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Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Not feeling worthy

18 Comments

Today is a bad day. Today I feel like I am not doing enough. That I am not enough.

I am exhausted. Work is falling behind, laundry is falling behind, cleaning is falling behind. I feel like my life is slipping away from me. Each morning I wake up and the number one thing I look forward to is falling asleep that night.

Grant went for his 4 month appointment two weeks ago and we determined he is dairy intolerant. While he has always been on mostly formula due to the fact that I was unable to produce hardly anything for him, that effectively stopped any and all nursing I was doing. Yes, it was only for about 5 minutes a day but I loved those 5 minutes. I miss them dearly. I feel guilty that he isn’t getting even the few antibodies I was giving to him.

With that came a new dairy, lactose and soy free formula which helped with a lot of Grant’s issues. The downside is that it gave him diarrhea which caused a diaper rash even though I was trying to be proactive with it since I knew it was a side effect of the new formula. Everything I have done has not been able to clear up the rash and I am having to take him to the doctor on Friday for help. I feel so bad that he is going to be exposed to a doctor’s office for a stupid rash but I don’t want him to be uncomfortable either. I am doing everything possible to limit his exposure: first “sick” appointment of the day (the dr has two appts before us but they are well visits), making sure we sit on the well side and loading him up with essential oils.

His sleeping has gotten so bad that I have had to start to let him CIO which I feel so guilty about but it seems to be working and I am just hoping that it is short lived. I can’t function on this little sleep. I am constantly nauseous, dizzy and sometimes delusional because I am so tired. I feel like I am losing myself because I am just going through the motions because that is the only way to survive right now.

I feel like my relationship is slipping away from me. E and I have had such a rough time of it the last couple weeks and I hate it and yet I am not doing much about it. I am too tired and drained. Each night as we crawl into bed I want to take the time to cuddle and talk but as soon as my face hits the pillow I find myself not wanting to move. All I want to do is pass out and pray that I get longer than an hour or two before G wakes up for the first time. Sure, there is dinner ready when E gets home and as soon as we eat, he entertains G while I clean the kitchen, take out the trash, get the bottles ready for the middle of the night, gets G’s daycare bag ready for the following day, give the dogs their meds and put them out before bed. He doesn’t even thank me for doing that work and I feel like I should be thanked which just makes me resentful but I am too tired to bring it up because I know it would lead to an argument. Thus, it is my fault for not talking to E about how I am feeling.

My poor puppies are being neglected as well. On Sunday I had Olive in my lap and looked at her paws and couldnt remember the last time I cut their nails. Sure, they get put out, fed and all have their meds but I don’t get to love on them like I use to. I miss them even though they are right next to me.

Why can’t I do it all with a smile on my face? Everything is getting done, even if it is half-assed, but it’s getting done. I should feel proud. I should feel happy and yet all I feel is tired and that I am not doing enough to keep my family together and running.

Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom. Everything melts away when that sweet baby face looks at me and smiles. I want to be everything G needs and I feel like I am failing at that. I feel like I am failing at being this amazing boy’s mother. I want to give him the world and I feel inadequate.

Some days I feel like maybe there was a reason we went through infertility. Maybe some greater power knew I wasn’t cut out to be a mom. Those days make me feel the worst. Today is one of those days. Yet, days like this make me fight like hell to prove my conscience wrong. I love my son. I love my husband. I love my puppies. I am good enough and I just have to keeping moving because it will get better and I am enough.

18 thoughts on “Not feeling worthy

  1. You shouldn’t ever feel that you don’t deserve to be a mom. Try talking to him and just bringing about a few things starting with the lack of sleep. I know everyone is different but you don’t want to bottle it up until it explodes. Maybe he will be more willing to help you out with things and you don’t know it. At one point I was working going to school full time cooking and cleaning and everything inbetween. Eventually I talked to my husband because I was so tired and worn down and he started helping. Even if it was only with the small stuff like putting up the clean dishes, picking up his clothes, and taking out the trash. I will be praying for you 🙂 & remember you ARE enough !!!

  2. Oh goodness, hang in there lady. You are doing a great job, just love on your boy, and keep doing what’s best for him.

  3. I don’t know if this will make you feel any better or not but:
    1. Sleep regression at 4 months is super common. My baby had it so terrible and it was at that time that we started doing CIO. It helped within a few days and we were all sleeping better. It was good for all of us in the long run even though it’s hard at the time. It’s important that you are rested for his sake as well as yours.
    2. The relationship thing is SOOOO hard when you are too tired. It does get easier as the baby gets just a little older and you get a little more sleep. We started really having a better relationship around 6 months I think.
    3. I was getting mad that my husband never thanked me for all the seemingly endless work that I do even though I DO make sure that I thank him often. I talked to him about it and he didn’t even realize it. SO I bet E just never thinks of it that way.
    4. My dog’s toe nails haven’t been cut in forever. I really don’t know how long. But, like you said, they get fed and put out etc and that is a feat in and of itself some days! 😉
    5. You ARE good enough and you ARE a good mom. Don’t let those thoughts get you down. Believe me – we ALL have them! 🙂

  4. Oh girl, hang in there! You are an amazing mom! And you’re right, there will be peaks and valleys with sleep (we just had a horrible valley last week in the 36 week wonder week). Also, have you looked into relactating? That may be something to think about if you are missing that bonding time.

    • I haven’t looked into relactating since I was taking reglan then domperidone and still saw no difference in supply. I miss the bonding time but I will just have to find a different way for him and I to bond alone 🙂 Thanks girl!

  5. I hope today was better! It’s incredible how overwhelming parenthood is. And life just keeps getting in the way on top of it. But I know you are doing incredible. I’ll be thinking of you, lady!! Lots of hugs!

  6. I think all moms feel this way at some point. But you are managing, and sometimes that is the best you (or anybody) can do. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. XOXO

  7. Hugs. Big hugs. Youre doing great. I can only imagine the fog of early motherhood but i think youre strong and you are doing all of this with love, for love, and soon it will get easier and more enjoyable. I hope that day comes sooner rather than later for you. In the meantime, just know we all think youre doing a wonderful job.

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