"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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What a difference a year makes

On December 23rd 2013, we got the most amazing news of our lives. We were finally pregnant. After three years of enduring heartache month after month we were finally staring at two beautiful pink lines. Excitement, joy, fear, anxiety and unadulterated love for this group of cells that had started growing inside of me. It didn’t feel real and now? Holding him in my arms, smothering him with kisses, and making him laugh and smile still doesn’t always feel real. How is this perfect baby mine? I sometimes feel like I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to come and take him away. Like this was just some weird cruel joke and he isn’t actually mine.

One year ago, I was sitting in our RE’s office unbelievably nervous to get my first beta drawn. Could home pregnancy tests be wrong even with such a strong line? I remember that day being the longest day of my life thus far. All I wanted was to hear the words from the nurse that I was officially pregnant. It took forever for them to call me and confirm but when they did I couldn’t stop smiling.

Now that little bundle of cells is this crazy handsome baby boy who keeps me on my toes even at 4 months old. He is sitting in the boppy by himself, learning to lean against things to stand, babbling up a storm, laughing like no ones business, reaching for things and putting every single thing he touches in his mouth.

There are times when I look at him and feel like crying for how much I love him. My heart aches to be with him all the time, even when I am beyond tired and frustrated. My whole world revolves around him. Every single day I wonder how on earth this thing called motherhood can be so hard and yet each morning (or 1am, 2am, 4am, 6am waking) I stare at him in amazement, can’t believe he is mine, and look forward to doing it all over again that day. I won’t lie and say there are days that I just want to give him to DH and get out of the house or go lay down because that has definitely happened but the moment I am away from him I just want to be back with him.

We are going through the 4 month sleep regression and I didn’t think his sleep could get any worse but he sure proved me wrong. I also think he has a dairy intolerance that I am going to speak to the doctor today about. He is fussy during feeds, even fights them sometimes. He has horribly smelly gas, is spitting up like crazy for hours after a feed, goes stiff as a board, etc. So something is going on but I am not sure what.

Needless to say I am tired, constantly covered in spit-up, hair is almost never washed and I am hardly ever out of my yoga pants and big t-shirts (thank you work from home job that I don’t ever have to get ready for!) but I love every second of it.

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I have the nicest RE

One year ago today E and I went in for our third and final shot at an IUI and we hoped with everything that we had that it would work. I can not believe it was a whole year ago! I decided to send our RE an update as he made me promise to do so and I just haven’t had the time. I really wasn’t expecting him to write me back but low and behold he did!! I kept it short and sweet and sent the following:

Hi Dr. M,

I hope all is well with you! It has been one year to
the day that I had my third IUI that turned out to be successful! I
just wanted to give you an update on me and our baby boy.

I had a picture perfect pregnancy and went into labor on my due date!
Grant Hugh was born the following day, August 30th, at 5:52am. He
weighed in at 8 pounds 8 ounces and 20 inches long and was absolutely
perfect. I am loving life being a mom and I have you to thank for it.
I can’t express how much I appreciate all your help and guidance.

I attached a few pictures for you as well.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!!

This is what he sent back:

Oh my gosh.  He has the cutest dimples.  No way I could pick a favorite out of all the picture.  You are so kind to include me in on this joyous occurrence.  All of us send you our heartfelt congratulations.  Please come visit.

I really enjoyed having him as a doctor and was sad when I was released to my actual OB. When/if we try for number 2, we will for sure be going back to see him!!


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3 months old

Dear Grant,

You are three months old. How is that even possible? Wasn’t it just yesterday that your dad and I were sending not so silent wishes into the night in order to create you? How has it been three whole months of us holding you in our arms? When I try to think back to life without you in it, I can’t imagine it. You are truly incredible and I eagerly look forward to each new day to see what you will do next.

I won’t lie and say there haven’t been tears. Tears of joy, sadness, frustration, anxiety and fear; I have felt it all. You were exactly 3 weeks old when I declared to your dad, around 3am, that I just couldn’t do it anymore. You were crying non-stop and nothing I could do could make it better. As much as I hated feeling that way, it was almost like a rite of passage. I finally felt like I was in the mommy-club and that felt great. I finally made it!! I was crying, you were crying and your dad was the hero. He held you while you screamed and was able to calm us both down. We would be no where without him.

The tears of joy have far outweighed anything else. I simply have to see your smile and I melt with such a strong love for you that there are literally no words. I would do anything to see you smile! Your giggle and little voice is the sweetest sounds I have ever heard and I can’t wait until you give me a wonderful belly laugh.  I love you more than words.

You have come so far in three months. You started as this tiny newborn baby who, while more alert than any newborn I have ever seen, could do almost nothing. You had pretty good head control from the start but that was about it. Now? You are mastering rolling from your tummy to your back, you are obsessed with standing, you are blowing bubbles, giggling, talking to us, smiling and starting to grasp some toys. You are also constantly sucking on your hands; they must be incredibly tasty because they are always in your mouth.

There are times when I can’t wait for you to get older; to see you sit up by yourself, crawl, walk, talk, eat solid food but each time I have that feeling I make myself stop and savor the here and now. You are only going to be this little once. Your tiny hands are only going to be grasping my fingers while I give you a bottle for a little while longer. I am going to blink and you are no longer going to fit perfectly in my arms, want to smile and laugh at the stupid noises I make or be 100% reliant on me. As much as I want you to have your independence I know I will miss these days so incredibly much.

Today was your first day at daycare. I never thought I would have to put you in daycare and when I left you this morning I felt as if I was leaving my soul in the hands of someone else. It’s a weird feeling having to trust someone so completely. That you are entirely at their mercy, you have no control, and that is incredibly difficult for me. You were with me 24 hours a day for the last 12 months. I was able to keep you protected, safe, warm and cater to your every need and now I am simply handing that responsibility off to someone else? My heart ached for you every second we were apart and I was so elated to pick you up this afternoon. You? You did great and didn’t even seem to notice that I wasn’t around. That is exactly how it is supposed to be though; as long as you’re happy, that is all that matters.

I love you to the moon and back my little handsome man.

Love, Mommy

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