39 weeks 3 days. 4 days to go.
I haven’t posted in a while because I simply don’t have much to post about. The past 2-3 weeks I have just felt like I have been in a holding pattern. As of last Tuesday I was 2cm dilated and 70% effaced which essentially means nothing but still interesting to know. It’s now just a waiting game.
How can the last couple weeks feel as if I am in the TWW all over again? Just sitting and waiting. Not to mention the worrying… at each stage I figured the worrying would get less and less but that hasn’t been the case for me. This is how it has essentially gone for me:
– Each IUI – Did it work?! Please, please let it work
– First ultrasound at 7 weeks after IUI #3 – Please, please have a heartbeat and not be ectopic
– First trimester – I feel 100% normal?! There is no way I am still pregnant, how can everyone have morning sickness and I don’t?
– 12 week ultrasound – Please, please still have a heartbeat and show the appropriate growth
– Weeks 12-18 – How is it possible that I still don’t feel pregnant?! Ok, I have a little bump but come on! I hope our little blob is growing….
– Anatomy scan – Please show appropriate growth and that we still have our miracle… Still no weight gain, hope that baby is still getting everything he needs
– From week 23 till now – Has he been moving enough? What was that jab? Was that normal? I haven’t felt him in the past hour; time to eat something sweet and go lay down on my left side. My boobs STILL haven’t grown, does this mean I wont be able to breastfeed? Was that just normal discharge or could it be part of my mucus plug? I have not had ANY discharge in days, that can’t be normal this far along in the pregnancy, right? Baby still hasn’t dropped, he is never going to come. Contraction or cramps? How on earth does a first time mom know the difference? Decrease in movement/pattern but the Dr. says that is ok… how do I turn my brain off from worrying after hearing about all the horror stories of babies dying at the end of pregnancy due to low fluid or cords wrapped around their necks and their moms not taking a stand that something was ‘off’ or ‘different’?
And that is just part of the worry. That doesn’t even take into account worrying about after he gets here. How am I going to handle all the unsolicited advice? How am I going to deal with visitors when at this moment I just want to shut the world out and learn how to be a mom without other hands touching us? How are my dogs going to adapt to this (I worry so much about them)? Can I really take care of a baby? Do we have everything we need? How is this really going to change E and I’s relationship?
It’s never ending and I don’t know how I haven’t developed an ulcer. I have dealt with anxiety for years and I am terrified about PPD or not being able to handle all the anxiety that the worrying is causing. I am trying to use some meditation recordings to keep myself more centered and calm along with just taking one day at a time but it’s still hard.
There really is nothing I can do. My plan until this little child decides he is ready to join society is to pray that everything goes well and try to keep a level head. He will arrive when he is ready and I have to be patient enough to wait for him (or until my OB lets me evict him)! I can’t wait to hold his little body. Marvel at his tiny fingers and toes. Stare in awe that my husband and I created such a beautiful being. Last but not least, finally accept the fact that our dreams of becoming parents have finally come true.