"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

The hope never goes away


I’m “late” – I put late in quotations because I have almost NEVER been regular. Before being pregnant being regular was a joke. After G was born and I got my first postpartum period I thought that we would go right back to where we were and have it be super wonky. I had three months where I was almost to the day regular. Then I skipped an entire month. Then two months at the same time. Now I am 4 days “late”. Each morning when I wake up without my period, hope surges just a little more.

We aren’t trying for another baby right now. However, we aren’t using protection and aren’t doing any type of family planning since I wasn’t ovulating without serious meds and trigger shots before. We also only had sex ONCE around when I could have possibly ovulated this month but that is only if this was a regular cycle.

Infertility never goes away. Fuck this. I was so ready to be done with it all. I am not sure why I thought having a baby would “cure” me of infertility. It still stings when I see a friend announces they are pregnant. I am still hurt and jealous. It makes NO sense.

I was having lunch with a friend last week and she was talking about trying for #2 and I felt myself immediately start to shut down. I didn’t want to have the conversation with her. I didn’t want to hear when her and her husband were going to start trying because I knew I would probably be avoiding her at that time, not wanting to hear the news when it happens.

I want to POAS so badly. I feel that if I do and it’s negative my period will arrive the next morning which would be great but I really don’t want to see a negative. I don’t know why… WE AREN’T TRYING! However just the thought of seeing a BFN is heartbreaking. Ugh. Can I still blame the postpartum hormones? No? It’s only been 11 months…

2 thoughts on “The hope never goes away

  1. I imagine I will feel like you do when we reach that stage. Hopeful, yet hurting. ❤

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