"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

3 months old


Dear Grant,

You are three months old. How is that even possible? Wasn’t it just yesterday that your dad and I were sending not so silent wishes into the night in order to create you? How has it been three whole months of us holding you in our arms? When I try to think back to life without you in it, I can’t imagine it. You are truly incredible and I eagerly look forward to each new day to see what you will do next.

I won’t lie and say there haven’t been tears. Tears of joy, sadness, frustration, anxiety and fear; I have felt it all. You were exactly 3 weeks old when I declared to your dad, around 3am, that I just couldn’t do it anymore. You were crying non-stop and nothing I could do could make it better. As much as I hated feeling that way, it was almost like a rite of passage. I finally felt like I was in the mommy-club and that felt great. I finally made it!! I was crying, you were crying and your dad was the hero. He held you while you screamed and was able to calm us both down. We would be no where without him.

The tears of joy have far outweighed anything else. I simply have to see your smile and I melt with such a strong love for you that there are literally no words. I would do anything to see you smile! Your giggle and little voice is the sweetest sounds I have ever heard and I can’t wait until you give me a wonderful belly laugh.  I love you more than words.

You have come so far in three months. You started as this tiny newborn baby who, while more alert than any newborn I have ever seen, could do almost nothing. You had pretty good head control from the start but that was about it. Now? You are mastering rolling from your tummy to your back, you are obsessed with standing, you are blowing bubbles, giggling, talking to us, smiling and starting to grasp some toys. You are also constantly sucking on your hands; they must be incredibly tasty because they are always in your mouth.

There are times when I can’t wait for you to get older; to see you sit up by yourself, crawl, walk, talk, eat solid food but each time I have that feeling I make myself stop and savor the here and now. You are only going to be this little once. Your tiny hands are only going to be grasping my fingers while I give you a bottle for a little while longer. I am going to blink and you are no longer going to fit perfectly in my arms, want to smile and laugh at the stupid noises I make or be 100% reliant on me. As much as I want you to have your independence I know I will miss these days so incredibly much.

Today was your first day at daycare. I never thought I would have to put you in daycare and when I left you this morning I felt as if I was leaving my soul in the hands of someone else. It’s a weird feeling having to trust someone so completely. That you are entirely at their mercy, you have no control, and that is incredibly difficult for me. You were with me 24 hours a day for the last 12 months. I was able to keep you protected, safe, warm and cater to your every need and now I am simply handing that responsibility off to someone else? My heart ached for you every second we were apart and I was so elated to pick you up this afternoon. You? You did great and didn’t even seem to notice that I wasn’t around. That is exactly how it is supposed to be though; as long as you’re happy, that is all that matters.

I love you to the moon and back my little handsome man.

Love, Mommy








6 thoughts on “3 months old

  1. Wow he’s 3 months old already! So adorable, alert, and even wants to stand up! I am glad that daycare went well and motherhood is serving you well. Love to you. ❤

  2. Gorgeous little man, exactly the same age as Nacho. What a whirlwind huh?! So many rights of passage you explain we have passed now too. I can’t believe it’s been 3 months. Hugs to you, you’ve come so far xx

  3. What a gorgeous range of expressions!


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