I get asked this question almost daily. Even E has been dropping hints every now and then; saying “Oh, Grant is getting so big, looks like we are going to have to have another!” I just smile or laugh but really, the thought is terrifying.
We aren’t using BC because really, why would we? Not like there is any use is wasting our money on that… may as well just save up for the next round of treatments. However as much as I would love to be pregnant again and have another amazing child, I am not sure my heart could handle it right now. It was hard going through trying to get pregnant with G, the devastation every time a monitoring appointment didn’t go well, every time I would get my hopes up and then we would get the news that another cycle was over and we had to start all over again. I am not ready to see another BFN.
Also, thinking about another makes me sad in a sense. I want to spend every waking moment with G. I want to experience the world with him. There are so many distractions in every day life that adding another into it just seems cruel. I feel guilty sometimes that wanting another one with make G feel like he wasn’t enough (not sure where that came from since I am a first born for with 3 siblings) or that maybe he is being replaced because he wasn’t “little” any more. Then, I think about what I would be missing with G but also what I would miss with a new baby. I wouldn’t be able to be as focused on him/her as I was with G. I can’t imagine missing the little details. The thoughts are maddening.
I have always seen myself with 2 children but until having one did these new feelings come about. So, for now, I will continue to smile when people ask about baby number 2 and have the internal struggle of what I want and what I am mentally prepared for…