"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect.”

Motherhood after Infertility and Parenting a child with ASD

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Getting impatient

We still have over a month until our consult with the new RE. It feels like this is taking forever and I am having a really hard time with it. One of my best friends is pregnant and she is essentially icing me out of any and all updates. Whether she is doing this to “protect” me or not I feel offended. I am so jealous that she’s pregnant but would rather be submerged in her information than feel like I am pulling teeth asking how she and baby are doing.

Pregnancy is all around me and I can’t seem to escape it. I spent last night reading all of the journal entries when I was pregnant with G and just cried longing to be going through it again. I am so happy I wrote everything down because what if we don’t get the opportunity to go through it again? But at the same time… did I savor everything enough? I feel like I am losing the memory of how it felt to be kicked from the inside, which was the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I so want to be able to feel that again.

Deep down in my bones I know we are supposed to have two children. How much are we going to have to go through in order for that to happen though? I want all the answers and I want them now (do I sound like my toddler??) but February 27th seems like an eternity and that’s just going to touch the tip of the question iceberg.

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So much change


Today marked two big milestones; you slept in a toddler bed last night and you happily went to school this morning.

A lot has happened in your life over the past three weeks and I can’t imagine how your little brain has processed all of it. You watched (and helped) us pack up the only home you’ve ever known and then unpack at a strange new place. You had a week to adjust to the house since you didn’t start your new school right away and I think that helped a little. You were able to get use to your surroundings and became instantly comfortable with the Saunier crew.

Then, on January 2nd you started your new school. This was something that caused me great anxiety simply because you loved Melissa and Jordan so much at your old school. The first day was a little crazier than expected as Primrose had originally told me you were going to be in one room but then thought you were supposed to be in another room. The kids there were coming back from break and it was SO loud. It was chaotic and you sat on my hip taking it all in but I don’t think you knew that I was about to leave you there. After we got everything squared away the teacher took you from me and you lost it. You did that heartbreaking cry where you take a deep breath and silently cry as you work up a massive scream. I could do nothing but bolt and pray that you would soon realize the other kids were there to play. You ended up not eating or napping that first day at school but you didn’t spend the whole day crying so I took it as a success.

Day two – four were not much better, especially because you knew what was happening at that point. On day two we had such a sad conversation in the car on the way to school:

G: Mommy, where we goin?
Me: Remember? We are going to your new school!
G: Noooo!!!!
Me: You get to play with all your new friends and get to play on the awesome playgrounds!!
G: NO!! Turn ’round!!! Turn ’round!!!
Me: Buddy I promise you’re going to have so much fun and I will be there to get you after your afternoon snack. It’s going to be great!
G: Turn ’round, turn ’round, peeeeeeease turn ’round!!

Each day got a little better but the crying and screaming was hard, for both of us. After the weekend I was scared that we would have lost all progress and it was going to be terrible but when I asked you if you were ready for school you said yes! Huge improvement! You whined a little when we pulled in but didn’t cry till I opened your classroom door. On Tuesday you didn’t cry until I went to walk out the door and today? We walked into your classroom, your wonderful teacher Mrs. Mariana gave you a hug and asked you if you wanted to go play. You said yes and off you went. I couldn’t have been prouder. I am so happy that you are coming around to this wonderful new school where I know you’re going to really flourish!

As for your sleeping arrangements… I was wholeheartedly going to keep you in your crib forever. You would always be my baby as long as you were in your crib, right? Well yesterday morning I walked into your room and turned on your lamp so I could pick out your clothes for the day. As I was turning around you were leaning way too far over the edge of your crib and in a split second you fell out. Talk about terrifying. Luckily you were fine and just have carpet burns on your nose and forehead… however that was the queue to make the change to a toddler bed.

Your dad put together your new bed as soon as he got home from work and I wasn’t exactly sure how you were going to do. Your new bedroom is pitch black so I was hoping you wouldn’t necessarily be tempted to climb out. You went to bed perfectly and you woke up at your typical 5:30am. This was the test to see if you would stay the full hour and a half in your bed even though you COULD get out. You didn’t, you laid there like a perfect angel until I walked in at 7am. I am not naive enough to think that this will always be the case but I am so happy with the first night.

You are becoming such a big boy!

I love you so much,