"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


We finished the nursery!

35 weeks 3 days. 32 days to go.

I am so excited that we finished the nursery this weekend!! I wanted it complete before little man gets here, even if he wont use it for a little while. Just something about having it completed. This room sat empty since the moment we moved into this house in September 2012. I knew it was slated to be a nursery and I refused to do anything with the room. It stayed stark empty. No paint on the walls, no furniture in the room and I even cringed when I put a few things in that closet. That was my baby’s room, I just knew it. 

When we finally got pregnant I couldn’t bare walking into the room. That was my baby’s room and I felt as if I did anything with it I would be jinxing everything. After the first trimester I felt a little better and started planning colors, where furniture would go and envisioning how it would all look. When it came time to paint I got serious cold feet… I had picked some bright colors for the walls to make it a total kids room and I just couldn’t do it when the time came. What if something happened? How would I make this room painted a beautiful fun shade of green into anything OTHER than a nursery? E and I went back and forth on it but I wouldn’t budge. We went with a nice beige color that could be coordinated with any type of room. I still don’t regret this decision. It allowed me to feel completely in control about the situation. 

After that, things just started coming together, slowly but surly and we finished yesterday by putting up the curtains. I love it all and the pictures don’t really do it justice. I can’t wait to show our son his room when he comes home in a few weeks!

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Remembering these special moments

34 weeks. 42 days to go.

Dear Baby G, 

As I was laying awake last night, staring at the ceiling at 3:45am, feeling you move so much you shook the mattress I couldn’t help but picture how different this is going to be in 6 weeks. How instead of staring at the ceiling I will be staring at your beautiful face for a nighttime feeding. I cannot wait to see you, hold you and be in awe by you. However, I have spent so much time focusing on meeting you that I don’t want to forget some of the special moments we have shared before even laying eyes on one another. I don’t even know where to start…

* Hearing your strong, incredibly loud, heartbeat at every doctor appointment. I look forward to it every single time and still can’t get over the sense of rightness I feel when I hear it. I never want to lose the sound of that beautiful beat.

* Feeling you move. It is the most incredible feeling in the entire world. I know you’re cramped in there but when I think about you no longer being protected inside of me, I shudder. Knowing you are there every second of every day by the pokes, jabs, rolls and full on ninja kicks makes my heart swell. 

I have spoken to women who say they miss being pregnant and I totally get it. I can’t imagine a life without you squirming around in there and I know I am going to miss feeling it every day.

* The moments you have already created for your daddy and I. The first time he felt you move was one of them. Last night was another. You were pretty active all day yesterday so after our walk I mentioned it and when we got into bed your dad asked if I would lay closer to him while I was reading so he could feel. Of coarse the first 10 minutes, you being your fathers son, you were being stubborn and didn’t move. Dad got discouraged and moved his hand. A couple minutes later you went crazy so I moved the light from my kindle onto my stomach and we both got to watch you roll and move body parts all over the place for quite a while. Then he put his hand back on and got to feel most of the movements too. It was a very special night that I want to remember forever.

Not just the movements but also the conversation. We have spent hours talking about you and what we think you’re going to be like. I personally think you will be exactly like your father but I won’t let him win that battle when we talk… not yet at least!

* The teeny tiny baby clothes. Doing your first load of laundry was so fun and cute! All those tiny outfits, socks and hats. I sat in the middle of your room with this huge pile of baby clothes and couldn’t fathom that you are going to be able to fit into them. I can’t wait to see you wear them all.

* The anticipation. I know it might sound odd to say I am going to miss the anticipation of meeting you but I really am. Your father and I waited so long to even get to the point of feeling anticipation, that discrediting it wouldn’t seem fair. As much as I can’t wait for you to be here, I appreciate all of the anticipation I feel every day while I await your arrival. 

These are just a few of the amazing moments I want to make sure to remember. Everything is so special and in 50 years I want to be able to look back and relish in the miracle of you and how you first touched our souls before our eyes even met.

I love you,



Childbirth classes

33 weeks 1 day. 48 days to go.

This weekend we had our childbirth class, one more thing to check off the list. I learned a few things that I hadn’t already known from all my research but most of which was just hospital policies and not so much what was going to happen.

