"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Silly fear?

26 weeks 5 days. 93 days to go.

Most people at this stage of the game are probably beginning to think about delivery and all the fears surrounding birth and having a new baby. I am not scared of any of that… my biggest fear is something that I haven’t voiced out loud to anyone. Well, that’s not entirely true. I said it jokingly to E last night and I don’t think he knows that it is a real thing that I have been thinking about. 

Most of you will probably think I am crazy, not understand or write me off completely. That’s ok. I am pretty sure it is a stupid fear and once baby boy is here there will be no question about it. What is this fear you ask? Well… I am scared I am not going to love my baby as much as I love my dogs. Yup. I just said that.

Now, let me take it back a step. I have been an animal love my entire life. I can’t even remember when I fell in love with them, it has just always been a part of me. I have had pets since as long as I remember and as soon as I was able to get a job I got one working in a kennel and worked my way up to a vet tech. I was dead set on becoming a vet when I was younger and then once I assisted in my first euthanasia I knew I could never do it. Granted for every terminal or elderly pet that had to be put down there were 20 other great successes but for 4 years each time we had to put down an animal I bawled like he/she was my own and it affected me greatly. 

Luckily I found a man who loves animals, dogs in particular, just as much as I do. E doesn’t think I am crazy when I talk about “my babies” and all the things we do for them. How they are treated and how I notice all their quirks. He thinks they are just as cute and loves them just as much. 

After two years of trying to get pregnant and receiving the news that while there were some things “off” about both E and I in the reproductive front but they couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working I really turned to my dogs for comfort. They have always been there for me. They love on me when I am sad, kiss away my tears when I cry and are always able to make me smile. They are so incredibly silly and not a day goes by that I don’t laugh at something they do. There are just no words to describe how much I love them. Along with E, they are my entire world. I would do anything for them, absolutely anything. 

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About two weeks ago I was sitting in the recliner with all three little ones in my lap snoring away. I picked up my frenchie and cradled her like a baby and as she stared at me with sleepy, lazy eyes I got nervous and thought “will I love my baby as much as I love this little dog?” I immediately was completely ashamed of myself for even thinking such a thing. How long have I dreamed of a baby? Of starting a family with my amazing husband? Of imagining cradling a baby and not just a dog? How on earth am I having this thought? Of coarse I will love my baby just as much… more.. than I do my fur-babies. But the thought hasn’t left me and I think I am really letting it eat at me. 

I think it stems down to a couple things:

1) Maybe more of a fear of I don’t want the dogs to be neglected when the baby comes? They do great when I have my friends and their kids over and have been great when I have held babies (they just lay around me instead of on me).

2) Maybe it is the opposite of what I am thinking and I am really scared that I won’t love the dogs as much as I love the baby??

All I know is that this has been something that I have been too afraid to tell anyone about because I am too scared about being judged and I really find it hard to admit to myself that I am thinking this. After watching an older video of my furbabies playing this morning I just started bawling and had to get it out… what else is an anonymous blog good for ;)?

I am sure once the little man arrives we will figure out a routine, I will have plenty of love to go around and this will all be a funny memory to look back on and shake my head about all the crazy thoughts I had when pregnant.


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What a waste of a Sunday

Well after a long ass day I feel I should have just stayed home. I have been “sick” for almost a month now with a cough and sinus infection. I was put on antibiotics for a week and things started to get better but a couple days ago I got the bad cough back and my snot started turning green again 😦 Additionally last night I had dark green EWCM and some itching started… JOY!

I have always read that if there was a serious change in discharge to call so I ended up calling the nurses hotline because I knew that the office was closed tomorrow and didn’t really want to wait until Tuesday in case it was something they thought should be seen. So, the nurse said she wasn’t really sure but with odd discharge and the office being closed tomorrow she advised going to urgent care.

Off I went and the wait was crazy but I stayed. This was where the big mistake came in. The dr I saw at urgent care did a cervical swab and said there is a little bit of yeast (found under the microscope) and she saw the green discharge I was describing along with some other discharge that she wasn’t sure what was what. She started throwing around words like amniotic fluid and saying that if the baby pooped it could cause green discharge (even though she said my cervix was closed) and that she didn’t feel comfortable saying everything was fine so advised me to go to the hospital.

