26 weeks 5 days. 93 days to go.
Most people at this stage of the game are probably beginning to think about delivery and all the fears surrounding birth and having a new baby. I am not scared of any of that… my biggest fear is something that I haven’t voiced out loud to anyone. Well, that’s not entirely true. I said it jokingly to E last night and I don’t think he knows that it is a real thing that I have been thinking about.
Most of you will probably think I am crazy, not understand or write me off completely. That’s ok. I am pretty sure it is a stupid fear and once baby boy is here there will be no question about it. What is this fear you ask? Well… I am scared I am not going to love my baby as much as I love my dogs. Yup. I just said that.
Now, let me take it back a step. I have been an animal love my entire life. I can’t even remember when I fell in love with them, it has just always been a part of me. I have had pets since as long as I remember and as soon as I was able to get a job I got one working in a kennel and worked my way up to a vet tech. I was dead set on becoming a vet when I was younger and then once I assisted in my first euthanasia I knew I could never do it. Granted for every terminal or elderly pet that had to be put down there were 20 other great successes but for 4 years each time we had to put down an animal I bawled like he/she was my own and it affected me greatly.
Luckily I found a man who loves animals, dogs in particular, just as much as I do. E doesn’t think I am crazy when I talk about “my babies” and all the things we do for them. How they are treated and how I notice all their quirks. He thinks they are just as cute and loves them just as much.
After two years of trying to get pregnant and receiving the news that while there were some things “off” about both E and I in the reproductive front but they couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working I really turned to my dogs for comfort. They have always been there for me. They love on me when I am sad, kiss away my tears when I cry and are always able to make me smile. They are so incredibly silly and not a day goes by that I don’t laugh at something they do. There are just no words to describe how much I love them. Along with E, they are my entire world. I would do anything for them, absolutely anything.
About two weeks ago I was sitting in the recliner with all three little ones in my lap snoring away. I picked up my frenchie and cradled her like a baby and as she stared at me with sleepy, lazy eyes I got nervous and thought “will I love my baby as much as I love this little dog?” I immediately was completely ashamed of myself for even thinking such a thing. How long have I dreamed of a baby? Of starting a family with my amazing husband? Of imagining cradling a baby and not just a dog? How on earth am I having this thought? Of coarse I will love my baby just as much… more.. than I do my fur-babies. But the thought hasn’t left me and I think I am really letting it eat at me.
I think it stems down to a couple things:
1) Maybe more of a fear of I don’t want the dogs to be neglected when the baby comes? They do great when I have my friends and their kids over and have been great when I have held babies (they just lay around me instead of on me).
2) Maybe it is the opposite of what I am thinking and I am really scared that I won’t love the dogs as much as I love the baby??
All I know is that this has been something that I have been too afraid to tell anyone about because I am too scared about being judged and I really find it hard to admit to myself that I am thinking this. After watching an older video of my furbabies playing this morning I just started bawling and had to get it out… what else is an anonymous blog good for ;)?
I am sure once the little man arrives we will figure out a routine, I will have plenty of love to go around and this will all be a funny memory to look back on and shake my head about all the crazy thoughts I had when pregnant.