E learned how to sponge bathe, diaper and swaddle. He started each task making a joke out of it but by the end of each one he was taking it pretty seriously and really trying to do it right. We also did some labor massage (which was pretty awesome today, not going to lie 😉 ) and I think he learned some more about what is going to happen and the support I am going to need. The best thing was that he never once went into a “bad mood”, which is what I was nervous about. Each time we had a break he was cracking small jokes and never really complained once. Plus, he didnt feel great and accidentally took tylenol PM this morning before we left!! I was really, really proud of him. I hope some of the knowledge sticks around for the next 7 weeks. It also got him talking about several options and it’s a good thing that we are both on the same page considering I had already made these decisions!

Unfortunately, even though they went over a ton of hospital policies we didnt get a hospital tour so I signed us up for one on August 10th. I figure if I go into labor before then for whatever reason it wont be a huge deal if we don’t have the tour but it gives us something to do in August while we are waiting for our little man to arrive. 

All in all I am glad we went, even if it’s just to say we GOT to go to childbirth classes. 

I did find myself feeling angry at several of the women in the class with us. Three of them couldn’t come up with ONE thing that they liked about being pregnant and just kept saying they want it over with. Even though I am pregnant, my mind still went back to everything infertility and I wanted to shake them and scream at them for how lucky they were to be pregnant. How they should be treasuring every minute even if they were a little uncomfortable. We got to talk to several of the couples and 2 of them were “accidents”, one was a one night stand and one of the others tried for 3 whole months. I sat there and cringed at each of these stories and my heart broke for E and I a little all over again. Everything we went through to get here and these women were just acting as if it made no difference to them that they were pregnant.

I was sitting there still marveling at each kick to the ribs, punch to the bladder and loving the feeling of my stomach lurching from side to side with his movements. These women were bitching and complaining about the same feelings. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! Yes, I understand it can get uncomfortable but still, OMG there is a baby inside of you learning to stretch, roll, kick and punch. How fucking amazing is that? To get the reassurance that your baby is still thriving. There is no better feeling in the world to me and it’s hard for me to comprehend how anyone can feel differently. 

It sounds like I am judging these woman and maybe I am being too harsh but I almost feel bad for them that they didn’t have trouble getting pregnant. It would seem that having the love and appreciation over being pregnant is a much better situation then hating and resenting being pregnant… Not that I would wish infertility on anyone, it just touches a place in my heart when I see and hear that someone isn’t enjoying and appreciating it. 

I am off to get into a warm bath with a nice book, my essential oils diffusing and continue to enjoy the wonders of everything happening in my body. 


Checklist and update

32 weeks 3 days. 53 days to go.

So we have accomplished a lot lately and are almost ready for little man’s arrival!

The biggest thing I was worried about doing was completing our “birth plan” and I finished that this weekend so hooray for that! I may still tweak a few things but the main stuff is done. I tried looking at example birth plans and none of them really fit what I wanted so I just typed it up in word with bullets… hopefully that will be sufficient 🙂

What’s left:
– Pack hospital bag: I already have it out and have put in 2 things but I need to get serious and get it done. My list is already created it is just a matter of gathering everything and getting it in the bag

– Install carseat (probably won’t do for another couple weeks)

– Nail down our pediatrician – this is difficult because I had already chosen a place but found out they arent affiliated with my hospital so the baby would see the on-call dr at the hospital and then have to be seen by this new dr. My OB recommended another pediatrician that is affiliated with them so we would be seeing the same practice from day 1 and they have saturday and sunday hours so that’s nice. I still need to go and visit them though.

– Sterilize all bottles, pump accessories and pacifiers

– Purchase 2 sleep gowns and a couple pairs of pants for the little guy (we have a million onsies from our showers but zero pants in newborn or 0-3 months )

– Purchase some nursing tanks and at least one initial regular nursing bra.

– Set up items downstairs (will do first week of August to get the dogs use to these new items being around): swing and pack and play and then put together a diaper changing station in the downstairs bedroom.

