"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

There aren’t even tears

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*A quick update on my son after his surgery – the procedure itself went great and they got everything they needed. Coming out of anesthesia was by far the worst part. He was an inconsolable mess and it broke my heart. He’s already healing nicely and should be good as new in no time.*

Today is 13DPIUI and was test day. I cheated and tested the afternoon of day 11 and fooled myself into still being hopeful because I didn’t use FMU but none the less, today was negative as well. I didn’t cry but I do feel an overwhelming sense of shock and disappointment. How have this many cycles failed? We got pregnant on our third IUI last time, has our biology changed that much in three years? Maybe we aren’t meant to have two children…

I dread having to see a new doctor and go through the IVF process. Spending all that money and time, especially so close to after we move. I just don’t know if I want to do it. I don’t know if I can take any more heartache. I just feel a sense of dread every time we go into a new cycle and maybe that’s affecting the outcome, who knows. All I know now is that I’m hurt and I don’t want to have to tell E that it was negative when he wakes up. He was SO hopeful and this whole TWW kept saying “this one is it, I just know it.”He’s going to be crushed.

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