19 weeks 5 days. 142 days to go.
Lately I have been having trouble feeling connected to anything and everyone. Including our little boy. I still think what I am feeling is movement and believe that I have felt a few actual kicks yet I still feel a little detached.
I love my body right now and my baby bump and I sport it proudly. I have always been self conscious about my body and for whatever reason getting bigger now is only making me feel better in that aspect of things.
Even though that has been good I have felt stressed, angry and have very little patience lately. Poor E has been getting the brunt of it. Money has been a big problem lately as we are going to be incurring an approximate $7000 bill for our taxes that were done last year incorrectly. That is essentially my entire maternity leave money. It’s heartbreaking and now we are both on edge about what we are going to do. With my maternity leave, the $7k for last years taxes, $1500 for this years taxes and a couple grand for baby items, we would be draining our savings that we have worked for so long and hard to create. Oh and lets not forget all the medical bills we are still paying off with our infertility stuff and now with the OB charges. We would essentially not have any money left over for emergencies for either of our houses. I am not too concerned about our current house but the house we are renting is going to be in need of a new HVAC unit soon and a new roof. Hopefully those things can wait till next year but you never know when something catastrophic is going to happen and they will need to happen sooner.
That’s where most of all of this is stemming from, I’m sure. It’s just so awful that money rules the world. It’s incredibly depressing.
I have been wanting nothing more than to stay on the couch. I haven’t been going on my daily walks and haven’t spoken to anyone outside of the dogs and Evan since Sunday. I haven’t even wanted to talk to our baby boy. I know at this point they say he can hear me and that it’s good to start talking to him but I just can’t seem to do it. I had envisioned already reading books to him and telling him all about my day but I feel that since I don’t feel positive I don’t want to talk to him about negative things. Even though it doesn’t make any sense since i am sure he can feel my anxiety/negativity anyways.
I really hope that this passes soon and I come to the realization that it will all work out and hope that we get some assistance on baby things from family so we don’t have to put out as much money as we need to.
I try to keep this blog as positive as possible but I just had to get this out today. Sorry!