"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD


Leave a comment

There aren’t even tears

*A quick update on my son after his surgery – the procedure itself went great and they got everything they needed. Coming out of anesthesia was by far the worst part. He was an inconsolable mess and it broke my heart. He’s already healing nicely and should be good as new in no time.*

Today is 13DPIUI and was test day. I cheated and tested the afternoon of day 11 and fooled myself into still being hopeful because I didn’t use FMU but none the less, today was negative as well. I didn’t cry but I do feel an overwhelming sense of shock and disappointment. How have this many cycles failed? We got pregnant on our third IUI last time, has our biology changed that much in three years? Maybe we aren’t meant to have two children…

I dread having to see a new doctor and go through the IVF process. Spending all that money and time, especially so close to after we move. I just don’t know if I want to do it. I don’t know if I can take any more heartache. I just feel a sense of dread every time we go into a new cycle and maybe that’s affecting the outcome, who knows. All I know now is that I’m hurt and I don’t want to have to tell E that it was negative when he wakes up. He was SO hopeful and this whole TWW kept saying “this one is it, I just know it.”He’s going to be crushed.


2 Comments

There aren’t even tears

*A quick update on my son after his surgery – the procedure itself went great and they got everything they needed. Coming out of anesthesia was by far the worst part. He was an inconsolable mess and it broke my heart. He’s already healing nicely and should be good as new in no time.*

Today is 13DPIUI and was test day. I cheated and tested the afternoon of day 11 and fooled myself into still being hopeful because I didn’t use FMU but none the less, today was negative as well. I didn’t cry but I do feel an overwhelming sense of shock and disappointment. How have this many cycles failed? We got pregnant on our third IUI last time, has our biology changed that much in three years? Maybe we aren’t meant to have two children…

I dread having to see a new doctor and go through the IVF process. Spending all that money and time, especially so close to after we move. I just don’t know if I want to do it. I don’t know if I can take any more heartache. I just feel a sense of dread every time we go into a new cycle and maybe that’s affecting the outcome, who knows. All I know now is that I’m hurt and I don’t want to have to tell E that it was negative when he wakes up. He was SO hopeful and this whole TWW kept saying “this one is it, I just know it.”He’s going to be crushed.


Leave a comment

There aren’t even tears

*A quick update on my son after his surgery – the procedure itself went great and they got everything they needed. Coming out of anesthesia was by far the worst part. He was an inconsolable mess and it broke my heart. He’s already healing nicely and should be good as new in no time.*

Today is 13DPIUI and was test day. I cheated and tested the afternoon of day 11 and fooled myself into still being hopeful because I didn’t use FMU but none the less, today was negative as well. I didn’t cry but I do feel an overwhelming sense of shock and disappointment. How have this many cycles failed? We got pregnant on our third IUI last time, has our biology changed that much in three years? Maybe we aren’t meant to have two children…

I dread having to see a new doctor and go through the IVF process. Spending all that money and time, especially so close to after we move. I just don’t know if I want to do it. I don’t know if I can take any more heartache. I just feel a sense of dread every time we go into a new cycle and maybe that’s affecting the outcome, who knows. All I know now is that I’m hurt and I don’t want to have to tell E that it was negative when he wakes up. He was SO hopeful and this whole TWW kept saying “this one is it, I just know it.”He’s going to be crushed.


2 Comments

Whispered “I love you’s”

My dear sweet boy,

Tomorrow you go in for surgery on your eyes and of course I am just a big ball of worry. On Halloween you developed a sty on your left upper lid. It progressively got bigger and ended up draining only to come back and along with that one another huge one developed on your lower lid. Over the last month we have tried drops, ointment, and oral antibiotic to no avail. They are still terrible and need to be surgically drained. In addition to that you have what appears to be a piece of scar tissue (that looks like a giant skin tag) under your right eyelid that they we will be taking care of.

I found a pediatric ophthalmologist that I do really like but it doesn’t take the fear away of knowing that you will be put under anesthesia. It has been a month of you being uncomfortable with these huge chalazions covering your right eye and I am just ready for you to be on the road to recovery.

