"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

Last night I needed you



Last night I needed you. I needed to feel close to you. To snuggle with you and love on you. Since you were about 6 months old I can count on one hand the number of times I have allowed myself to rock you into a deep sleep. I have always been a big advocate about you being able to fall asleep on your own but last night I held you and rocked you till you went limp. Then I rocked you some more. I savored last night and I can’t say that I won’t do it again soon, I enjoyed it so much.

You have been a challenge lately. A wonderful challenge. You have learned to hit, pinch and throw temper tantrums. You throw everything; food, your sippy cup, toys… you throw anything you can fit in your tiny hands. You are obsessed with light sockets. You are so opinionated for someone who can’t even speak. If your dad and I tell you no? Oh the world is coming to an end and the water works start. You have this amazingly large personality and you don’t know how to express yourself fully which I know frustrates you.

Our time together is mostly spent with your dad and I trying to make sure you are safe and teaching you how to play, eat and act appropriately. We do have fun playing and our walks are my favorite, especially now that the weather is cooler, but a lot of our time together I feel is teacher and student.

While I love how independent and fierce you are, I miss the cuddles. As I sat and rocked you last night I was able to take a deep breath. One I didn’t know I was holding. You are this amazing boy and I have been given the privilege of raising you. I worry constantly that I am not good enough. That I am not giving you the tools you need to become the wonderful man I know you have the potential to be.

Holding you last night allowed me to calm my nerves and relish in you. I realized that I am doing my best and that you will be fine. We both will. My love for you is never ending and because of that I will never stop striving to be the best mother possible for you.

Last night I needed you and you were right there; head on my shoulder, breathing deeply and loving me just as much as I love you.



4 thoughts on “Last night I needed you

  1. Just beautiful. I hope you save this to share with him someday.

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