Things left to wash:
– rock ‘n play cover
– pack and play bassinet cover
– swing cover
– any new clothes that are given to us at our last shower

When I say there is about 8 weeks left it still sounds like it is somewhat far away but when I say there is about 53 days left… that sounds so close! 

I am still feeling pretty good. I started developing some SPD a week and a half ago which is quite uncomfortable but I only feel it when I go from sitting/laying to standing and those first initial steps. I have come to the conclusion that pregnant woman dont waddle because of their belly, they waddle because the feeling of your pelvis ripping in two just isn’t right! I definitely have started waddling but it is only because of the SPD lol

No real news other than that. We have our childbirth/newborn class this weekend and I am pretty excited about it. I have a feeling that it will just be something that I already know but it will all be brand new for E which is the exciting part for me 🙂

Olive is feeling much, much better and I am so relieved! She has kept down all food since Wednesday and has regained all her strength/personality. I have to call this week or next to see when they think she will be ready for her next operation and then hopefully we can start weaning her off the medications!! Good, good stuff 😀



My little Olive update

In my last post I spoke about how my little French Bulldog Olive was having some tummy trouble and we thought that all it was was constipation. She had received an enema and we were hopeful she would be on the mend. That was last Wednesday.

Thursday we gave her a little bit of food and she was still immensely uncomfortable. I called the vet back and she wanted to observe her all day. I took her there where she apparently threw up her breakfast. They took some additional x-rays and the vet said that she thought she may see a blockage. We decided to do a ‘wait and see’ approach for the night to see how she did.

Friday morning she woke up acting a little perkier and actually asking to eat! I was so excited. We gave her maybe 15 pieces of kibble and she started regurgitating it along with white foam 😦 We decided to go ahead and do the exploratory surgery to see if there was a blockage because she was in so much pain and we couldn’t come up with another reason. Plus we were going into a weekend and I just didn’t want to wait. This was probably a bad decision because when I dropped her off she had a major panic attack and needed a sedative and oxygen. Then when they anesthetized her, her heartrate dropped drastically but were able to give her some medication and get it stabilized again. It also took her an exceptionally long time to come out of the anesthesia. All for nothing, essentially since they found no blockage. After she started waking up and coming to they got her up and got her moving and she started regurgitating brown liquid/slime without any warning. The vet said it was probably some residual stuff in her stomach and let her come home.

Friday night was rough. We tried to get her up and walking around every 30 minutes or so in order to clear out whatever was in her stomach so she wouldnt aspirate on it. Wow was that nasty. Finally around 10pm I got her up to walk around the house one more time and about a cup and a half of brown liquid came up in one big “burp”. Luckily that must have emptied her all out because she seemed to feel much better after that and actually slept somewhat peacefully throughout the night. Saturday we started some boiled chicken and rice which was hit or miss with keeping down. On Sunday she wasn’t much better in terms of keeping food down but her pain seemed to have almost disappeared. We decided we were going to go for a second opinion on Monday.

The vet we went to for our second opinion was amazing. He spent almost an hour with me discussing her and going over all her records. Almost the whole time he was sitting on the floor with Olive. He believes that she has a slight hiatal hernia which caused an esophageal ulcer so he gave us some medication to help all of that and we are just to sit back and see if that all helps. Yesterday was our first full day of being on the meds. We did the chicken and rice in the morning which she kept down and then in the afternoon I gave her half of her regular dog food and half boiled chicken. She ate it all and only burped afterwards once! I was so relieved and happy!!! Then, SIX hours later, out of the blue, she threw it all up! My heart sank and I was so upset. I thought we were making such progress.

Praying that last night it was just a fluke we started the whole medication routine this morning and I gave her 1/3 of her normal dog food for breakfast. There were several big burps and gags but she kept it all down. 4.5 hours later and still no issues I gave another small meal. She seemed to hold that one down even better and it is now almost 2pm and no vomiting. In a little while I will give another small meal and see how the rest of today goes. I am hopeful but still cautious at this point in time. I really hope that this new medication regimen is going to help her because I just can’t stand how pitiful she is. Not to mention that she has lost almost 2lbs in a week and for a small dog (she started off at 21lbs) that is a lot!!