"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


The hope never goes away

I’m “late” – I put late in quotations because I have almost NEVER been regular. Before being pregnant being regular was a joke. After G was born and I got my first postpartum period I thought that we would go right back to where we were and have it be super wonky. I had three months where I was almost to the day regular. Then I skipped an entire month. Then two months at the same time. Now I am 4 days “late”. Each morning when I wake up without my period, hope surges just a little more.

We aren’t trying for another baby right now. However, we aren’t using protection and aren’t doing any type of family planning since I wasn’t ovulating without serious meds and trigger shots before. We also only had sex ONCE around when I could have possibly ovulated this month but that is only if this was a regular cycle.

Infertility never goes away. Fuck this. I was so ready to be done with it all. I am not sure why I thought having a baby would “cure” me of infertility. It still stings when I see a friend announces they are pregnant. I am still hurt and jealous. It makes NO sense.

I was having lunch with a friend last week and she was talking about trying for #2 and I felt myself immediately start to shut down. I didn’t want to have the conversation with her. I didn’t want to hear when her and her husband were going to start trying because I knew I would probably be avoiding her at that time, not wanting to hear the news when it happens.

I want to POAS so badly. I feel that if I do and it’s negative my period will arrive the next morning which would be great but I really don’t want to see a negative. I don’t know why… WE AREN’T TRYING! However just the thought of seeing a BFN is heartbreaking. Ugh. Can I still blame the postpartum hormones? No? It’s only been 11 months…


So, when are you going to have another?

I get asked this question almost daily. Even E has been dropping hints every now and then; saying “Oh, Grant is getting so big, looks like we are going to have to have another!” I just smile or laugh but really, the thought is terrifying.

We aren’t using BC because really, why would we? Not like there is any use is wasting our money on that… may as well just save up for the next round of treatments. However as much as I would love to be pregnant again and have another amazing child, I am not sure my heart could handle it right now. It was hard going through trying to get pregnant with G, the devastation every time a monitoring appointment didn’t go well, every time I would get my hopes up and then we would get the news that another cycle was over and we had to start all over again. I am not ready to see another BFN.

Also, thinking about another makes me sad in a sense. I want to spend every waking moment with G. I want to experience the world with him. There are so many distractions in every day life that adding another into it just seems cruel. I feel guilty sometimes that wanting another one with make G feel like he wasn’t enough (not sure where that came from since I am a first born for with 3 siblings) or that maybe he is being replaced because he wasn’t “little” any more. Then, I think about what I would be missing with G but also what I would miss with a new baby. I wouldn’t be able to be as focused on him/her as I was with G. I can’t imagine missing the little details. The thoughts are maddening.

I have always seen myself with 2 children but until having one did these new feelings come about. So, for now, I will continue to smile when people ask about baby number 2 and have the internal struggle of what I want and what I am mentally prepared for…