"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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Taming the worry

39 weeks 3 days. 4 days to go.

I haven’t posted in a while because I simply don’t have much to post about. The past 2-3 weeks I have just felt like I have been in a holding pattern. As of last Tuesday I was 2cm dilated and 70% effaced which essentially means nothing but still interesting to know. It’s now just a waiting game. 

How can the last couple weeks feel as if I am in the TWW all over again? Just sitting and waiting. Not to mention the worrying… at each stage I figured the worrying would get less and less but that hasn’t been the case for me. This is how it has essentially gone for me:

– Each IUI – Did it work?! Please, please let it work

– First ultrasound at 7 weeks after IUI #3 – Please, please have a heartbeat and not be ectopic

– First trimester – I feel 100% normal?! There is no way I am still pregnant, how can everyone have morning sickness and I don’t? 

– 12 week ultrasound – Please, please still have a heartbeat and show the appropriate growth

– Weeks 12-18 – How is it possible that I still don’t feel pregnant?! Ok, I have a little bump but come on! I hope our little blob is growing….

– Anatomy scan – Please show appropriate growth and that we still have our miracle… Still no weight gain, hope that baby is still getting everything he needs

– From week 23 till now – Has he been moving enough? What was that jab? Was that normal? I haven’t felt him in the past hour; time to eat something sweet and go lay down on my left side. My boobs STILL haven’t grown, does this mean I wont be able to breastfeed? Was that just normal discharge or could it be part of my mucus plug? I have not had ANY discharge in days, that can’t be normal this far along in the pregnancy, right? Baby still hasn’t dropped, he is never going to come. Contraction or cramps? How on earth does a first time mom know the difference? Decrease in movement/pattern but the Dr. says that is ok… how do I turn my brain off from worrying after hearing about all the horror stories of babies dying at the end of pregnancy due to low fluid or cords wrapped around their necks and their moms not taking a stand that something was ‘off’ or ‘different’?

And that is just part of the worry. That doesn’t even take into account worrying about after he gets here. How am I going to handle all the unsolicited advice? How am I going to deal with visitors when at this moment I just want to shut the world out and learn how to be a mom without other hands touching us? How are my dogs going to adapt to this (I worry so much about them)? Can I really take care of a baby? Do we have everything we need? How is this really going to change E and I’s relationship?

It’s never ending and I don’t know how I haven’t developed an ulcer. I have dealt with anxiety for years and I am terrified about PPD or not being able to handle all the anxiety that the worrying is causing. I am trying to use some meditation recordings to keep myself more centered and calm along with just taking one day at a time but it’s still hard. 

worrying

There really is nothing I can do. My plan until this little child decides he is ready to join society is to pray that everything goes well and try to keep a level head. He will arrive when he is ready and I have to be patient enough to wait for him (or until my OB lets me evict him)! I can’t wait to hold his little body. Marvel at his tiny fingers and toes. Stare in awe that my husband and I created such a beautiful being. Last but not least, finally accept the fact that our dreams of becoming parents have finally come true. 


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4 year anniversary

Today marks the day that E and I have been married for 4 whole years. In one sense it feels like just yesterday we got married and in others, it feels like a lifetime ago. Next month marks 12 years of being together though, so that may have something to do with the latter 😉

I remember the day we met a little over 12 years ago perfectly. To this day I still have the hat he wore on the day we met and I remember what I wore perfectly. I was originally dating his best friend… E had just moved back to the area and the guy I was dating gave me is AIM username (remember when AIM was so big?!) and told me to talk to him and hook him up with one of my friends. Well we talked for several weeks over AIM, then on the phone and when the guy and I broke up we decided we would meet in real life.

When seeing him IRL I thought immediately that he wasn’t my type. I am quite tall and we are about the same height, he had facial hair (which I hate), his hair was cut in an older style bowl cut and while he was nice and muscular, he just didn’t look like someone I normally dated. That first day we simply hung out at my house and talked. The conversation flowed just as easily as it did when we were on the phone/internet and I truly did love his personality. We started hanging out more and more and about 2.5 months after we met he asked me out. I couldn’t have been happier; I loved how he treated me and we had such a good time together. 

We dated for 7 years before he asked me to marry him and we got married one month shy of us being together for 8 years. Our wedding was magical and everything I could have wanted. I felt beautiful. He looked so handsome. We were so happy to finally ‘make it official’

0731 KingIMG_3473I went off birth control 5 months after we got married and just assumed, like most, we would at least be pregnant by our one year anniversary (8 months after going off BC). As we all know, that didn’t happen. After the first two years we stopped doing the ‘we will have a baby by next year’ thing and didn’t really plan for that in order to not set ourselves up for disappointment. We would get people saying ‘you have been together for SO long, what’s the hold up?!’ or ‘do you guys just not want children? By now, being together for X years you would think you would have your family already’. Each one cut us down a notch each time. It hurt and hurt badly. 

It still feels surreal that I am pregnant and we are hitting our 4 years wedding anniversary. It is actually happening. We are adding to our family and while we still get the occasional ‘it’s about damn time’ from people I just let it roll off my shoulders because I pretty much agree with them. It’s about damn time!

I love this man more than anything and I am so lucky that we still have this wonderful relationship 12 years later. I can’t wait to see my husband turn into a father and while I don’t think it is possible to love him more, I know that when I see him with our son my entire world will be complete.

0925 King_D031778

 


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Weekly appointments started today!

36 weeks 4 days. 24 days to go.

I had my first internal check today at the start of my weekly appointments 😀 

– My blood pressure is coming up which is good considering it was low and making me feel a little sick. Today it was 106/67

– I am up a total of 8lbs which my OB is very, very happy with and said as long as I keep doing what I am doing I should be right on track for the rest of the pregnancy

– Baby boy’s heartbeat was 147bpm

– In all the past weeks my fundal height has been on track but I am measuring one week ahead today

– Baby is head down

– I am 1cm dilated

– I was tested for group B strep

So while I know that being dilated this early means absolutely nothing and is no indication that labor is near, it is still so cool to know! My OB said I probably have another week and then it could be any time (but isn’t that the case for everyone when they get that far along? LOL). I am excited just to be at this point in the pregnancy – meeting my son seems so close and yet still so far. 

I called E on my way home from the doctor to tell him all of the above and he said he is freaking out. He said “we are going to be real parents this month, not just parents to furbabies. I am totally freaking out!” I told him, being parents to furbabies IS being a real parent and this baby just doesnt have fur but that we still have some time and for him to just calm down. I found it pretty entertaining.

Now I can’t wait till my appointment next Tuesday 😀

Hope all is well, my friends!