"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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“You really don’t know love until you have children”

I hate this saying. I hated it while going through infertility and even after having my little boy, I hate it. Someone yesterday said to me, “Isn’t it amazing how you really didn’t know what love felt like until he came into your life?” All I could do was look at her and smile because it was not the time or place to get into a conversation about how untrue that statement is.

Yes, I love my amazing son so much it hurts. Yes, I would do anything for him. Yes, my life revolves around him right now. However… I have felt love long before he came into my life. Love for my family, love for my husband, love for my animals, love for my best of friends. I remember one day when I was pregnant being nervous that I would love my pets more than I would love my son, as crazy as that may sound.

I will say that I do think it is a different kind of love and maybe that is what people mean when they say this statement. Becoming this protective is a new manifestation of love that I was not use to experiencing but other than that, it is still an all consuming type of love. Just as I feel for my husband and my pets. He didn’t take away love from anyone but rather just expanded it.

When I hear people say that they didn’t know love until they had children I feel sorry for them. How horrible that you went your whole life without feeling true love. When the statement is directed towards me I feel like they are degrading the other loves in my life. That I should be loving my son more than all the other parts of my life. That maybe I am doing something wrong because I can’t agree with them. Am I somehow damaging my son for not feeling like I never knew love until he entered my life?

Maybe it’s because I went through infertility and had to focus so much on the other loves in my life in order to keep me going. Maybe there are wires crossed in my brain. Who knows? All I know is that I know what love is. It surrounds me on a daily basis from so many different angles and I am blessed beyond words to have every single ounce that I have.


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6 Months!

Grant,

6 months. It has been 6 long and short months since you entered my life and this big world. 6 months of crying (from both you and me), constant feedings, diaper changes, and late nights but that all fails in comparison to the smiles and laughs you so willingly give during baths, when we read books, when you explore and learn new thing, or when mommy or daddy does something that you think is just hilarious. I love you more than words can express. When I think of trying to explain what I feel for you my heart aches and there is just nothing that I can say that would fully encompass it.

You have grown and learned so many new things these last few months. You rolled from your back to your belly at 4 months and started sitting unassisted at 4 and a half months… We just couldn’t believe our eyes when that started happening. You were just so little! Then, you started actively walking while holding onto our hands at 5 and a half months (on Valentine’s Day).  My favorite part of February, by far, was when you started reaching for me. Just after Valentine’s Day it happened and I still get butterflies in my tummy when those little hands stretch as hard as they can go to get to me. Last week you started being able to support yourself while up on your knees. Crawling is imminent although I still believe you will walk before you crawl since that is your favorite thing to do! You just love keeping us on our toes; I know baby proofing is right around the corner for us.

I think your favorite part of the day is when daddy makes you fly from your room to the bathtub. The smile on your face when that happens is just priceless!

We started solid foods when you were just over 5 months and boy do you love it! Oatmeal was first and it was like you had been eating solids your whole life already. We quickly moved on to veggies and we have yet to find one refuse to eat! So far you have had: avocado, peas, carrots, sweet potatoes, green beans and squash. Your least favorite is green beans but if I pair it with a few bites of applesauce in between you willingly chomp away. You also LOVE mummums… those crackers are just the best because you can feed them to yourself which you love doing.

Also, just last week, you started sleeping more. Thank goodness! I was really running low on energy from the lack of sleep. You started loving soft fleece blankets and cuddling with them during naps. I am still a little too nervous to give you a blanket at night but in a few weeks I think that will change.

You experienced your first feel of snow (2/24/15) and you were very unsure about it. It’s such an amazing thing to watch you experience something new; you look at it with your eyebrows drawn tight and your face takes on such a quizzical look. I would do anything to know what you are thinking when your face looks like that. It would be so interesting to know how you are processing a new face, new feel, or new touch.

I find myself looking forward to the next new thing you will do or master while still trying to savor every piece of you being small. I notice how you are already so long that cradling you isn’t much of an option but when you do relax a little while I am rocking you before a nap and you look at me with those huge handsome eyes that I never want you to outgrow that moment. I want to bottle it up and never lose it.

Ill end this with a line from your favorite book right now; “You are my angel, my darling, my star and my love will find you wherever you are.” Happy half year birthday, handsome boy.

I love you,

Mommy

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