"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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Has it been that long?

Today was my annual gyn appointment. The first step in TTC for baby number two. From the second I pulled into the parking lot anxiety started rushing back to me. Has it really only been 3 years since my HSG? I feel like it was a lifetime ago but then again, just like yesterday.

I was called back and the nurse started going through my chart asking me all sorts of questions and taking my vitals. She asked me if I was still taking a prenatal… nope, but I probably should be since we are going to be trying with the RE soon, should I? Am I still taking my fish oil? Nope… I forgot I was even taking that last time we were TTC. Is E still taking his array of vitamin supplements? No.

Has it been that long that I forgot about it all? Did I block it out? I felt like a naive child going in to ask about TTC for the first time. Not someone who tried for three long years to have a baby. Who tried absolutely everything in the book. How have I not already switched to a prenatal vitamin?! I am just in shock over this… The pain of infertility is felt so frequently even though I have my sweet G but these smaller details seem to have evaded me.

Regardless, the appointment went well. Even though I have lost over 30lbs she still says I need to lose weight (yes, yes I know) but my blood pressure was great which is a total non-scale victory in my eyes. I also got E’s semen analysis order and got that scheduled so we should have the results by our RE appointment.

I really need to get back into the swing of things. Pull out my old binders and start us both on our vitamin supplements again. At this point we will have about 20 days before our RE appointment but I have very little hope in the fact that we would start my first cycle after seeing him anyways without testing. A girl can hope though!!

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21 months

A few days late but 21 months none-the-less!


This is my last letter to you before you turn 2. How on earth is that possible? I feel like I say this every time, but the last three months you have seriously exploded in every aspect of your life. You are so much more independent (for example, you have decided that you can walk yourself into daycare and don’t need to be carried), you continue to be so expressive, and your vocabulary has gone into overdrive.

I can’t believe just a few months ago we were slightly worried about your lack of words. You have at least 30 words and phrases now and you have the cutest voice I have ever heard. The way you say “thank you” gets everyone swooning. “Puppy” is another one of my favorites. You LOVE pointing out birds on our morning walk but you call them “bee’s” right now which is adorable.

You have also become quite opinionated and must have a say in what we are doing. At night while we are getting ready for bed and reading our books you will stand in front of your ever growing selection and say “ummmmmmm” as you ponder which one you want read next. You must have a choice in what you’re eating (even if you keep your options very limited) and you absolutely MUST be able to use a fork.

We started putting you on the potty around 20 months just for fun and we created a monster. We thought that allowing you to watch your favorite youtube shows (muppets and elmo’s world) while you were on the potty would help encourage you to like it. Well, it worked a little too well since now you ask to go on the potty 8-10 times a day even if you don’t actually have to go. So that is still a work in progress.

We have been contemplating putting you into a big boy bed but I am just not ready for that. You are so good in your crib and haven’t even attempted to climb out. You are still waking up between 5:30 and 6 in the morning but you happily lay there and cuddle with your pillow and blankets until I come to get you at 7. I love that you love your bed.

You are still obsessed with cars but mostly just the real ones. You could spend a good hour playing in my car pushing all the buttons and making car noises and be happy as a clam. We have been talking about getting you a power wheels for your 2nd birthday and I can’t wait for you to have a car of your very own!!

You continue to amaze me with your mood swings and strong personality. We have had a few instance of biting over the last couple months at daycare and one day your behavior was so poor that your teacher actually wanted to talk to me about it away from all the other kids. We now have had a talk every morning about being nice to our friends, not biting, and listening to your teachers. You have really improved. I know it won’t be the last bump in your behavior but we made it through that first hurdle. You still love throwing temper tantrums at home which most of the time I find comical as you just look so cute stomping your feet and screaming.

There are days where I feel like I have failed at parenting because you did nothing but scream, hit, not listen and throw things at me. Those days are trying. They are HARD but they are part of being a parent and I can’t tell you how much I love being your mother. I never thought I could be so proud of someone else’s accomplishments, no matter how small, or how your smile and laugh could brighten any of my darkest days.

I know it’s going to feel like I blinked and you will be turning two. I wish nothing for the best in these next three months. You are the light of my life and the reason I keep breathing. I love you more than anything in this entire world.

Love, Mommy