I have known about the surgery for a week and find myself noticing little things about you that I have been taking for granted. How much you speak now-a-days, how much of an attitude you (still) have, how your fine motor skills have improved and how you make the funniest little face when you say the word “ice.” However, my most favorite part of our day is still bedtime. We read books and rock and after a few minutes I ask if you’re ready to get into bed. You typically say yes and then I whisper “I love you my sweet boy” and you whisper back “love you,” although it sounds more like “lah you” but I know what you are saying. It melts my heart every single time.

So tomorrow, right before you’re taken away from me in order to make you all better I will whisper “I love you” and hope that you know deep down in your bones just how much I mean it.

Mommy


2 Comments

The end of this chapter

IUI #4 was today. Our 4th and final. It feels weird knowing that I won’t ever have one of these again. It was overall a good report. E had 6.8 million sperm at 94% motility. It’s his best motility report and his third highest count so that’s good. Still no where near the cycle we got pregnant with G on (21 million @ 97% motility) but it’s our last shot so fingers crossed! I know I had at least one good follicle with possibly 2 others if they grew enough before the trigger. So there is hope!

T minus 13 days till I get to test.


Leave a comment

IUI #4 is a go… and so different

Well, today is CD10 and things look good. As of today:

Lining – 8.5mm

RT ovary: 19mm, 16mm, 12mm

LT ovary: 16mm, 12mm

E2: 80

Ovidrel scheduled for tomorrow night with the IUI slated for 10am on Thursday.

I write everything down and was flipping through my last three cycles and was feeling disappointed as my lining has been between 12 and 14 each cycle and my E2 has been over 150 even though follicle size has been the about the same each cycle. I was bummed thinking that all that based on knowing E’s numbers aren’t going to be spectacular was just going to throw out this cycle but then I looked back at the cycle that I got pregnant with G and my E2 was 56! I don’t know what my lining was since I didn’t write it down but this cycle is the first time I have had a dominant follicle on my right side and that’s the side that was dominant last time I got pregnant. So while I can’t say ‘hope is alive and thriving’ I dont have the same gloom going into this cycle as I did when I got off the phone with the RE.

Fingers crossed that E’s numbers are as good as possible and that this works. Oh how I want this one to work!!!!


4 Comments

Our last IUI

So after my self-pity party on Thursday when our third IUI failed we didn’t know what to do. With everything going on should we wait until after we move or try one more time.

I called our financial adviser at our RE’s office and had a nice chat with her. We are lucky in the sense that we do have IF coverage. There are a lot of stipulations we need to meet but we do have it. We have hit our deductible so insurance should start paying for 80% of the last cycle and the upcoming cycle. Also, we can’t move to IVF until we have had 4 failed IUI’s. So that really made the decision for us. Why wait until after the new year to do another IUI (since we have to before moving to IVF) and pay full price when we could do it now for only 20%.

Needless to say, bright and early this morning I was at the hospital getting my E2 drawn. Dr. M is going to review to see if we could change any of my meds around for a possible better shot but since I respond so well to the femara I doubt he will change it. As of right now it looks like meds today-friday and IUI sometime mid-end next week.


6 Comments

IUI # 3 is a bust

This one fucking hurts. I have had some strange feelings the last few days and really got my hopes up. E was convinced this was our cycle and kept telling me he had a good feeling.

I woke up this morning anxious to test at 4:30am but before I could even dip the stick into my tiny cup of pee I knew we were out. I was spotting. I tested anyways since it was just an internet cheapie and of course it was negative.

I am heartbroken. We got pregnant on our third IUI with G and I thought for sure it wouldn’t take LONGER the second time around. I don’t even know what to do now. We are swimming in debt and our insurance pays a small portion of the procedures but only for 3 IUI’s. We have to have 6 failed IUI’s before we can move to IVF through insurance so what the fuck do we do now? Take a few months off and wait till our house sells so we wont be paying 2 mortgages AND infertility bills? Jump right into another cycle? I am seriously at a loss and just want to curl up in a ball and cry.