"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

What a difference a year makes

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On December 23rd 2013, we got the most amazing news of our lives. We were finally pregnant. After three years of enduring heartache month after month we were finally staring at two beautiful pink lines. Excitement, joy, fear, anxiety and unadulterated love for this group of cells that had started growing inside of me. It didn’t feel real and now? Holding him in my arms, smothering him with kisses, and making him laugh and smile still doesn’t always feel real. How is this perfect baby mine? I sometimes feel like I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to come and take him away. Like this was just some weird cruel joke and he isn’t actually mine.

One year ago, I was sitting in our RE’s office unbelievably nervous to get my first beta drawn. Could home pregnancy tests be wrong even with such a strong line? I remember that day being the longest day of my life thus far. All I wanted was to hear the words from the nurse that I was officially pregnant. It took forever for them to call me and confirm but when they did I couldn’t stop smiling.

Now that little bundle of cells is this crazy handsome baby boy who keeps me on my toes even at 4 months old. He is sitting in the boppy by himself, learning to lean against things to stand, babbling up a storm, laughing like no ones business, reaching for things and putting every single thing he touches in his mouth.

There are times when I look at him and feel like crying for how much I love him. My heart aches to be with him all the time, even when I am beyond tired and frustrated. My whole world revolves around him. Every single day I wonder how on earth this thing called motherhood can be so hard and yet each morning (or 1am, 2am, 4am, 6am waking) I stare at him in amazement, can’t believe he is mine, and look forward to doing it all over again that day. I won’t lie and say there are days that I just want to give him to DH and get out of the house or go lay down because that has definitely happened but the moment I am away from him I just want to be back with him.

We are going through the 4 month sleep regression and I didn’t think his sleep could get any worse but he sure proved me wrong. I also think he has a dairy intolerance that I am going to speak to the doctor today about. He is fussy during feeds, even fights them sometimes. He has horribly smelly gas, is spitting up like crazy for hours after a feed, goes stiff as a board, etc. So something is going on but I am not sure what.

Needless to say I am tired, constantly covered in spit-up, hair is almost never washed and I am hardly ever out of my yoga pants and big t-shirts (thank you work from home job that I don’t ever have to get ready for!) but I love every second of it.

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