Queue this infertile mind going into panic mode.

I called E and he was ready when I got home and off to the hospital we went. The L&D triage took me immediately and I was hooked up to all kinds of monitors (I was incredibly impressed with the hospital I will be delivering at, this was my first time there and I am crazy happy with them). We found/heard baby boy immediately and he apparently wasnt a fan of the machines because he started kicking like crazy… it was so cool to hear on the monitors. My OB’s oncall midwife was in the room in about 10 minutes and said she was sure everything was fine and said that the afterhours nurses they have aren’t always the brightest and she probably should have told me to wait until Tuesday but that they would check everything out just to be sure. She said she just felt bad that I am going to have an urgent care charge and a hospital charge. They monitored baby for an hour and everything was perfect with him. Then she did another cervical after she read the notes from the urgent care doc and confirmed it was the start of a yeast infection and said what a moron the urgent care doc was. She said that when anyone outside of “OB” hears the word pregnant they never want to take responsibility and so it isn’t great to go to anyone outside of them for that reason.

ImageE’s name tag he had to wear while we were at the hospital

I didn’t feel like I had a choice though. So while it was a pain in the ass that we had to spend the majority of our Sunday doing this and will be getting bills for lord knows how much, I am really glad we did. When someone throws those words around and hears that the professional doesnt feel comfortable, I don’t know of any expectant mom who wouldn’t go to the hospital to make sure all was ok. Let alone someone who has gone through infertility! So I have monistat for the next 7 days and she told me to take it easy and that’s that!

Oh and no one cares about my cough… They both said to just wait it out…

Hopefully tomorrow will be more relaxing!


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Had my first hormone meltdown last night

It happened… the uncontrollable sobbing over something so insignificant. I was making ravioli for dinner last night and was pretty excited about it. All I want is carbs and I love cheese, so carbs + cheese is like heaven for me. They were all cooked and ready to be drained when E walked in the door. I timed dinner PERFECTLY which made what happened even worse. As I was carefully pouring the ravioli into the colander to drain them, hot water splashed on my hand and I lost the grip on the colander containing 3/4 of delicious carb cheesiness. They went all into the sick 😦 I looked at our ruined dinner and turned around to look at DH and just bawled. Poor guy had no idea what to do. He kept telling me that it was fine and that he would go to the store to get more and hugging me. Nothing was working, all I did was cry. The crazy ugly cry. I was so hungry that I didn’t want him to go to the store so after I calmed down a little we made sandwiches and that was that. 

About an hour later, we were sitting on the couch watching Game of Thrones and E turned and looked at me and asked if I was ok. When I said yes he smiled and said, “that was pretty crazy… that was the pregnancy hormones, right??” I still didn’t find it all that funny but I just said “I damn sure hope so because that was insane.” This morning I can laugh about it but last night I was seriously heartbroken over my spilled ravioli!!!
 
Needless to say I will be going to the store after work today to get more ravioli for tomorrow night’s dinner (already have plans tonight) and will be much, much more careful when draining them! 


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I took the plunge… into Essential Oils

After my best friend swearing up and down about Young Living’s Essential Oils and looking into them myself I have decided to take the plunge! I purchased the typical starter kit and get 11 oils, an air diffuser and some samples of oils. I am really excited to get them after reading such good things about them. I am all for using natural over chemical when possible but what really got to me is the calming aspect several of these oils have.

I haven’t been shy about the fact that I am an incredibly anxious person. Bordering OCD on certain things and while I can recognize it I can’t seem to stop it once it has started. Before the pregnancy I was managing the bad episodes with klonopin but having the oils around could potentially replace that. I have had several instances this pregnancy where I could feel my blood pressure rising, recognize the increased breathing and the swishing going on in my head over something I couldn’t control and the subsequent panic attack was not fun getting over without the aid of anything… I have this image in my head with using certain oils to control it over medications. A girl can hope, right?

Also, I have heard wonderful things about aiding in labor relaxation among other aspects of labor and being able to use them with babies.

Really, the only downside I have been able to find is that it is somewhat pricey. Some of the oils I would like to get are just way too expensive for me purchase. Others I know I will be able to swing but wow. I know you pay for quality but I need to keep some money in my pocket 😉

I know a few of you use EO’s… care to share what you love about them most and what you have found to me most useful??

