"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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G is 18 months now (letter to soon follow) and we have been discussing on what we want to do for maybe-baby number 2.

It has been 18 months of unprotected sex (ok, lets say 16.5 because we didn’t have sex for the first 6 weeks after G was born). While I can’t imagine being pregnant and dealing with a young child, each month I can’t stop hoping that I will somehow magically get a BFP. Logically, I know it’s not going to happen but with other people that I know who went through infertility with their first now having no trouble with their second it’s hard. I knew I wouldn’t be like that so why does my mind always hope? It’s really frustrating and heartbreaking.

I still POAS every month “just to be sure” and while I try to fool myself into thinking it’s no big deal when I see the BFN, I break a little more inside.

I honestly thought after having G I wouldn’t care this much. I have my miracle baby. He is incredible and the light of my life. Why am I putting any energy into this stupid hope? I wish I could make myself stop but it’s just not going to happen.

So. We have put together a plan. I am going to focus on losing some weight, get my teeth fixed (I have horrible teeth and dont want to deal with that when we starting trying through my RE), and make an appointment for the end of the summer with the RE to see what tests we need to do in order to start back with IUI’s at the end of the year.

Hopefully have a plan like this will get me to let go of some of the hope that is dragging me down. I am procrastinating on my teeth because of my extreme dental anxiety and I have yet to call the RE but at least there is a plan. That’s what I am focusing on now.