12 weeks along and the waits between ultrasounds are sometimes torturous. I still got all the testing ahead of me which I’m quite anxious about. I’d hate to have come this far to be told something’s off. Obviously, I’m trying to think positive, but I think once you’ve gone through infertility and miscarriage you are just not as “blue-eyed” anymore, unfortunately. I’m sure your baby is fine, but I can understand your anxiety. Hang in there and I’m looking forward to your next post 🙂

  2. Oh I’m so excited for you! I think it is this nerve wracking because we are used to bad news. still, everything sounds fabulous for this little one!

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