"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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One year ago…

My Dear Sweet Grant,

Today we celebrate your birthday. The day you made your entrance into the world. Your father and I thought we knew joy and love but on this day at 5:52 am, you changed everything we thought we knew. No one can explain the amount of joy, accomplishment and love you feel the day your child is born. Every minute since your birth, I’ve grown deeper in love with you.

I loved you from the moment I saw those two beautiful pink line on a white stick in my bathroom. My love grew the second I saw your little embryo on the television screen at the doctor’s office. My heart skipped a beat as we waited to hear the sound of your heartbeat. That sound is something I will never forget. I cried the day we discovered that our “little blob” would grow to be a man. I beamed with joy the moment you were laid on my chest after being born.

The days after your birth have been some of the most exciting, fun and adventurous times in my life. From seeing you smile to sit to crawl to now standing and furniture surfing; you are an adventurer. You know no fear and will go full steam ahead into the unknown. They have also been hard. Being a parent is no joke… even being as prepared as we were, each day presents its own challenges. With each challenge comes each small victory, which makes it all worth it.

I hope you never lose your curiosity. I hope and pray that you always walk up to a challenge and confront it head first with reckless abandon. For those times that you do fall or falter, know that your father and I will always be there. We will be here to comfort you, encourage you and love you.

You have accomplished so much in this first year and yet the last three months you have exploded with your ability and creativity. Around 9 and a half months you started to become really ticklish… boy have we taken advantage of that! We get the deepest belly laughs when we tickle your upper thigh. Sometimes you can hardly breathe you’re laughing so hard.

Shortly after that you said “mama” and I think my world completely stopped. It wasn’t long before you started saying “dada” too and we both just relish those words. Now, while you love to babble and tell me all about your day, the only time you say “mama” or “dada” is when you want to be picked up and we don’t do it fast enough! You sure have us wrapped around your little finger, handsome boy.

Around ten and a half months you learned you could climb. I think I realized what having a boy entails when you hit this milestone. You climb on everything! The couch, the coffee table, the end table, the dogs, your own elephant chair, but mostly you love to climb on me. You concentrate so hard and I know that no matter what gets in your way, you will find a way to get through it… or over it.

You also finally started to get teeth and wow do you look adorable with your little chicklets! Right after you turned 10 months your bottom two teeth came through at the same time and then 3 short weeks later all 4 top teeth started to work their way out. We waited and waited for you to get some teeth and now you’re getting them all at once. I hate that you are uncomfortable but I think getting them all at ones is best.

You are a strong willed little boy. Right at 11 months you decided that us telling you “no” was absolutely hilarious and somehow means that you should do what you’re not supposed to be doing 10 times faster. This has caused your dad and I some stress. We want to make sure you are safe every second of every day and you challenge that every step of the way. This is parenting, right? Your children are born to defy you and you have to spend every chance you get making sure that, while they may dare go against your rules, you have instilled in them right from wrong and that they will make the right decision in the end. Your dad and I strive for that every day.

The best part of every day for me is bedtime. You still cuddle with me for a few precious moments right before bed. It’s the only time now that you want me to hold you close; not because you’re scared or hurt or fussy or being shy but because you want my closeness. You still feel safe enough to allow your eyes to get heavy, to stroke my hair and snuggle against my chest as I sing “good night sweetheart” to you for the thousandth time. Every night I get to hold you in my arms, stare at your perfect face, and marvel in the fact that you are mine. Every. Single. Night. I never want it to end.

A piece of advice; never forget to laugh. Your laugh can brighten any day and has brightened many of mine. I am not saying I want you to grow up, but I can’t wait to see the person you become. If your second year is anything like the first, I better stock up on caffeine and first aid supplies and invest in a good pair of sneakers in order to keep up with you.

No matter how old you get I hope you will always let me scoop you up, squeeze you tight and kiss those chubby cheeks. In that embrace, the world is perfect. In that embrace, time stands still and you are my sweet little boy.

I love you,

Mommy

Some pictures from his one year photo shoot and his birthday party last night

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