"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


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In awe of my husband

Grant,

I am not sure how we got so lucky; to have this amazing man in our life. You have the most amazing dad. He loves you more than anything and lights up when he is around you.

Two nights ago you had your first nightmare and woke up screaming unlike I had ever heard at 1:42am. By the time it took me to get from my room to yours, you were already standing in your crib stomping your feet and reaching towards me. Whatever horrible dream you had had scared you so badly. I took no time in holding you close, rocking you and telling you that I was here and everything was going to be ok. My heart broke for you and I wished that I could have taken away whatever it was the scared you. You eventually drifted back to sleep and I went back to my room and hoped the nightmares left you alone. Your dad was awake when I got back and I told him what happened, he asked if he need to go in to see you and I told him that I thought you were ok but loved him for offering.

Then, last night, as we were getting ready for bed your dad looked at me and said “if Grant has another bad dream, just wake me up and I will go get him. I want him to know that I am here for him too.” My heart melted. How did this amazing man come into my life to love our son so incredibly much? I was just in awe of him. It’s what every woman wants… the man she loves to love her child so unconditionally. It makes me love him so much more.

To add too that… today, your dad texted me and asked if I wanted to take you to the zoo this weekend. It may seem small and inconsequential but that small gesture made me so happy. Most men want to spend the weekend doing their own thing or just spend time on the couch watching football but not him. He wants to spend the day watching you see something new for the very first time. To take part in your joy and wonder. He makes an effort to come up with ideas which will make you smile and laugh. It’s simply a dream come true.

You have a wonderful role model, Grant. I can only imagine what a wonderful husband and father you will one day be if you use your dad as an example.

Never forget how much we love you.

-Mommy


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Last night I needed you

Grant,

Last night I needed you. I needed to feel close to you. To snuggle with you and love on you. Since you were about 6 months old I can count on one hand the number of times I have allowed myself to rock you into a deep sleep. I have always been a big advocate about you being able to fall asleep on your own but last night I held you and rocked you till you went limp. Then I rocked you some more. I savored last night and I can’t say that I won’t do it again soon, I enjoyed it so much.

You have been a challenge lately. A wonderful challenge. You have learned to hit, pinch and throw temper tantrums. You throw everything; food, your sippy cup, toys… you throw anything you can fit in your tiny hands. You are obsessed with light sockets. You are so opinionated for someone who can’t even speak. If your dad and I tell you no? Oh the world is coming to an end and the water works start. You have this amazingly large personality and you don’t know how to express yourself fully which I know frustrates you.

Our time together is mostly spent with your dad and I trying to make sure you are safe and teaching you how to play, eat and act appropriately. We do have fun playing and our walks are my favorite, especially now that the weather is cooler, but a lot of our time together I feel is teacher and student.

While I love how independent and fierce you are, I miss the cuddles. As I sat and rocked you last night I was able to take a deep breath. One I didn’t know I was holding. You are this amazing boy and I have been given the privilege of raising you. I worry constantly that I am not good enough. That I am not giving you the tools you need to become the wonderful man I know you have the potential to be.

Holding you last night allowed me to calm my nerves and relish in you. I realized that I am doing my best and that you will be fine. We both will. My love for you is never ending and because of that I will never stop striving to be the best mother possible for you.

Last night I needed you and you were right there; head on my shoulder, breathing deeply and loving me just as much as I love you.

Love,

Mommy