Here are the 11 oils I am getting:

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Baby showers and finally reaching viability!

Has it really only been a week and a half since I last wrote? It feels like weeks!

My trip to Atlanta for work was nice but exhausting. It was amazing to see all my co-workers from across the USA and the content of the meetings was good overall. It was just the fact that it was three days worth of 12 hours of meetings that was draining. The amazing part was they threw me a surprise baby shower during one of our breaks! I was SO incredibly surprised. It was completely out of left field and I am still incredibly humbled by their generosity.

I got this beautiful basket of goodies, a huge array of my favorite treats from Nothing Bundt Cakes and a $600 gift card. They are all truly amazing and am so thankful that I have them all in my life.

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After my meetings I headed to my mom’s house where I got to see my girls again! It’s amazing being without my dogs for just a few short days really makes me miss them terribly. We did have a small issue when all the grandparents arrived Thursday afternoon and forgot to close the door. Shana got out and was missing for about an hour. I noticed probably 10 minutes after it happened and spent the next 45 minutes running up and down hills, crying and screaming for her. I was a serious mess. After sweating and panting like crazy I went back to the house to just double check that she wasn’t hiding there and 2 minutes later my mother walked in the door with Shana in her arms. Apparently Shana wandered into a neighbor’s open fence gate. This neighbor knows our family loves pugs so she called my mom and asked if we were looking for one. Such a blessing… with her medical problems and the sheer heat of the day I was convinced that she had just collapsed and we weren’t going to find her. All the exertion and stress caused me to have my first round of braxton hicks for the next three hours but I got my girl back and she was physically fine after I got her cooled down and got a muscle relaxer in her.

Friday the rest of my family came in and I hit 24 weeks! We are finally in the “viability” stage of pregnancy!! I am just so happy about this. Believe me, I want this little boy to continue cooking for a good 16 more weeks but it is so nice to know that if, god forbid, he had to come early that there is a chance he would be ok with the proper medical help. 24 weeks also marked the first day of ankle/feet swelling! Woohoo! I have a pretty amazing hubby who rubbed my feet and legs though and it felt amazing. I have a feeling I will be living in compression socks for the rest of this pregnancy!

Saturday was my baby shower day and it was spent prepping everything possible with my mother. It ended up raining all day but there weren’t too many people coming so we fit inside just fine. The night was incredible and my best friend did an amazing job with everything. I truly couldn’t imagine a better night. We got some amazing gifts and this little man is going to be seriously spoiled!

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ImageMy best friend is also super crafty and made me this onsie… I told her she is going to have to make one in every size!!!!

ImageAnd of coarse I had to get my girls in on the pictures!

ImageImageImageAnd my adorable cake that had “baby boy” written on a banner as the cake topped

ImageIt’s really hard getting back into the swing of a regular work week! I just want to stare at all the adorable baby things and dream of my little boy using it all!

 


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“He looks perfect”

22 weeks 6 days. 120 days to go.

I don’t think I will ever get use to hearing those words. “He looks perfect.” Every appointment I go in nervous as can be only to hear such reassurances as;

“Your blood pressure is still low, you’re doing awesome with your weight and you are measuring right on track.”

“Your baby looks perfect. He is measuring right on track and things good great.”

I know that all of that can change at the drop of a hat but if I am lucky to continue to hear such reports it will be a gift from God. Today was part two of our anatomy scan and baby boy was pretty cooperative today and we got beautiful views of his heart, diaphragm and upper lip. He is measuring right on track and is weighing in at 1.4lbs!! My stats are doing pretty great too… BP was 110/68 and I lost a pound since my last appointment. The doctor is overall very pleased with how I am doing and I am just ecstatic that things are going so well.

I am still barely sleeping and my back has really started to bother me but nothing I can really do about those things. I started doing some pregnancy safe stretches for my back/hips and I think it may be helping a little. I also bit the bullet and started taking some allergy medication because I am having some serious sneezing issues.

They turned on the 4D imaging while we were getting our ultrasound for the first time and while it isn’t a great picture it was still amazing to see. I am so in love ❤

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